“You don’t have to be productive” — a double-edged Sword for the Depressed and Anxious
During this time of isolation I often read well-meant advice about productivity and creativity. Telling me it’s okay not to be productive, to just exist during this crisis. For depressed and anxious me however, this does not feel like a relief at all.
I have been dealing with depression my whole life. With age however and therapy I have developed coping mechanisms to keep me from spiraling downwards.
One of them has been establishing a routine that can help me feel productive and accomplished, which keeps me off the couch and out of bed during the day. Not that there is anything wrong with taking well-deserved breaks, but it doesn’t help when a break lasts for years.
This new situation poses a grave challenge for me, though. My routine used to include rituals like getting up in the morning and working out, putting on make up, drinking coffee and meditating. I moved through the day little step after little step: going to work, going grocery shopping on the way home after and then cleaning with the energy I still had from being outside. After that, I could reasonably sit down and wind down.
Now life looks very different and it’s putting me in a bad state of mind. This is apparently happening to a lot of those who suffer from anxiety and depression. More and more people on social media are reflecting on the fact that being at home by themselves used to feel like comfort. Having a retreat from the world was soothing for all of the anxious souls. But now it feels like a trap. Self-isolation has turned into a massive weight on the chest, making it hard to breathe.
It also feels like I am taking ten steps back in my recovery process. I can feel the stress building inside me every time I read: “Now that I am in isolation, my flat is clean and the laundry is done. So productive at home.” I can’t relate. And I also can’t relate to the good people wanting to take the pressure off saying: “It’s okay not to be productive and just be.” This stresses me out even more. Because not being productive means to me reverting back to my old depressed self. Scrolling through social media hours on end, only reading half of the headlines on Twitter, watching Youtube Videos without really digesting the content, everything feels like background noise to my depression rolling back up on me.
My therapist’s advice is: “Go day by day, hour by hour if necessary.” So I will try to do that. But for now, I feel defeated. And I think, it is okay to feel that way and to stop feeling guilty for being uncomfortable in a state that used to feel comforting. At the moment, I don’t like being stuck at home and having no way to retreat from what used to be my retreat. The lack of balance is a stark reminder of how necessary a sense of balance really is to feel whole and sound.
So to all my fellow anxious and depressed beings out there: Let’s hope together that this will end soon and we can revel again in solitude and also find pleasure in not being alone anymore.
