Why Ask Why?

Wouldn’t you rather know how?

Image by Alex Green, Pexels

Sooner or later, if you come to me for therapy, I’ll ask you to put, in a single sentence, your objective in seeing me. I ask this because I want to know how to be successful. I also want you to define your goal. The most common answer I get is something like, “I want to know why I am the way I am.” In other words, why do I drink more than I should, why can’t I get the courage to leave my husband, or why am I so depressed, so anxious, or so angry?

I used to be surprised by this, especially if it came after a long, intense description of how unhappy they were. Wouldn’t they rather know how to stop drinking, how to be less depressed, anxious, angry, or how to leave their husband. Why ask why?

The insurance company, which may be paying for most of your therapy would rather you asked how than why. How can be answered in a few sessions. I could teach you the principles of relapse prevention, symptom management, cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavioral therapy, mindfulness meditation, relaxation, conflict resolution, or refer you to a divorce lawyer without even getting to know you. I may not need much training or be especially skilled or wise to teach you how. It could all come from a book or a YouTube video. In fact, you might not even need to see me at all: you can buy the book or stream the video and save your…