You Don’t Have to Say Your Abuser’s Name

It’s just a distraction from recovery.

Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash

People might ask you who it was. You may want to tell them. You may not.

They may have the best intentions. They may want to go cause them physical harm (without realizing that hurting them won’t heal you).

The revenge mentality just takes away from you. You want to be heard. Listened to. You want to mourn and have your wails fall on sympathetic ears. You want to be told that you’re loved and that you’re worthy.

Band aids help to heal.

More knives do not.

What good is it to cut the knife that cut you?

You don’t have to say your abuser’s name . . . ever.

That person has no power over you.

Your life is going on a different trajectory now.

You are not cursed.

You are not bound to your past.

You are free.

Heal at your own pace.

People might try to rush you. To get over it faster. To act “normal.”

They might be giving you that advice because that’s the advice they heard, too. They might be giving you that advice because they were also abused, and they pushed those feelings down, down, down, down until they got hard.

They might not know how to heal, or that everyone heals differently.

Anyone who wants to rush your healing is doing that for themselves…because your pain makes them uncomfortable for some reason.

You do not need to rush. You do not have to struggle to be normal when you feel awful.

If you feel bad, let yourself feel bad. Breathe through it without shame. Without telling yourself what you should be feeling.

It’s okay to feel bad sometimes.

Heal at your own pace.

The abuse is one thing and the recovery is another.

People will conflate the two. They might suggest that what happened happened a long time ago, so you should be better.

These people are afraid.

When people give you advice that ignores the fact that abuse is one thing, and recovery is another, it is because they themselves are afraid.

Do not reclaim the memory of you. Keep growing.

It’s normal to look at old photos and want to be that person again.

But, abuse or no, you cannot be a person who exists in the past.

Even if that thing didn’t happen, you would have changed. You change every day.

So instead of trying to reclaim the old you, create a new you.

Go forward in time instead of worshiping the impossible, the gone, the old you.

Who is the new you? What do they like? What brings them joy?

I can’t wait to meet them.


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