Zoloft, Diapers and Hormones: Part 1

Being Single and Pregnant with Depression

I looked at my now-ex partner and said, “So… I am pregnant”. Not a complex statement, not flashy, not overly dramatic — though mascara was definitely sliding down my face from tears of fear. He looked at me and said, “We will get through this together”. Later I found out, that was more of a bravado statement then truth… but what can you do? He wiped my tears and that day in June because we didn’t know what else new parents were to do, we went to see the odd movie Neon Demon. What would follow in the next few months would be mostly silence on his part and on my part: fear, loneliness, uncertainty and depression in new forms.

Small blab of a background: I was clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 15. So before the, “hormones played a high part in how you felt” debate comes up, do realize I have had this beautiful but complicated issue all my life. Up until the pregnancy I kept it hidden and did not let it define me. Pregnancy made my depression LIT. (Millennial term for crazy). Hormones did play a SMALL part — turning my daily depression dial from a 6 to an 11. During the next two trimesters, I had three trials of medication (Zoloft, Lexapro and Wellbutrin) and a brief stint in outpatient therapy under my belt. The medicine and the therapy I have been faced with in this pregnancy has taught me more about myself then years of counseling and therapy alone have tried to teach me. It has so far shed these truths:

Depression is not my identity. It does not define me — never will.

Spring ALWAYS comes after winter. (A little blurb a very creative soul taught me. Simply put, today seems cold, hopeless and dreary, but naturally the sun will come out again.)

I am a kick ass female and I need to give myself more credit while being my own dating partner. Dating is so 2016, 2017 is the year of ME and baby.

This particular writing is short because I am adding to it every day. Life is filled with just as much happiness and wonder as it is with sadness and pain. Will my depression say hi to me on some days in the future? Of course — it did yesterday when I realized GOT DAMN DIAPERS ARE EXPENSIVE!!!! But I need to have faith in the universe and in myself. I have a new life growing inside of me and I am setting an example for her. She motivates me to seek gratitude in everything I do and she makes me feel like I CAN overcome anything — -at least until I am faced with diarrhea diaper blowouts…

To be continued….