When I Decided To Put Myself First

Stephanie Chizoba Odili
Invisible Illness
Published in
2 min readAug 8, 2019

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Johnny Cohen on Unsplash

It has been six months since Seyi walked away. I immediately concluded that my life was going to fall into a bottomless pit with cactus seeds hitting me from all corners.

I didn’t understand how my body was going to survive. He understood my willowy nature. Whenever he mounted me, it felt like caving in. He was built like a brick shithouse, barrel-chested. A complete baron.

I didn’t understand how my soul was going to survive. It had become empty and incapable of feeling anything that wasn’t deep hurt. No faith in God or in man. It was depressing. My heart. Oh, my heart did it shatter into a million pieces. I began to wonder which of my faults and inadequacies had made me so resistible, so forgettable.

I began to put myself in positions where I was replaying scenarios. Wondering how I could have responded differently. I start doubting my ability to be loved, to be cared for. I started to think I was the holy grail; unable to be understood, and that was why I had become so dismissible. So replaceable. Your body, soul and heart move from a place of extreme pain, to hurt, then anger, and finally resentment. Never dwell there. Luckily for me, I didn’t. I out myself and my heart first.

Now I understand that being single is beautiful. It's selfish. I needed to feel this again. Being single opens your head and…

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