making peace with my duality | #21
an honest journey.
Ever since I was a young boy, my dreams and ambitions would fluctuate frequently. It would change every few weeks, leading people around me to brand me as an indecisive and fickle-minded boy. And I bought into that classification and fell back on that as an explanation every time someone pointed out a change in my goals and dreams. It was a perfect excuse, one that would come to haunt me for many years.
It was only recently that I have come to a realisation that all of my dreams can be traced and categorised into two main categories: a stable and peaceful home and a longing wanderer. Two categories that are polar opposites of each other, both finding themselves manifested through my ambitions in alternating fashion for years. I was torn, am torn, and will be torn for the foreseeable future. Torn between the desire to create a safe haven for myself and my loved ones to rest in and never be tired again, and the desire to explore the vast unknown world that I’ll never have the opportunity to fully experience in my short lifetime.
Every so often it hits me and it rests heavily in my heart, an agonising pain that brings me to tears upon coming to the conclusion that I can never be both in my lifetime. Each time I tell myself that a compromise will be what’s best but yet I can never accept that as it pains me to know that I have not put in my all in pursuing what my heart, soul, and mind desire, constantly having to manage both sides equally. I’m convinced it is both a wonderful blessing and a cruel curse that has been inflicted on me likely by myself, to figure out what I desire out of this life but torn between two of polar opposite natures.
I know, despite everything that goes on in my life, I will never lose sight of my dreams. I accept with a heavy heart the duality that resides in me and I have sought to make the necessary preparations to release myself from this perpetual conundrum, but I still get overwhelmed and succumb to it each time it arrives, ridding me of joy and plunging me into a deep, dark hole of despair.
Perhaps I’ll never find the answers to my ailment and it’ll plague me for the rest of my life, but today I’ve come to realise that it’s okay to have to give up one for the other. That I have to accept that I may never be able to do it all and then maybe I’ll be able to find peace in what I have and can do. It’s still a long way to go, but I sense that I may have taken the first step today on the journey towards content and peace within myself.
#21 — tout va bien se passer.
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