Virtue Signaling on a Budget

Look like Whole Foods, spend like Walmart. It’s crunchy posturing the whole family can afford!

Want to look like a Whole Foods family while living on a Walmart budget?

Lots of people think that virtue-signaling is only for wealthy, young hipsters who can afford things like electric cars and those re-usable grocery bags that the rest of us shuffle past guiltily in the grocery store check-out.

Too much?

But believe it or not, I’ve found that our family has been following all kinds of eco-friendly, politically correct doctrines without even trying simply by being complete and utter cheapskates. Here are three ways to be the most insufferably virtuous kid on the block and save a bundle doing it.

1. Use cloth diapers

Next time your mom-friend starts in with how she uses Seventh Generation™ organic diapers, leave her in the dust by sharing how your little angel’s hiney has never, not even once, felt the polluting influence of paper diapers because she only wears cloth diapers made of breathable, ethically-sourced cotton. Make sure to talk a lot about the sky-scraper-sized poo-piles of non-biodegradable disposable diapers that are burning a hole in the ozone layer faster than a newborn can soil a fresh burp cloth.

Also share lots of articles on Facebook about how disposable diapers cause rashes, cancer, extra limbs, and male infertility (on second thought, don’t mention the infertility bit — the Neo-Malthusians might start to get ideas).

Don’t mention that the real reason you’re going “cloth-mando” is because you just bought a lifetime supply of cloth diapers off Craigslist (for some reason, people are always trying to get rid of them . . .) for the same price as a month’s supply of Huggies.

Bonus points for buying 100% gender-neutral patterns like this one. Don’t mention you’re doing this so that you don’t have to spring for a new set if the next baby is a different sex.

2. Encourage cross-gender play

You literally cannot afford not to smash the patriarchy when it comes to your child’s playtime. Tenderly nudge your small daughter toward the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle ™ action figure, or praise your little boy for playing with the My Little Pony ™ “brush-n-braid” set. Be sure to casually document their precocious independence from society’s rigid gender structures on Instagram and Facebook.

Don’t mention that your child’s toys all came from your in-laws’ attic, where they’ve been collecting dust since the 90's, and that you’re just too cheap to buy her anything new when she’s perfectly happy playing with her father’s Matchbox car collection.

If necessary, try telling her that “Tonka” is a pretty princess who was put under an evil spell by a wicked witch.

3. Make your own baby food

When your friend pulls out some dubious “farm to squeeze pouch” goop for their kid on your next play-date, talk a lot about GMOs and BHA and BHT and whatever other alarming acronyms you can think of as you spoon hand-pureed butternut squash into your little darling’s mouth. Don’t forget to emphasize the carbon footprint of all that packaging that’s going straight to a landfill (probably right next to the Eiffel Tower of disposable diapers).

Don’t mention that deep down you just can’t even with paying $2.49 for a 3-ounce pouch of some kind of avocado/kale monstrosity that will probably end up plastered to the bottom of the car seat.

Again, this is a very Instagrammable form of virtue-signaling.

There you have it: good, old-fashioned cheap-skatery is chic, as long as it’s re-purposed as conspicuously ethical consumption.