Member-only story
Why We Can Be Scared To Heal Our Trauma
5 fears that keep us “stuck” in our pain.
It seems counterintuitive to think this — let alone write about it — but many of us are scared of healing our trauma. If we have lived in a prolonged state of fight, flight, or freeze (or any combination, thereof) for most of our lives, then these become our “normal” reactions to abnormal situations. We look at unpredictable as just another day in the life. We learn to navigate these inconsistencies and have adapted to chaos as familiar, even comfortable.
For me, my “normal” in childhood was to freeze, and to try and disappear. I was too little to stand my ground and defend myself. Besides, back then, our caregiver’s rules were final, even if they ruled with an iron fist. In my young adult life and up until about eight years ago, I shifted to “flight” mode and would go until I physically collapsed from exhaustion, and then I would switch to freeze and shut down.
For many of us stuck in a toxic two-step dance of survival, we don’t know any different, or any better. Our relationship choices typically reflect our unhealed trauma on some level (or several levels). There’s not much room for deeper connection if all you do is sit around playing video games all day with your friends. And, there’s not much room for authentic intimacy if you and your partner are…