Understanding Misbehavior During a Pandemic
A teacher’s trauma-sensitive classroom approach
A few years ago, I was introduced to a new concept which helped me become a better teacher. As a first-year teacher, I was thrown into a challenging classroom with a few particularly defiant students. After asking for advice from fellow teachers, principals, and support staff, a psychologist with a background in “trauma-sensitivity” met with me. She told me that she believed that my students’ defiance stems from trauma.
When thinking of the word “trauma” many things come to my mind, such as coming from a war-torn country, being bullied or witnessing something traumatic at home. Each individual will have a unique perspective of a traumatic experience.
Students who have been exposed to trauma demonstrate behavior that is similar to those of students who are “misbehaving”. This includes having trouble building connections, emotional disconnection, and behavior. These students don’t see a point of learning, have difficulty regulating their emotions, and have trouble grasping new information as they are stuck reliving the past.
When analyzing the different types of “stress” it is important to note that there is positive stress, tolerable stress, and toxic stress. Positive stress can be caused by an upcoming surprise party you are planning, or from starting a new job which causes your body to have an increase in heart rate. Tolerable stress is caused by an external temporary stressor, such as experiencing a death in the family, causing a spike in the body’s stress hormone. Finally, toxic stress is constant for people with trauma, causing hypervigilance, making them hard to be available for learning, responding as if the world is a source of constant danger.
The brain’s response to stress may lead to an “amygdala hijack”. The amygdala is an almond-shaped part of the brain which plays a key role in managing emotions. Stress attacks the amygdala, causing a “fight or flight” stress response. When this occurs, individuals may become anxious and struggle with decision making and controlling their emotional responses.
The Coronavirus can become an added stressor to your child, which may explain why your child is misbehaving at home. I use these strategies in my classroom to make children feel more connected and calm. You can use these tips at home or whenever you notice that your kid is on-edge. While not every individual has experienced a traumatic event, each child and parent can grow from these techniques.
1. Build Resilience
Resilience is not something that you are born with, it is something that you build. While some people are more resilient than others, learning to be resilient can be accomplished. Resilience and mental wellness go hand-in-hand. By developing confidence, learning how to problem-solve, and working towards achieving a goal are strategies that build resilience. For third years, a study wanted to measure the outcomes of hundreds of children who came from traumatic backgrounds (Werner, 1989). One-third of the group thrived in their 30s and did not experience any mental health struggles or defiance. They attributed their success to resilience and understood that they were in charge of their own destinies. While not everyone has a supportive community at home that can promote resilience, role models such as teachers, camp counselors, and friends can do so. Promoting movement and activities that your child finds enjoyable builds happiness, trust, and resilience. While stuck at home, going for a walk, or playing a family game will allow your child to feel more relaxed and connected.
2. Naming feelings
Teaching kids to name their emotions allows them to express how they are specifically feeling. For example, understanding the difference between being angry versus feeling disappointed. Correctly naming emotions allows kids to feel heard, and allows for other individuals to better understand and help. Modeling naming emotions, as well as helping provide options of words will help kids understand and select the emotion that they are feeling. If your kids are showing signs of frustration while in quarantine, help them name their feelings. Are they feeling anxious, upset, or bored? This will allow them to better monitor their feelings and name their emotions.
3. Get on their level
You should never say things like “I totally understand how you feel” because frankly, you don’t. Instead, you want to speak to calm the other person down, to try to reduce stress levels. Simply saying someone’s name, releases endorphins, and makes them feel calmer (Carmody & Lewis, 2006). When you say someone’s name, they feel noticed, heard, and more present. The brain’s reaction to another behavior is identified as “mirror neurons”, which are neurons which imitate someone else’s behavior (Doidge, 2008). This means that if I am yelling at someone to manage conflict, it will encourage the person I am talking to, to yell as well. Although, if I am using a softer tone voice when speaking to someone, it will eventually encourage them to also speak in a soft tone voice. Therefore, speaking calmy is ideal. As well, you also want to model calm belly (diaphragmatic) breathing, as opposed to breathing from the chest which often occurs when we are stressed.
4. Model Healthy Coping Strategies
Building on the idea of mirror neurons and helping children name their emotions, modeling healthy coping strategies is important too. This means that you demonstrate the behavior that you want the child to do as well. This could be apologizing after an argument or taking the time to reflect after you make a mistake. Mindfulness is a great coping strategy to help all individuals decompress. A study analyzed the impact that meditation and mindfulness had on children over detention.
5. Be flexible
Give a child choice to allow them to not feel constrained by only one decision, and rather allow them to decide what feels right based on how they are feeling. While there are important moments where parents need to step in and make the decision, flexibility can minimize pressure and reduce stress. For example, instead of saying “you need to do your online math homework right now”, allow for choice. “You need to do math, English, and dance. You need to accomplish them today, but pick the order that you will use”.
6. Use Attachment Language
“Attachment” is the emotional bond created between a child and their parents or between partners in a relationship, to develop a sense of security (Bowlby, 1969). Language shapes attachment by ensuring that individuals feel like they are part of a greater collective group, feeling supported, encouraged, and needed. A key aspect of attachment language is changing “I” language to “we” language. For example, instead of “you will get through this”, say “we are a team, we will overcome this together”. Using “we” language allows children to feel like they are a part of a group and make them feel more connected. Healthy attachment is creating a supportive relationship. The language used in a supportive relationship is one that encourages the other individual, actively listens, and provides a sincere response. Active listening can be accomplished by listening rather than waiting for one’s turn to speak, and responding through paraphrasing one’s words when responding to a conversation.
7. Avoid Anger
As previously mentioned, to activate mirror neurons, we want to avoid anger and model being calm. This means speaking in a low voice, taking diaphragmatic breaths, and watching your tone. Never force eye contact or talk too much. The best processing occurs in silence. While we cannot control what’s going on in our day-to-day, we can control our reaction to different situations. Be a good model.
We are going through a stressful time right now. While it might be annoying to put up with your kid’s backtalk, anger, and lack of motivation for school work — just realize that this is a stressful time for them as well. As a teacher who has worked with students who have gone through severe trauma, and even while working with students who have experienced no trauma, I know that these techniques work wonders. Take a breath, lower your voice, and model good coping strategies. We will all get through this together.
Sources:
Bowlby J (1969). Attachment. Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Loss. New York: Basic Books.
Carmody, D. P., & Lewis, M. (2006). Brain activation when hearing one’s own and others’ names. Brain research, 1116(1), 153–158.
Doidge, N. (2008). The Brain That Changes Itself Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science. Penguin Books.
Werner, E. E. (1989). High‐risk children in young adulthood: A longitudinal study from birth to 32 years. American journal of Orthopsychiatry, 59(1), 72–81.
