What Your Attachment Style Says About You
When it comes to attachment in our interpersonal relationships, we all have different tendencies for the way we behave. We might find ourselves being clingy, yearning for attention, and jumping to conclusions over every little thing our partner does. Or, conversely, we might find ourselves distant, withdrawn, and having difficulty “letting down our wall,” so to speak. Usually, there is a pattern across our relationships and the way we interact with others that shows a tendency to behave in a way that might be avoidant, anxious, or perhaps even perfectly emotionally stable. These tendencies have to do with our individual attachments styles, which are largely a result of our life experiences.
Types of Attachment Styles
There are three main types of attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, and secure. (There are different variations depending on where you look, such as fearful-avoidant and anxious-ambivalent, but I want to focus on the main three.)
Parental influence has been known to set the stage for your attachment style, something that follows you from childhood into adulthood, but not always. One source states that “it is important to note that attachment styles formed during early childhood are not necessarily identical to those demonstrated in adult romantic attachments.” With the great deal of time between infancy and adulthood, we develop a wide array of experiences that also contribute to the overall outcome of our attachment styles. You may have been raised by parents that met all your needs as a child and provided you with plenty of love and attention, and therefore, you initially developed a secure attachment style. But during adolescence and adulthood, maybe you found yourself in a toxic relationship that reshaped your attachment style to be driven more towards the anxious or avoidant end of the spectrum. With life experience comes different environmental factors that stem beyond parental influence, so it’s not always possible to predict the outcome of your attachment style.
Attachment Style and Romantic Relationships
Anxious attached individuals tend to seek frequent reassurance and affection from their partner, meanwhile having difficulty fully trusting them. They may experience paranoia or jump to conclusions about what their partner might be doing when they are not around. At extremes, they might be more likely to engage in risky sexual behavior or find themselves clinging onto abusive relationships.
One study states that “insecurely attached individuals, especially those who would have a higher score on anxious attachment, engage more in risky sexual behavior than the securely attached.” It’s different for everyone, but I personally suspect that this could be do to the desire to feel wanted and connected to someone, even if it is through an unhealthy or unrealistic means. But, nonetheless, it is providing the anxiously attached individual with something to fill the desire for a relationship in some capacity. Because anxiously attached individuals are more driven towards seeking partners while single, instead of being content while single, they consider any romantic or sexual attention better than none at all.
Avoidant attached individuals tend to be very independent, have minimal attachment needs, and may be uncomfortable with intimacy. They find it difficult to open up and fully disclose personal information to their partner — creating a wall that they don’t want torn down. Unfortunately, avoidant attachment styles are more negatively related to relationship quality than anxious attachment. The component of self-disclosure, and especially mutual self-disclosure, is so essential for maintaining a healthy and thriving romantic relationship.
So while anxious attachment presents problems in the form of added on challenges, avoidant attachment presents a lack of essential relationship components. If you fall into one of these categories, just know that 68% of university students were found to have an insecure attachment style, as opposed to 36% having a secure attachment style.
Secure attached individuals are comfortable displaying intimacy and creating strong bonds, but have a healthy understanding of their boundaries and independence. They are capable of developing and maintaining trust, as well as accepting rejection amicably. Of course, this attachment style is the most desirable.
It is also possible to fall somewhere in between secure and avoidant or anxious, having traits of each. If you’d like to see how you pan out, I recommend trying this attachment style test that I took in my Interpersonal Communications class. I like it because it plots your attachment style on a graph, as seen below.
My results consisted of low avoidance and mid-range anxiety, putting me in the “preoccupied” quadrant. This didn’t surprise me, as I am an anxious person in general. Though, I can definitely say I have made my gains over the years towards getting closer to the secure quadrant as I have matured, gained more self confidence, and found a better partner. If I remember correctly, I was on the far right end of the anxiety scale when I had first taken that test during my freshman year of college.
How Can I Work Towards Being More Secure?
I’m still working on it, but for me, it had a lot to do with evaluating my self-worth and realizing what I deserve. The phrase “don’t cross an ocean for someone who wouldn’t jump a puddle for you” hit me hard after several relationships where I felt like I had given my all, only to be met not even one-quarter of the way. And all for what? What did I gain by staying in relationships that had me questioning how the other person felt about me from one day to the next? That was when I realized that if someone doesn’t reciprocate to my level, then they are not worth my time. If someone takes your strongest efforts for granted enough to want to give you up, then they are missing out. And that is not your fault. Don’t settle for the no-texts-back, the “I’m too busy, so I can’t see you this week…or the next, or the next,” or the half-assed conversations. I am a supportive, generous, and committed person, so why should I accept any less than that in someone else?
