How to fight back when your depression is debilitating.
Try “No Zero Days” to get moving again — slowly and steadily.
“Depression is a ghost that passes into you one day and changes everything that is true. You wake up unloved, despite how much you are loved. You become completely worthless, despite your immense worth. You can’t stop crying, can’t leave the house, can’t imagine making it past the morning. And nobody can see why you are suffering, because it’s a ghost, and how does anyone see that?”
I wrote this sentiment on the tail-end of my last major depression (you can read the full article here). It was by far my most serious. I was out of work for a year, I couldn’t get out of bed, and when I did, it was to move to the couch and hide under a different set of blankets.
My anxiety had me terrified of everything: eating breakfast, being alone, working, and even the smallest daily activities like picking the kids up from school. I felt useless, like nothing was possible.
I honestly didn’t know if I would live through it.
I didn’t want to die, though. Few people who consider (or commit) suicide actually do. We just want the pain to stop. I think that’s an often overlooked point: depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses aren’t just sadness or laziness or discomfort or nervousness or obsessive thinking. They can cause incredible, unbearable pain — and it’s the prospect of enduring this pain forever that leads to hopelessness and self-harm.
So my goal during this debilitating year became very simple: find even the smallest things that helped, that gave me hope, and that ultimately kept me alive for one more day.
Today, I want to share a simple concept with you that has really changed the way I think about mental health and healing. I call it No Zero Days, and it’s a gentle and simple way to find a bit of good in each day, even when that feels impossible.
No Zero Days simply means this: making a commitment to do something — even just one small thing — every day, no matter how bad you feel.
You can start very small. Taking a shower and brushing your hair can make your day a non-zero day at first, if you haven’t been able to regularly do these things successfully.
The important thing is that you recognize the effort you have put in and give yourself credit for making it a non-zero day. Feel accomplished when you are done. You have achieved something today, and I know how hard that is.
One day, I did the dishes before my wife came home to make it a non-zero day. Another time, I managed to brave the grocery store for 15 minutes to pick up a few items we were out of so my wife didn’t have to.
To healthy people, these things may look small. But I know how enormous they can be.
One of the best parts about the non-zero day concept is that it doesn’t matter when in the day you do something. I was paralyzed with anxiety and despair for the first half of the day, but I felt slightly better by late afternoon. So I would do one thing each day, whenever I could muster the courage.
Some other examples of thing I did to make each day a non-zero day:
- I met a friend for coffee. Just seeing and socializing with a friend counts in a major way. Don’t feel like going out? Invite a friend over to just sit with you, even if it’s in total quiet.
- I took a walk around the block. It doesn’t matter how far you go — just putting your shoes on and making it down the street is an accomplishment. Often, once you get started, you feel like going a bit further.
- I went to a therapist appointment. Meeting your scheduled obligations totally counts, and you should give yourself credit for them.
- I finished a crossword puzzle. When you are so low that your body can barely move, try something that doesn’t require it to initially. Just distract yourself with a crossword puzzle or a word search book, and feel proud of the time you spend doing something.
- I asked my wife to take me to the bookstore. I didn’t want to go at all. But I needed to prove to myself that I could — that I would be safe and okay. I ended up buying a book and finding a small bit of reprieve in that trip.
- I sat outside in the sun for half an hour, and put my feet in the grass. Are you starting to see the theme? Anything you do to get up, get distracted, or accomplish something makes it a non-zero day.
- I cooked eggs and pancakes for dinner for the family one night.
My wife was doing everything for the family, because I couldn’t. It felt really good to do something small to help her — even if it took me the whole day to build up to it.
So what if you mess up and can’t do something one day? What happens then?
The answer: absolutely nothing. No guilt, no shame, no negative self-talk. You just try again the next day. The important thing is that you set “No Zero Days” as a goal, and that you try. Missing a day or two doesn’t invalidate the work you have already done: you just pick up where you left off.
As I battled through this depression, I was ultimately diagnosed as Bipolar II. Consequently, I know that this will happen to me again. I’m not out of the woods, I’m just in a clearing. I firmly believe, though, that No Zero Days is keeping me healthier, longer.
I use it now even when I am feeling good. As a freelance writer, there are days where I have lulls in my workload. It’s tempting to stay in bed or lounge around on these days, and that’s okay for a while: I deserve rest sometimes. But I also deserve (and need) to feel accomplished, and to keep a steady momentum in my life to prevent myself from lapsing.
So I recite “No Zero Days” as a mantra when I wake up, when I shower, and when I am making plans for the day. If I rest a bit too long into the day, I recite it to motivate me to get up and do something, no matter how small.
Writing this article for you made this a non-zero day for me today. So did having lunch with my friend Beverly.
Others who haven’t suffered from a severe mental illness may try to push you too hard, too fast. My advice is to be careful about accepting pressure that you aren’t ready for yet: work with a therapist or qualified healthcare professional to track your progress and make decisions together about what seems healthy for you.
I won’t lie: healing does require us to put ourselves out of our comfort zones sometimes. I had to go back to work eventually to prove to myself that I could, even though I was terrified of it. But healing also requires comfort, too. You deserve that comfort right now when you need it most. So take small, manageable steps — and give yourself love and recognition for each one you take.
I hope you’ll consider adopting “No Zero Days” as a personal practice and mantra. Just try it out for a few days. Don’t worry about what you accomplish, or when — just come up with one thing to do each day that you wouldn’t otherwise be doing. Build up to bigger, or more, things. If I can do it, I know you can, too.
Remember, as my friend Cathy would say: You have a 100% success rate of surviving your mental illness. That’s incredible, and so are you.
