Tips For Fostering A Connection With Your Son
Nurturing a Boy’s Heart
I am the mother of an 11-month-old boy named Canyon. Being Canyon’s mom is my favorite adventure. Long before I was a boy mom, I was and still am a marriage and family therapist that specializes in working with families with children. My experience as a marriage and family therapist prepared me to be a better mom to my son.
The Differences
From conception, differences between male and female babies arise. In 2014, the NHS explored the differences between males and females in prenatal brain development and states,
“The highest area of growth was the cerebellum at the back of the brain, which controls movement, co-ordination and balance. This had grown by 113% in males and 105% in females.”
The findings suggest males are more likely to succeed with physical movement. Stephen James and David Thomas the authors of Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys also support this claim and state a boy’s brain is wired for activity while a girl’s brain is wired for connection.
Physical movement is one area researchers have noted differences between males and females. Many other differences exist. To learn more, read Brain Science and the Difference Between Boys and Girls by Michael Gurian.
Awareness of the differences provides the first step in knowing how to best support your son. As you begin to uncover what makes your son unique, aim to celebrate the differences. Also, note his strengths and create moments for your son to thrive.
Sometimes boys need extra support. In my research and through my work as a marriage and family therapist, I have found commonality in the areas boys tend to need extra support. The rest of this article explores these areas.
Emotions
As a therapist, most boys find their way into my office under the disguise of anger issues. Often, anger issues accurately describe the behavior the family is seeing. However, anger issues are a secondary emotion and disregard the deeper processing contributing to the behavior.
From a very young age, many boys are socialized to suppress emotion. This happens for multiple reasons and often is not purposeful. One factor leading to emotional suppression is language. Simple phrases have lasting impressions. Peggy O’Mara, the editor and publisher of peggyomara.com, states,
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice”.
Parents play a vital role in a child’s emotional expression. For example, when my son’s big emotions surprise me, I sometimes find myself discouraging his emotional expression. In those moments, my goal is to make my son feel better instead of teaching him how to lean into the discomfort of the moment. Some phrases that discourage emotional expression include:
It is natural for parents to want their boys to feel better when they are upset, but boys need to learn to regulate emotions. We can help our boys learn emotional regulation by focusing on some of the following phrases:
The previous phrases validate emotions and encourage healthy emotional expression. If you would like to learn more about validating your boy’s feelings read No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel Siegel.
In my experience, anger lessens once boys begin to focus on the primary feeling in their hearts.
Boundaries
Boundaries are important for kids of all ages. They create security and trust within a relationship. Boys need their parents to set boundaries to know what is and is not okay. Beyond knowing what is and is not okay, boundaries have the power to teach boys what they need in different situations. Stephanie Dowd, a clinical psychologist, states,
“Boundaries are essentially about understanding and respecting our own needs, and being respectful and understanding of the needs of others”.
Empathy arises when kids understand their needs and the needs of others. This can lead to tolerance and acceptance which aids in building strong relationships. Boundaries look different at various ages, however, boys of every age respond best when boundaries are clear, consistent, and firm.
Keep in mind, boys will break boundaries. Expect them to push against them and break them. When a boundary is broken, natural and logical consequences provide a framework to process the broken boundary. If you would like to learn more about natural and logical consequences read A Parent’s Guide to Natural and Logical Consequences by Susquehanna Psychological Services.
For example, right now I am teaching my son to use gentle hands while petting our cat. When he shows me he is unable to use gentle hands, I physically remove him from the situation and say something like “When we are ready to use gentle hands, we can pet the cat.” For his age (11-months), this boundary is clear, consistent, and firm. It also utilizes a logical consequence (not being able to pet the cat).
Learning
According to Stephen James and David Thomas, boys are often visual-spatial, experiential, and kinesthetic learners. Linda Silverman, Ph.D., and Jeffrey Freed explore visual-spatial learners and state,
“A visual-spatial learner is a student who learns holistically rather than in a step-by-step fashion. Visual imagery plays an important role in the student’s learning process. Because the individual is processing primarily in pictures rather than words, ideas are interconnected”.
Experiential learners learn through doing and reflecting on the process. For example, Jimmy has a fascination with penguins. His parents recognize that he is an experiential learner and for his birthday gift him the experience of taking care of penguins for the day at a local zoo. During his day as a zookeeper, Jimmy learned all about penguins and, after, processed his experience with everyone.
Kinesthetic learners learn through their bodies and touch. Benjamin Franklin has a great quote that captures the essence of kinesthetic learning and it states,
“Tell me and I forget, teach me and I may remember, involve me and I learn”.
Traditional American schools often promote linear sequential thinking. This means visual-spatial, experiential, and kinesthetic learners are at a disadvantage and to succeed in this setting, many boys learn to adjust their natural learning style.
An alternative to a traditional American school is a Montessori program that takes a holistic, child-led approach to learning. If you would like to learn more about Montessori education read Why Choose Montessori Education by the American Montessori Society.
Movement
Many boys love the freedom to move. Stephen James and David Thomas believe confinement stifles a boy’s natural path towards healthy development. Numerous research studies document a multitude of benefits associated with movement in childhood. Some of the benefits include (1) Stronger hearts, muscles, and bones; (2) Improved social skills; (3) Increased self-esteem and self-confidence; (4) Higher emotional intelligence skills; and (5) Stronger communication skills.
There are many ways for boys to move their bodies. During the early years, parents often need to create a structure for appropriate physical activity. For example, my son loves to move. He started walking a few days before turning 9-months. Currently, he loves to walk backward, sideways, and run. He has even hiked on multiple trails. Some spaces in my home are not safe for him to run around and explore. Knowing this, my husband and I created a playroom with no breakable or dangerous items. This space is his and he can run and explore however he wants. When he is in a high energy moment, I provide structure by taking him to his playroom to help him positively release his energy.
Boys thrive when they release energy in the ways they want to. If you are a parent of a younger child and need some ideas on how to create a structure for physical activity, check out this article entitled 49 fun physical activities to do with kids aged 2 to 4.
Physical Changes
Boy’s bodies are continuously changing but most physical changes occur during puberty. According to Logen Breehl and Omar Caban, the authors of Physiology, Puberty:
“His body beefs up, his voice cracks as it changes, he becomes stronger, and he begins to mature sexually”.
Also during this time, boys may begin to notice facial hair, acne, mood swings, and breast growth.
The changes associated with puberty are personal and talking with your son about them before they happen creates a sense of normalcy and helps manage expectations.
Puberty for boys happens as early as 9-years-old so starting a conversation well before this age is important. During your conversations, encourage questions. If he asks questions, answer them honestly. Also, explain how the bodies of girls and boys change during this time.
If you need guidance in navigating conversations about physical changes read, Talking to Your Child About Puberty by Steven Dowshen, MD.
Connection
Relational connection is the thread that weaves all the previous topics together and is a vital ingredient in raising boys. Brene Brown, researcher, states,
“Connection is the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued-when they can give and receive without judgment”.
Creating a strong connection with your son provides the unconditional support he needs throughout childhood and beyond. Alise Jaffe Holleron, the author of Connection: 4 Reasons It’s Important, 4 Reasons It’s Difficult, 4 Ways to Cultivate It states,
“Connection makes children feel important. When you tune into your children, it gives them the message that they matter, that they are important, that they are loved, that they are worth your time…and therefore connection increases children’s self-esteem”.
Meaningful connection begins with emotional, mental, and physical presence. Mindfulness is an important component of being present. Foster intentionally around your relationship with your son and enjoy the moments before the year's pass.
As every second passes, your son is growing closer to independence. As this happens your relationship with him will change. Nurturing him and his development now will help create a loving bond that will endure long past his childhood years.
