What I Brought With Me, and What I Took Along.
A reflection on my psychologist sessions of the last year.
‘What did you bring with you when you came, and what are you taking with you?’ is the last question my psychologist would ask me in our last session today. I’ve been visiting her for a year now, and even though I’ve been looking forward to ending the sessions, today I realize the good that it has brought with it, as I had the room to really talk about the development of my last year, and to reflect intentionally. And I love to reflect!
I came to my psychologist with a complaint of depression and anxiety attacks. The anxiety attacks were so bad that I could not go to the supermarket without bursting into tears on my way back. I could not be in the train without feeling panic and suffocation, sometimes exiting in between, to catch a fresh breath. Being between a group of people I didn’t know too well resulted in my absolute silence, as the uttering of any word would have brought a series of tears with it. I often had to escape to the bathroom to release them and return with a smile. These experiences are not shared as a reason for self-pity, but rather to give an estimation of how I felt back then. Still, it wasn’t as bad as not being able to get anything done at all. I was depressed, but I still managed to meet people I feel comfortable around and lift myself up to go to work on several days, although excusing myself was something I also resulted to a lot. I could still hold my life together, but with little to no energy.
It was wonderful to realize, in the midst of my talking to her, that there really had been a lot of development over that one year. The amount of things I overcame truly surprised me in a positive way, as soon as I had the space to reflect on them again.
I’ll mention one of my main past issues here. I always had this immense shyness, mixed with immense fear, of approaching a social situation I could not estimate the outcome of. This included the simplest situations, like going to the post office and asking if I can send a package there (when was unsure if I had the right label on my package, for instance), or being afraid of walking into a random shop I am curious about, due to my fear that someone will approach me to be of help. It also included bigger situations, like my fear of going to a birthday party I know no one in but the host, meaning I’d have to mingle with complete strangers. The realization, over and over, that people who come to Berlin cherish this factor, did not help in my endless sadness of not being able to have that ease and do the same thing. I often canceled, not going at all, or ended up going with extremely fast heartbeats from the tension and fear of being there. Of course, most of the time, it was way worse in my head than it turned out to be in reality. And that was something I had always been trying to tell myself. Even though I often failed in convincing myself, I think it’s always worth remembering. It’s always worse in your head. At least 99.9% of the time.
Today, as I tell her this, I realize that my fears are not gone, but are not my factor in taking actions anymore. I go down to buy ice cream from the nearest ice cream store because I feel like it. I am shy about approaching the guy or girl who sell the ice cream, but I go for it. Because I fucking want ice cream, and this is what matters.
I go to the supermarket with the awareness that it’s completely normal that I am not the most excited person on earth about going to the supermarket. I go with the awareness that everyone is more or less uncomfortable about being in this situation, but everyone has their own way of sucking it down. I stand in queue, awaiting my turn, not as anxiously about interacting with the cashier woman/man, but just in harmony with the moment, amusingly watching the people around me.
My biggest achievement, however, and the one I am most proud of: I signed up for a gym. So what, I hear you ask? Let me tell you.
I have a gym next to my house (emphasis: next to my house), which is super cheap, and right above a supermarket I frequently visit. I’ve been wanting to sign up for a gym since months. I passed that gym dozens of times, constantly looking up, wondering if I should go and ask about the subscription procedure. Yet, I always let my shyness take over me and walked away. And then the summer came. And I remembered that now is my last chance, as my last excuse had been: I’ll sign up in the summer. And now it was here. I had to go for it. But I didn’t feel like it. But I had to. It’s what I want.
And so, one day, after shopping at the supermarket, and walking out happily (for some reason I was extra happy that day), I looked up again. I saw the logo. I saw the open doors. I saw the stairs, right in front of me, leading up there. Go for it. But I’m shy. Mariam, go for it, my dear. It’s fine to be shy. Everyone is shy in such a situation. It does not have to be your reality. It does not have to be what plays a role in this moment. You are curious. Go find out.
And I did. I walked up the stairs. I walked in, already revising the text I’d say, but there was no need. Approached by a super-friendly ‘Hi!’ from one of the trainers, I approached the desk and told her I am wondering about signing up and would like to know the prices. She explained to me, I told her I’d think about it, she told me they can give me a free trial day, and I went for it.
Today I’m happily signed up. I’ve been going to the gym for a little more than a month now. And every time I go there, I feel the happiness of having let my curiosity speak louder than my fear. Every time I am so proud of myself. The gym feels like an achievement for me. Not just for the health factor of it. But for my psychological strength of having pushed it through.
My psychologist smiles at me, as I tell her this. She nods approvingly and tells me that I pinned it down correctly. It’s something I wanted. It’s nothing I had to do. It’s nothing life was bureaucratically pushing on me. This was my own decision, my own will, and I went for it. The happiness of the moment still lingers.
We agreed that I need more of that in order to have my stability and my place in Berlin. It makes perfect sense, of course. In order to feel like I have my stability here, I need to pave my way, not only in bureaucratic matters, social connections and work, but also in these little things that fill your inner happiness, these little things that let your spirit open its wings freely.
I know I am not a 100% there yet, but I can hold on to the little achievements I made, and keep going. And not let the ‘but what if?’ have the louder voice.
Finally, I allowed myself to give her some criticism from my side. I told her that I sometimes wished for more guidance in my talking, as I felt like I went over certain topics over and over again for too long. She clarified that her procedure is that of Psycho-Analysis and that the intention is to let the patient form their own session with the thoughts and topics that burden them. I realized two things as she was saying this.
First of all, I realized that this allows for certain topics to have the space to envelop, and to be handled, instead of eating them up and being interrupted in a way that says ‘it’s not worth talking about this’, or in a way that says ‘it’s not constructive for your situation’. If you’re very self-aware you will know when a certain topic has tipped over to useless complaining. And here is where I come to my second point: if you keep talking about one point over and over again, realizing by yourself that you are getting bored of it, and that you are not getting anywhere by circling around that point, you will let it go yourself. You will not wait for the psychologist to tell you that it’s enough, or that it’s nonsensical. If she does that, you might feel quite upset about being misunderstood and become more stubborn about sticking to that point. But if you just circle over it constantly, you get exhausted, and you realize yourself: I am done with this.
There was another point she mentioned that made me quite happy to hear, and it will be the last thing I say. She told me, to look at the positive side of things, that anxiety attacks are a symptom that your body is giving you about something being unfitting in your setting. You are getting a sign that something is off. And you are getting the chance to figure it out and work on it. And grow. In such a situation, your sensitivity is something that is helping you to outgrow a certain issue you are facing in this life setting. If you grab it with curiosity, as well as excitement about finding out more about yourself, you are already taking the first step to healing. And to growing.
And with these thoughts, I happily end my sessions. With these thoughts, I happily open an exciting chapter of further growth, more knowledge, and excitement about exploring the areas in life that I was too afraid to explore.
Cheers to life, and the constant lessons and challenges it brings along the way. Here is to growth, healing and the love of exploring life.
