When the Actor-Observer Bias Kills Communication
If you two are going to enter into a new phase of friendship, let it happen the right way
Q: One of my best and longest friends has been experiencing a lot of mood swings lately. I’ve known her forever so I know something is up, but she won’t talk about it! I’m worried about her. It’s clear something is wrong and I’ve tried to hint at her to bring it up and talk to me about it, but she won’t budge.
This has been happening for a few weeks now, and as time goes on, I think this is coming between us because I’m more and more reluctant to not talk to her about things that are going on with me. It’s really not bothering me to not be more open with her either. I don’t want to be petty, but if she won’t reciprocate, then maybe we’re entering a phase of our friendship where we play things closer to the chest. Do friendships go through phases like that? I want to be close with her as we always have been, but if this is how she wants the friendship to be, then I should respect that, right?
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A: If I’m being honest, you’ve got some work to do here. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just an opportunity to rethink your approach and ultimately do better for this long-lasting friendship. So let’s do it.
Let’s talk about the actor-observer bias, which is a tendency we have to justify the same behavior in ourselves that we would not in other people. One example I can use to sum it up nicely would be if you yell at a child for calling someone a butthead, but in doing so, refer to the child as being a brat. It feels allowable if you do it since you’re teaching them a lesson and they really messed up, but they aren’t allowed to. Or you can drive 75 in a 25 because you’re in a hurry to get to an important meeting, but the other car that does it is being driven by an inconsiderate hellion who’s endangering the lives of the innocent.
Do you see what I mean? This is the trap you’re falling into with your friend.
You talk about being upset that she isn’t opening up to you during a time in which you’re certain something bad is going on. Yet because of that, something bad is now going on with you, and you aren’t opening up to her about it either, but it’s okay for you to not do it. It’s okay for you to not open up because she won’t reciprocate, and because this is what you think she wants for the friendship (plus she’s not bitten on any of the “hints” you’ve dropped).
You have your justifications. You’ve referenced a few of them unknowingly, and there are probably more. Do you really think she doesn’t have justifications of her own — some of which may be serious?
Understand that if something is indeed going on (which, I’ll give you, there probably is) she has her reasons for not wanting to bring it up as well — reasons that you don’t know about and therefore shouldn’t be judging. Be patient with her at this time, and readjust your energy to be about your friend hurting rather than your ego hurting because she’s not talking to you about it.
I know you feel you’ve made an effort and done your due diligence by hinting at the fact that you’re open to hearing her out (and sidenote, it’s great that you want to support her and hear her out), but hinting at communication is not necessarily going to inspire it. This is a very passive approach and I would argue that because it’s so passive and indirect, there are now two ways in which you’re not fully opening up to her:
- Not opening up about your own troubles which you alluded to having outside of this tension with her.
- Not opening up about your feelings about her not opening up.
You’re dancing around the issue at hand too, just in a different way.
Now, to address your question about friendships entering different phases: Yes they do. Friendships are always at risk of changing due to any number of twists and turns that life has to offer. Sometimes the new phases are desirable, sometimes they aren’t. And sometimes those phases come with different levels of communication. But this doesn’t sound like one of them to me, because this isn’t a change that’s occurring naturally. This change isn’t born of honesty, it’s born of keeping things from one another, and altering that starts with you — even if you feel it’s your friend who started the trend of not being open with you.
If you two are going to enter into a new phase of friendship (again, if*), let it happen the right way. And the right way does come by respecting her, as you mentioned, but respecting her in a way that is active and not reactive. That means communicating with her the same way you are with me. Tell her you’re concerned about her not being more open and that you’d like her to if she’s ready, because you want to help her as her friend. And tell her about that which is bothering you separate from her, as I imagine you ordinarily would.
If, at that point, she’s still uncomfortable opening up more, then respecting her and giving her space can be done the right way and potentially lead you two into a different phase of the friendship. Either way, you’ve done what you can to make her feel safe to soon be honest and vulnerable with you. But that will be expedited, she will be most at peace, and you will have done right by the friendship if you’re first honest with her the way you want her to be with you.
