Why I Zone Out A Lot: My Story With Depersonalization/Derealization
What is DDD? How do we cope with this lesser-known disorder?
I’ve always had trouble sleeping. At around five years old, I would often lie awake while my mom snored lightly beside me. During these moments, I would suddenly feel like the world was closing in around me. I felt so small but at the same time, I felt my limbs growing bigger — not in a metaphorical sense but in real life. My face would feel shrunken while my arms and legs became magnified.
It terrified me. I would shut my eyes tight, hoping that the haunting image will go away. Eventually, I would fall asleep and decided the next day that it was just a bad dream.
During my teens, I would often see things in a haze. My high school was quite crowded so there’s always something going on around the corner. As I would walk the front gate, I instantly felt the bad kind of butterflies in my stomach. The buildings appeared distorted and the voices I heard seemed like they’re coming from another planet.
Being myself was like being on autopilot. I felt like a lot of my actions weren’t in my control. My body didn’t feel like my body. My own reflection didn’t feel real.
Making sense of my environment became more difficult as I grew older. Many people would mistake my silence for a snobbish attitude or that I was unapproachable. Little did they know that I was zoning out, completely detached from what was happening around me.
As I reached my 20s, I started to become realistically curious about my ‘zoned out’ experiences. Being a teenager, I thought I was just a daydreamer. And this term was often romanticized in songs and novels as something special. So I continue to identify with it, not knowing that my experience was more than a daydream.
I started working a corporate job which brought a huge change in my daily routine and lifestyle. It was a difficult transition. Sudden changes never seemed to work well with me.
I got along with my colleagues like I would in most situations. I just couldn’t sustain long conversations and would prefer sitting on my desk and secretly watch YouTube videos.
During meetings, I found it hard to focus on what the person on the other end was saying after talking for an hour or so. I would catch myself in the same predicament — being elsewhere. This posed a big problem for my productivity at work and more so to my mental health.
But how did it turn out this way for me? How does this seem so out of my control?
Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder (DDD)
I came across this term while I was doing some self-research about the episodes I was having. According to a medically-reviewed article from Verywell Mind, DDD is a mental health condition that causes someone to feel disconnected from reality — to experience a feeling of being outside of their body and/or to have difficulty in perceiving their surroundings and what’s happening around them as real.
The former, which is referred to as Depersonalization is characterized by the following:
- Inability to recognize and understand their own emotions
- Detachment from ordinary physical sensations
- Inability to control speech or movement
- Inability to attach emotions to their own memories
- Perceiving their body and limbs as distorted
- Feeling that their head is somehow in a fog or wrapped in cotton
The latter, termed as Derealization is a disassociation to reality that causes the following:
- Objects appear distorted in terms of their shape and distance
- Person recalls recent events as something that happened long ago
- Immediate surroundings can appear to be straight out of a movie scene
As someone who has experienced most of these symptoms, I began to read and study more about this condition. Even though I have no formal diagnosis, it helped me a lot to make more sense of what was happening to me. It made me want to do something about it and be better.
Statistics, Symptoms, Diagnosis and Risk Factors
According to an article by Psychology Today, people with this disorder will start showing symptoms in early childhood and about 5% experience them over the age of 25. For adults over 40, symptoms rarely happen for the first time. In a paper published by the Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology journal, DDD occurs in about 2% of the population. Moreover, in a 2003 study, it was found that in 117 cases, most of the patients were also diagnosed with depression, anxiety, or both.
Depersonalization/Derealization episodes may last for hours, days, weeks, months and even years. In most cases, the person is conscious of their inner thoughts and what is actively happening around them. This makes them aware that they are experiencing detachment from reality. As a result, the person may fear that they are losing their minds.
There is a thorough process for diagnosing someone with DDD which includes several interviews, tests and even imaging procedures. If an individual experiences clinical distress that significantly affects work productivity, relationships and overall functioning in different social settings, then there is a high chance to be diagnosed with this disorder.
As I read further, I learned that DDD can be triggered by stress, anxiety and depression. It can often happen to those who have experienced past trauma such as emotional or physical abuse, witnessing domestic violence, and unexpectedly losing a loved one.
Other risk factors include recreational drug usage, difficulty in adapting to difficult situations and experiencing severe stress in any aspect of life such as work, family, relationships, etc.
Coming from a rough childhood wherein I felt and witnessed neglect, and both emotional and physical abuse, I was able to understand how probable it was for me to have this disorder. Gaining knowledge about this condition made me ready to face the ghosts I kept in the dark for so long.
Coping with DDD
It’s never easy to accept that we have an underlying mental illness, that we are experiencing something that we can’t fully control. It requires an open mind to learn about our condition coupled with the willingness to get better.
To cope with the symptoms of Depersonalization/Derealization Disorder, I practiced meditation. This helped me become more mindful of my emotional state. Last year, I enrolled to a yoga class where I was able to learn proper breathing exercises and mindful movement. I became more aware of my body and my surroundings as well.
Travelling also proved to be an effective way of keeping my mind in the present moment. Being in transit allowed me to focus more on what’s happening around me. It prevented me from being in a dream-like state and kept me grounded to reality.
Other times I would try and do simple face exercises in front of the mirror so I can get more acquainted with my features. This helped me have a better sense of my physical appearance in order to easily recognize myself whenever I have the tendency to drift away from my body.
It’s also important that I learned to reach out to my friends and talk to them more frequently and share stories with them however silly or simple they may be.
All of these coping mechanisms are effective in keeping the physical senses active and encourages engagement to the external world. To not just view the world as an observer but to actually feel that you are a part of it.
Other recommended coping strategies include pinching the back of the hand, holding something really warm or cold, constant eye movement and slow breathing.
Anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications are sometimes prescribed along with psychotherapy sessions. There is a high chance for recovery once the underlying stressors and triggers are dealt with. Some individuals recover even without specific medical treatment.
As for me, the past couple of months have been better. My zoning out episodes grew infrequent and I paid close attention to the triggers that may cause them. I’m learning day to day to be here and now.
Depersonalization/Derealization is a common but lesser-known dissociative disorder that can cause an individual to have difficulty in day-to-day social activities. If you think you are experiencing symptoms of DDD, keep informed, and seek help. If anyone you know is dealing with this disorder, show your support by encouraging them to seek the appropriate treatment.
Talking about mental health is important. Bringing awareness to these conditions and sharing our personal journey with it can make a lot of people feel less alone in their silent battles.
