When The Alarm Clock Fails To Ring
… and I know it would be one of those days.
Nobody wants to feel sick. We want to wake up energised, smelling the morning coffee and hope that life is going to be just fine, at least, for today. But, this perfect day may not be something that is attainable for me, today.
I have been diagnosed with major depressive disorder (“MDD”) and anxiety disorder. I have accepted this fact a long time ago and I believe I have made peace of this situation. By right, this invisible illness should not bother me anymore.
Nonetheless, I am still human. As much as I am able to accept the fact that I am not my mental illness, and I am mentally strong, there are times when I feel defeated, by the illness itself.
Today, I feel tired and depleted. For the past two days, I’ve been curling in my bed, reading books and chose not to go out of the house. I understand that nature helps to combat depression, but the thought of going out or meeting people triggers my other illness, anxiety. I still struggle to juggle between the two. Sometimes, I can feel dark and sad, and sometimes I am feeling anxious and disoriented. The thought of getting out of bed, going out stifles me. I chose to feel safe in the comfort of my own home.
I miss being the old me, prior to the illness. I used to love going out and meeting people, having coffee with friends. Now, the world is a crowded place, and I refused to go out. Being in a crowd is not something I can endure nowadays. I can’t stand it anymore.
I used to love running. In the early days when I was first diagnosed with MDD, I still run to ease the pain. Today, the love to run is no longer there. I wanted to run, but there was this prominent energy pulling me back and telling me to stay in bed. I’ve felt this before, and now it is here again.
I miss my life. I really do.
People say “mind over matters”. I need to have a very strong mental energy to overcome this. Unfortunately, Depression, or to be specific, MDD doesn’t work that way. As much as I am mentally strong, most of the time, MDD wins. I feel bad for losing the battle.
Here I am. In bed. At home.
Do I feel defeated? Yes.
Do I lose hope? No.
When the illness comes to visit me, I welcome them. I breathe. I am aware they are here, although they are not welcome to my home. I am not my mental illness. I see them from afar. I am my highest good. They don’t have power over me.
I forgive myself for feeling this way. It’s not something that I choose to feel. Mental illness is no joke. It’s real.
Some days I am okay, some days I am not. That’s okay.
I have done my best to live. I chose to get up and seize the day, even if that means staying in and spending time reading books at home. I try to be present for my family although there were times when I must sleep during the day to recuperate (and that’s also the effect of the medications).
Do I wish for a better day? Of course.
But today, it is what it is. I have tried my best.
For those who are struggling with mental illness out there, it is okay to feel down sometimes. We breathe, and we continue living. We are not our mental illness and remember, we are mentally strong.
Tomorrow is a new day. The hope continues. Have faith that one day, we will be healed, completely.
All is well in our world.