When Breaking Free from an Abuser Feels Impossible

Examining extreme trauma bonds

Photo by Jose P. Ortiz on Unsplash

With the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), approximating that 41% of women and 26% of men have experienced sexual violence, physical violence, psychological aggression or stalking by an intimate partner during their lifetime, (translating to over 61 million women and 53 million men in the United States) it’s clear that trauma-based attachments, significantly infiltrate mental health, relationship stability, and even physical health across generations.

Indeed, as a complex trauma survivor and therapist of over three decades, I can attest to the prevalence of relational abuse that runs the gamut from childhood neglect to malignant narcissistic abuse to domestic violence to sex trafficking, and everything in-between. In all these scenarios, repetitious cruelty, devaluation and intermittent positive reinforcement results in a trauma bond, a psychological connection in which cycles of abuse ignite a deep emotional attachment that the victim (mis)construes as love, loyalty, or dependency toward the abuser.

A common tactic in certain trauma-based relationships, especially in cases of childhood abuse, narcissistic abuse, exploitation, or coercive control is grooming, a strategic, manipulative process where a perpetrator systematically gains control…