What does freedom look like?

What does freedom look like?

‘What does freedom look like to you?’ I ask the frightened little girl in my mind, a mind full of pain and anxiety. She answers simply ‘I don’t know’. It’s true, I don’t. Freedom from my uncontrollable thoughts and fears and pain… What would it really look like?

I’m not looking for euphoria — not necessary. All I want, all I need is peace. PEACE — what does that feel like? Will I ever find it? Where can I go to find my peace when my ever long anxiety doesn’t allow me to travel? Then again, do you really have to travel to find peace? Is peace not a feeling? It should come from within you.. but how?

I am at a stage where I would give everything I own to find (lasting) inner peace. Meditation? Don’t you think I’ve tried (and continue to do so)? Mindfulness? It’s not working. My mind is too broken. It just isn’t strong enough. Or maybe, it’s too powerful for me to control.

Control… my biggest problem. Anything I can’t control causes me anxiety and panic and pain. Surely then by now, someone who likes to control things, would have found a way to control her own mind. It seems not. 39 years old, soon turning 40 and I am in one of the worst states I have ever been in — anxiety disorder, depression, dependent on pills. The shame, the disappointment, the hopelessness, the pain — too much to list.

I am in the ‘mentally ill’ category. Great, that makes me so much less anxious, so much less depressed! An illness that never seems to leave me alone for too long. Just long enough at times to think I’m moving on from it until ‘bam!’ here we go again!

Peace and freedom… please God, Angels, my little girl in heaven, the universe.. please help me find my peace and freedom. I promise I will be eternally grateful.

SM, 26.11.17