What happened when I asked my abuser for an apology
For years, I suppressed the hurt my dad inflicted on me. I followed his lead in always pretending that it never happened. I told myself it wasn’t a big deal, that I was overreacting, that I’m too sensitive. But the pain was always there, and it took its toll on my mental health. Rather than having the loving, protecting parent every child deserves, I had a father who made me fear for my own life.
Despite it being more than a decade since he has hurt me, something inside me had changed. I knew I had to address it. I had to tell him how I felt in order to start to heal. I had to ask him to say sorry.
I was scared. My dad has never, ever acknowledged that he has hurt me. He has never said sorry to me for anything. A life of gaslighting made me sure he would not even acknowledge the abuse, let alone apologise.
I prepared for weeks with my psychologist. I rehearsed it again and again. Finally, I called him.
He was quiet while I talked. He let me finish before speaking. It felt remarkable to state as fact the very things he has always denied.
Then:
“Well, yes. I know that I was far from perfect, especially when I got angry. It was my big failing, my big weakness. And I’m very sorry. I want to acknowledge it and offer my sorrow.”
He paused. I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t. I could feel the tears welling up.
“It’s a big lesson here for me. My behaviour was unacceptable. If I had known how it would affect you, darling… I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks, dad.” My voice broke and the tears came.
The weight that had been pressing down on me for years was lifting. I felt lighter, freer. Like I could finally breathe again. I was crying, but they were tears of relief. It was what I needed to hear.
He asked me what more he could do to make things right, and he assured me that I could bring it up at any time and talk about it more.
“I love you, dad.”
“I love you, darling, very much.”
If you are considering confronting your abuser, there are some important points to keep in mind. First, it is essential that you ensure your safety. If the encounter could turn violent, it may be best to communicate over the phone or online. Secondly, you should be prepared for the possibility that your abuser will not apologise or respond the way you hope. Go into the conversation with realistic expectations and focus on what you want to say. Finally, consider speaking with a therapist before and after the conversation. This can help you prepare, as well as process any intense emotions that come up.
