Why Trying to be Less Anxious Never Made Me Happy
And how I made joy (not fear) the context of my life
There comes a point in our self-help journey when we’ve worked hard on ourselves, and our problems. We’ve analyzed our triggers, our past, our worries, and our fears. We’ve examined all the reasons (at least the ones we can remember) why we became so anxious and afraid in the first place. But still, that soul-sucking anxiety and self-doubt continue to follow us. We can’t shake it.
I was 26 when I said enough is enough
I decided to face head-on the death-grip anxiety had on my life. I’d been reading books about childhood trauma, anxiety, and codependency. I knew I had to find someone safe and experienced to help me process everything I’d been through, and how I’d been hurt.
Sitting across from my new therapist I was scared but ready. I started by telling her some of the little things that happened to me. I talked about the time I was in first grade waiting for my mom to pick me up after school — and how unloved I felt when she never did. Instead, she was at the bar drinking with her friends. I described the look of pity on my teacher’s face and the shame I felt as we sat there together waiting for her.
I told her about the time when I was just seven years old and my dad left me all alone in his truck, so he could go drink in the tavern. It was so dark outside. I sat in that truck all alone — and terrified.
It took many more sessions but I finally told her my big secrets.
The things that put holes in my soul. The things that happened in the dark when no one was protecting me. The family members who violated me. My grandmother’s neighbor who would bring her whiskey and coke, then take me to the woods across the street — I was just 11 years old.
I wanted to understand how the people who were supposed to keep me safe left me all alone to be hurt and abused. I wanted to scream at God for abandoning me and loving other little girls and boys more than he loved me. I wanted to hate and blame my parents and my grandmother. I wanted to be validated. I wanted to be told it was okay to be angry and to stay angry.
I sobbed from the depths of my soul. Session after session the tears just kept coming. I couldn’t stop them. I would shake. I felt out of control, and in control, all at the same time. Telling my secrets to someone safe was a step I had to take. It gave me relief, but it didn’t restore my happiness or worthiness. I wanted that.
“Be like the lotus: trust in the light, grow through the dirt, believe in new beginnings” — Anonymous
Eight Years Later
I’d come a long way since meeting my therapist and sharing my secrets with her. In fact, my life started to look like a success — and so did I. My therapist said I had beaten the odds because many of the kids who grew up like me either ended up dead or in jail. But despite my childhood, and my anxiety, I’d managed to create a life that looked normal — by conventional standards.
But on the inside, I was still struggling.
When I was out in the world it took all of my energy just to manage my anxious thoughts, and to look comfortable in my skin. After years of therapy, I understood all of my triggers — and knew what to do if one got provoked. And, of course, I always had my medication (reluctantly) and my therapist, to fall back on.
I was an expert about my anxiety. But I still couldn’t walk into a room without scanning it for a safe place to hide or blend in. I couldn’t have a conversation — even with friends — without wondering if they were judging me for being uninteresting, or worried I’d say all the wrong things.
I was exhausted. I didn’t feel successful or normal. I didn’t know how to be happy. Armed with all of my anti-anxiety tools, I was stalling at just feeling okay. Most days I couldn’t wait to get home where I didn’t have to work so hard to hide all of my insecurities.
I’d already spent most of my life feeling anxious. And although I had tools to manage my anxiety — albeit not very well — I wanted more from life, and for myself. I wanted to feel as confident on the inside as other people looking at me from the outside already thought I did.
When our life is held hostage because of anxiety (and self-doubt) the promise that we can feel less anxious sounds great. It sounds like a “hell yes!”
But it became clear to me that just feeling less anxious wasn’t actually what I wanted. It was just the baseline — a baseline is a minimum or starting point used for comparisons. And that’s a good thing because we can see our progress! But the baseline is not the destination we’re aiming for — is it?
In conventional recovery, we’re not taught very much about the experience of thriving, or how to exist in a state of wholeness. We don’t talk about our soul or the joy of knowing our true nature. Instead, we get stuck in fixing, analyzing, and striving. And the truth I was uncovering is that the tools that can make us feel less anxious are not always the same tools that will make us happy.
Living at baseline for too long can eventually cause more anxiety and frustration — even shame and guilt — because we wonder why we don’t feel better after having done so much work on ourselves already. This is what happened to me. And I was beginning to suspect that if I ever wanted to feel truly worthy — to live without the weight of self-doubt and separateness — I was going to have to do something new. But that also meant I was going to have to leave baseline and learn how to create a more inspiring reality for myself and my life.
“Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn so that we see ourselves as we really are. “— Anonymous
Ten Years Later
I spent the first two decades of my life looking for happiness and chasing that elusive quality of worthiness and belonging. The biggest secret I discovered is that happiness, worthiness, and inner peace are not qualities we find — instead, they are absolute aspects of who we already are.
But for many of us who’ve spent our lives focused on our deficiencies; and who have worked hard on overcoming them, our attention is almost always on protecting ourselves from the possibility of once again being abandoned, hurt, or judged. So, we miss the joy and worthiness already within us. We can’t see the wholeness of who we already are. We don’t even know it’s there waiting for us to claim it.
Maybe, like me, you’ve spent years learning to survive. And maybe now, you want to feel more than just okay. Maybe you want to make it through the day without worrying what other people think about you; without doubting your worth; without questioning your decisions; or comparing yourselves to others.
The journey from baseline to emotional and mental freedom is a journey of the soul.
It is a path that promises you a way out of suffering. It allows you the opportunity to have real authority over your inner life — and to be in the driver’s seat of your daily happiness. It’s a wonderful thing to be established in your wholeness and to know that you matter, just as you are. Imagine joy (not anxiety) being the context of your life.
I have made this journey. I have crossed that long bridge from just working on my anxiety, to feeling in control of my life — and my emotions. Today I live with clarity, inner peace, and a deep appreciation for who I am.
Was it easy to reach this new way of living? To get to a place where many of my days are anxiety-free? A life where I am guided by my truth, and where I have a deep sense of inner peace, and worthiness?
No, it wasn’t.
Was it worth it? Absolutely — 100%.
If you suffer or feel anxious at this moment…
It does not mean anything is wrong with you. If you have been seeking solutions like I was and are still dealing with limiting beliefs, uncertainty, anxious thoughts, or fear, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. I want you to let yourself off the hook. There are things in your life for which you have had no control over. Your programming runs deep, most of which was not implanted by you. So be kind to yourself on this journey.
If you’re reading this article to find out what it is you’re missing, I’m here to tell you that you already have everything you need. As the poet, Rumi wrote, “what you seek is seeking you.” So instead of looking outward for your worthiness, I want you to know that all you really need to do is look in the mirror.
Connect with me on Facebook and Instagram where I share more of my story of surviving and thriving after anxiety, self-doubt, and PTSD. To get a free copy of my book, “If I’m So Spiritual, Why Am I Still So Anxious?” visit my website at www.joystonecoaching.com
