What now?

So what do you do when you are born in the wrong country (Colombia), with the wrong skin color (not white), the wrong genre (female), with the wrong family situation (single mother) with the wrong financials (poor)?

Being the ugly duckling in the family, with a horrible step father, and to make things a little bit more challenging with depression. A depression that is a black hole that sucks you in and it becomes hard to breath, and you cry yourself to sleep wishing to be dead.

You think, nobody will ever love me, why would they?

You know what you do? You fight, you educate yourself and become the best version of you that you can. And become determined to exceed your own expectations. And travel to the other side of the world (Australia), looking for that, looking for a bit of yourself that will help you love yourself. Looking for an opportunity of not being predefined by all those ‘wrongs’ and allows you to create your own ‘right’.

And here I am, I studied, hard and with discipline, because education is the best way to give the finger to those pre-determined situations, is the finger to destiny, is my way to say f u, f live!!!.

Ok, not everything is education, a big part is trying to be the best version of yourself, a good human being, that no matter what you do, you give it your best. Maybe a career is not for you, that’s ok, just try to love what you do, what you are and be the best you can be. It is not a goal, is a path, it never ends.

It is not easy, not only because I chose a male-dominated career, or because being the ugly duckling felt very lonely, or because my depression isolates, and makes it hard to get up and to breath and to think. Not only because I was always the sick child, the easy target, the nerd, the lonely one. But because it is hard to break the barriers we put to ourselves.

And now, I see girls with all the ‘rights’, wasting them, wasting their opportunities, those opportunities many of us work so hard to get. Yes, life usually throws a curve ball to all of us, some more than others. And yes, we cry (I do lots) but then we must get up and continue.

So I am still trying to do my best, be the best mum I can, even tough with my constant battle with depression I do think my kids would be better off without me, because I love them with every cell of my body and I wish they could have someone better. But someone told me they don’t want someone better, they want their mum, and that is me. So I keep trying. Battle everyday to not let depression and my wish to die win the battle, because they need me. And then what? Once they stop needing me? Is that it for me? Will I lose this battle? Not sure. But I know as long as I can breathe I will love them and give them my best (even when it feels it not good enough).

And I always believed nobody would love me, but there are two little angels that do, and one lovely husband that does. So once again, surpassed my own expectations.

I am not perfect, far from that. Actually most of the time I feel everybody is better than me. I am not pretty, haven’t lost the baby/overeating weight, I am old, and tired, very very tired, tired of my battles, tired, just tired. But I guess, that is ok. As long as I keep trying to be my best, within my limits. And sometimes I can’t reach for the best, I just have to aim at keep breathing. There will be better days I hope.

And now that I mention it, hope is a big part of our lives, we keep going because we have hope that things will get better, and keep walking hoping to find a better path or hoping for the flowers to blossom, hoping, just hoping.

So I tell you this, if you have any of the ‘wrongs’ or the ‘rights’ strive. That is what defines you, not your pre-imposed destiny, but what you make of yourself.

I understand you are going through a stage and you are feeling lost, no idea what direction to take, and that’s ok. Just make sure whatever you chose think how is that choice going to help you be your best self. And also of course how is that choice going to make you happy, going to give you a future, going to make you feel proud of yourself and your achievement.