“Why do you keep going?”
“Kennedy,” I answered. The most matter-of-fact answer I’d given that day. “My best friend.”
“She’s been really supportive for you?”
“No. She’s dead. She died by suicide. And I saw how much that hurt everyone else. And I know how much it hurt me. I… I can’t do that to anyone else.”
We sat there in silence. I don’t think the therapist knew what to say.
I’m not a danger to myself — let me make that clear right now. That, in my life, may be the only thing that I’m sure of. I have learned, though, in my experiences and years since I’ve lost my best friend, that I am a ‘force of nature’ if you will. Someone to be ‘reckoned’ with. Or so I’ve been told. Resilient is a word I hear a lot.
There is no feeling in the world that can describe the pain of losing your best friend. The person that you relied on the most is suddenly stolen from you. And there is no feeling to describe the guilt associated with death by suicide, no matter how hard you may try to push it aside. There’s always guilt. It fades. But in over three years, it hasn’t disappeared.
I live for Kennedy. I am alive because of Kennedy.
And that’s because she taught me so much in her life and death. She showed me the power of kindness, the vulnerability in sharing, the beauty of true friendship. The meaning of real heartbreak. The difference between grief and mourning.
The desire to keep her alive started the AMAZING Campaign — a campaign designed around the idea that we all deserve to see ourselves as, well amazing. Because though we may be different or unique, we’re all incredible in our own ways. And there’s something absolutely beautiful about that.
But maybe the AMAZING Campaign was based on more than that. My desire to not only end the stigma, but end the silence. For so long, we’ve been so quiet about mental illness. And that’s not okay. In fact, it’s quite dangerous.
So, yes, I do live for Kennedy. And yes, I am alive because of Kennedy. I keep going because of Kennedy. Because she can’t speak up for herself anymore. So in this life that I still have, I will speak up for myself. And I will speak up for Kennedy.
