Why I’ll Never Stop Using Cannabis

Author’s note: Talking about these topics may make some people uncomfortable. If that’s the case, you can opt not to read, or continue reading to educate yourself and possibly reform your opinions. Totally up to you — I assure you I take no offense either way. My overall feeling is that if one person benefits from my experience, that far outweighs all else.

This is really hard for me to write. I’m a hopelessly self-conscious person, and I tend to care a lot what people think about me. Part of it is tied into my anxiety, but I’m sure a lot of it is also just me.

Some people think that I’m brave for speaking up about mental illness, and now cannabis. I think that I’m brave just for being here — existing — when I could so very easily not be. I can solemnly confirm that the alternative often looks like the better option.

When I wrote my first article outing my own mental illnesses, I felt a considerable amount of simultaneous relief and anxiety. What would people think? What if a future client saw this? What if I lose friends? I’ve always been jealous of people who could genuinely not care what others thought. It’s just never been possible for me.

That very anxiety is the primary reason for the (very definitive) topic of this article. It’s a never-ending cycle of internalizing everything, only to have a meltdown when you finally do step up to ask for help or speak your experience.

Depression and anxiety tell me that I suck

Living life with depression and anxiety is often like having a frenemy. The only reason I even consider it my friend is that it’s made me more self-aware and generally conscious person. I give a shit what I do, who I hurt, and what impact I have on the world.

But otherwise, it sucks.

I am an incredibly capable individual, full of creativity and life. Depression clouds my mind and drains my energy to do anything, and anxiety tells me that everyone hates me, nothing is right, and I’m useless. Everyone’s depression and anxiety is not the same, by any means, but these two cats from hell are mine. I’ve become quite familiar with them.

When I want to sit down and write from the heart, my anxiety tells me that nobody cares what I have to say. That someone will take offense. It tells me I’m too excited about something, and I should calm down before someone notices and thinks I’m weird.

Combined with the depression, slowly but surely, I find myself losing interest in things that I used to love… because what the hell difference does it make anyway?

The entire purpose of this information is to paint this picture. Who wants to live like that? Most certainly not me. I have too much shit to do.

Now I want to talk about cannabis.

But weed is bad!

If you’re reading this and you don’t know anything about cannabis, I am in the process of putting together a list of resources. Follow me on Medium to learn more about cannabis and mental illness. I mean, talk about other stuff, too, but I’m mostly constantly wiping on the mental illness boss.

TL;DR: Cannabis is not bad. It’s actually far from bad, with strong research-supported indication that it may be medicinal.

Where I generally have a stance of “educate yourself”, I understand fully that cannabis is a touchy topic for some, with a lot of misinformation out there. You should be able to make an informed decision for yourself, which relies heavily on accurate and up-to-date research findings/other data.

I will absolutely preface this, however, with the statement that cannabis is still very much illegal on the federal level. Individuals who are using cannabis, whether recreationally or medically, are doing so at their own risk, and some have faced prosecution on the federal level.

The fact that individuals like myself and others are willing to step up and speak about our experiences to begin with, despite these risks, should say something. Individuals are expressing their bodily autonomy, and demanding that the federal government recognize them as whole citizens worthy of treatment, free from the red tape of capitalism.

What you need to know

The Endocannabinoid System

To be able to speak on an educated, informed level about cannabis requires at least a basic level of knowledge in how the Endocannabinoid System works. This bodily system, which we all have, is responsible for cannabis’ special physiological effects.

Understanding it will inform you of exactly how cannabis does what it does, to the extent that we as humans understand it ourselves. It’s dense material, but pretty straight-forward, so there are some videos included in the educational materials.

Sativa vs. Indica

Another super important topic to learn about in order to better understand this post is the difference between sativa and indica. Generally speaking, sativa plants may provide a more uplifting, energetic, and creative medicinal effect. In contrast, indica plants may provide a more sedative effect, with increased body relaxation or drowsiness.

Both types may provide medicinal effects for a variety of illnesses, ranging from anxiety, depression and stress disorders to physical ailments and chronic pain. With virtually no negative side effects.

The great thing about writing on the ‘net is that is this post will be here forever. So please, I invite readers to go find out more about cannabis, because from here on out, this post is about my own experience with it.

Cannabis : me :: spinach : Popeye

I really actually wish there were a strain called Popeye’s Spinach. Someone get on that.

I am a medical marijuana (MMJ) cardholder in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Since I moved back to the East Coast, rather than opting to go on disability insurance when things have gotten really bad between my depression and anxiety… I have self-medicated.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m still on Prozac. I absolutely believe that some pharmaceutical medications are lifelines for people, and would never discourage anyone from following doctors’ orders. However, part of making an informed decision is being informed. Know your options, and ask questions.

On the topic of doctors and medical cannabis

A quick segue: You may wonder why you don’t see doctors out there recommending cannabis, if it’s so medically beneficial. When I went to get my MMJ card, I had to see a doctor who was not my primary care physician. The office, one of a chain of legitimate office businesses, was owned by a Licensed Physician.

Because medical cannabis is still gaining traction on state level, and there is a lot of risk involved all around, it’s understandable that a lot of Licensed Physicians don’t want to be linked to the medical cannabis industry until the point of federal approval.

The few that are out there processing patients are Real American Heroes, though. I want to take a moment to send out some appreciation for America’s doctors working in the medical cannabis industry. Even if it’s often driven by profit, we’re Americans — everything is driven by profit.

What these doctors are doing is for the greater good, while putting themselves in a position to lose their licenses and face imprisonment. As a patient, we all know that the doctor who licensed us may end up behind bars one day, for helping us cope with our illnesses.

But back to Popeye and spinach.

I use cannabis CO2 extract, vaporized with a small e-cig-like pen device. the liquid, in a blunt syringe, is sticky, doesn’t last long, and god help you if you ever get it in your hair or eye (meeee).

The strain is generally a sativa for daytime use, or an indica for heavy relaxation/sedation at night. I don’t like putting smoke in my lungs, so vaping offers a discreet means of taking my medication exactly when I need it.

Within seconds of vaping, the constant chatter in my mind dissipates. It gets very quiet.

I’m happy, perhaps even euphoric. I’m not thinking so much about everything that’s wrong, but rather, everything that’s right. If I do encounter a negative thought line, I acknowledge it, exercise mindfulness, and let it go.

My internal voice finally surfaces, and we’ll have some laughs about the bullshit I’ve been facing lately. Girl, it says, I’ve been there watching. You a mess. We start planning how the fuck to clean up the aftermath of my latest breakdown.

The way I phrased that last paragraph definitely sounds odd, but anyone who medicates may be able to relate. To understand any of what I’m trying to convey, you first need to understand that someone suffering from mental illness is not their illness.

There is a person under this shitty fog of misanthropy and misery that you secretly feel weird about sometimes because we don’t answer your texts sometimes or cancel plans at the last minute. We hurt when you’re angry at us for things we couldn’t prevent, sending us into a spiral of self-doubt and further depression.

This person under the fog is someone you’d definitely be proud to be friends with, so we’re all missing out when I’m suffering. That person comes out to play when I’m medicated. I finally feel deserving of happiness, at peace, and capable. Those are three feelings that never otherwise exist for me.

Bonus: Here is a long list of things I want to do when I’m medicated

Tackle problems I’m facing.
Tell people that I love them.
Write or talk.
Focus.
Listen to music.
Laugh.
Cry.
Sing.
Dance.
Try new things.
Put together a plan of strategic assault on my depression, and execute it.
Work out.
Take care of myself.
Give hugs and kisses.
Praise and celebrate myself and others.
Eat delicious food.
Look at beautiful, happy things.
Enjoy others’ company.
Be happily alone and in my own mind.
Pet my cat, Paul, on the floor.
Roll around on the floor with my cat, Paul.
Fall asleep on the floor with my cat, Paul.

That got sad fast.

Except that it’s not sad. It made me happy at the time, so I did it, and I’m genuinely happy.

When I’m medicated, my anxiety is no longer whispering an unwanted “nope, it was the wrong thing to do” after I express joy in experiencing something. And for me, that experience is worth all the cannabis, money, and legal risk in the world.

I get that it might affect my career

If choosing to be healthy and happy affects my career, then I firmly believe it will only be in the most positive of ways. If I lose business, it’s likely because the client and I were not a strong ideological fit for each other. I want to work with quality people who value me and the work that I do.

I only evangelize cannabis because it works for me, and it works really well. It’s the reason that this country has one more capable body in the work force, and one less capable body on SSDI. Nationwide, attitudes toward medical cannabis are changing, and I choose to believe that we are collectively headed toward acceptance.

But even I admit that it’s a tough pill to swallow, being rejected. As my business is an extension of myself, by declining my services, they declined me. And I’m becoming more and more okay with that with each passing day.

If you want to support a great person who is incredibly passionate about the work that they do, empowering individuals to embrace their self-taught learning styles and approach web development with a successful mindset… then I am your person. I have helped to change lives, and I hold these truths in my heart to ward away nay-sayers.

This is a lot of information

Soak it in. We’re in a culture of social media that causes us to scroll down our news feed and shout loudly at our screens, “YES! NO! FUCK THEM! THAT SUCKS. YOU’RE WRONG. AWW BUNNY.”

We need time to absorb information, though. So think on it. Educate yourself, ask questions with mindfulness toward our waning energy levels, and be open minded. That’s all that someone like me and so many others ask.

But if you’re not at least accepting with it after all that, then I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe — just maybe — you just don’t like others to be happy?

I totally accept that some folks may not be okay with me sitting at home in my own apartment, high as balls, listening to music, and planning starting my own business on a Friday night. I’m being a fucking nuisance to you, and disrupting your life. Yep.

But, if you’re not okay with that, but you’re totes okay with the culture of going out and getting drunk with risks of drunk driving, rape culture, bodily harm, and a whole goddamn slew of other health risks… you are a hypocrite. Just admit that you’re a hypocrite, so we can move on.

If you’re not okay with drugs or alcohol in general, I totally understand as well! Some of the most awesome people in my life are sober, and I appreciate their value in my life. With a family history of alcoholism, I have seen the havoc that substance abuse can wreak on loved ones.

But as you’ll see from the research you did to substantiate the position you’ve formed (right?), there are no risks of physiological dependence to cannabis. Your mileage may vary, but this is no opiate. Personally, my worst side effects are dry mouth, forgetting what I was saying a second ago, gigglesnorting, and eating Taco Bell.

Otherwise, I’m a happy, free individual. I am contributing to society. I am acting on my dreams, and able to generate and maintain enough energy on my own to give back. Helping others is a passion of mine, and I can’t do it when I’m depressed.

I don’t like not being under the effects of cannabis, because the person you are seeing is not me. It’s a husk of me. It’s hurting, but maybe you don’t care because it’s nodding and seeming attentive. It showed up to its 9-to-5 on time, dumped out a minimal viable product, and shambled off to go participate in unhealthy coping behaviors.

Just remember that when you form judgments about individuals who are leaning on emotional crutches just to be able to stand up, you’re demonstrating your privilege of being able to walk.

In summary

I hope there’s never a day in my life that I’m not myself. So, until we find a cure for depression and anxiety, I hope that I will always be medicated.

I am exercising my right to autonomy, and opting to exist on my own terms.