Working with a Mental Illness

I’ve been at work since 8am, and it’s nearing 3:30pm. This is the first time I’ve sat down all day. I haven’t had a lunch break. I haven’t had a moment to myself for 7.5 hours.

10 minutes ago, one of my colleagues told me my boss doesn’t think I’m putting in enough hours. My boss doesn’t think I’m working hard enough, my boss doesn’t think I really want to be here.

Honestly? I don’t know. It’s so, so hard just getting out of bed and into a shower in the morning. And then to hear that my boss doesn’t think I’m putting in enough hours? It really hurts. Because I’m trying my best. Today I tried my best.

But sometimes my best with depression isn’t enough for people and I don’t know how to explain how hard I’m trying. I don’t know how to explain that simply walking out of my door that morning wasn’t so simple. For me, that was a lot. For me, those steps required so much effort.

I want to be here. Alive. For now, I know that. And for now, that’s enough.

Working with depression is hard sometimes. But I’m doing it. And some days, maybe I don’t thrive, maybe I just survive. But you know what? That’s enough.