Introducing: BeerBro Enterprises
This Is Going to Change. Your. Life.
“Can I have ten minutes of your time to tell you about an opportunity that could turn your life around?”
Stop me if you’ve heard this one, or any variation on a theme of it. Yes, pyramid sch— COUGH — I mean Multi-Level Marketing companies are so in right now. Anything you could possibly ever want to buy, you now have the opportunity to purchase, not in the cold, soulless sterility of a corporate retailer, but from the pressure — I mean COMFORT — of your own living room, from a family member or long-lost, kind-of friend from college that you haven’t spoken to in six years. Clothes. Make-up. Toilet paper. Exercise equipment. Exotic pets (although that might actually be the black market). And don’t forget all the stuff that you never even knew you needed, like this healthy vitamin powder that you can put into your water to feel like a Greek god (when combined with regular exercise and a balanced diet, of course), or oils that are somehow simultaneously “essential” and also completely unheard of.
From my completely unscientific and anecdotal personal observation, I’ve found that the field of MLM consultants skews very female. There are two reasons why, in 2017, this has to change:
- This smacks of gender stereotyping. It conjures images of demure housewives in pepto bismol skirt-suits selling tupperware out of mint-colored living rooms. We all know that we need to work towards an exactly 50% male/female equilibrium in every single career path and hobby in order to squish the patriarchy. [excuse me, my editor has just informed me that “patriarchies are smashed, not squished”]. “Equality through uniformity”, and all that.
- There is a huge demographic out there that no one as yet has been able to successfully exploit — I mean FREE FROM THE SHACKLES OF CORPORATE THRALLDOM FOR A LIFE OF MEANING AND PURPOSE — on a large scale. “Lift up your eyes and look at the fields, for they are ripe for harvest.” (John 4:35)
This is why I have decided to launch BeerBro Enterprises.
Guys, maybe it’s a tough sell getting your brother-in-law or old college roommate to sell make-up or embossed towels (or I don’t know, maybe it’s totally not). Maybe they think it’s somehow beneath their manly manliness to model stretchy-pants and one-size-fits-all, drape-y tops that can be worn 6 different ways in their living room while their friends eat cucumber sandwiches and sip mimosa that might actually just be orange juice.
But what if I told you that, through BeerBro, you and your friends could be taking advantage of the opportunity to sell hand-crafted beer sourced straight from the Himalayas to your loved ones?
Instead of being called “consultants” or “sales reps”, BeerBro sellers (male or female) will go simply be referred to as “Bro”, signifying the unity and belonging that comes with being a part of the BeerBro family. In fact, we encourage all members of our BeerBro family to refer to each other by this title: “Bro Steve”, “Bro Brad”, “Bro Jennifer”, etc.
Ideally, BeerBro products (which will include not just beer, but also very special beer-related accessories such as limited edition beer-bottle sleeves and the latest, most exclusive technology in beer bong pipes) will be sold from the fraternal warmth of a Bro’s backyard, or a Bro’s friend’s backyard. Cucumber sandwiches and carrot-sticks will be eschewed for slabs of barbecued meat, lil’ smokies, and vats of warm nacho cheese.
With the beer samples and nacho cheese (which I have twice now mis-typed “macho cheese”, tempting me to suspect a Freudian slip) flowing thick and fast, the Bro will extol the virtues of the BeerBro product, pointing out all the ways in which it is obviously superior to any beer that has been, or ever will be crafted, urging his mates to come forward and receive the outpouring of its blessings for a mere $89.99 per six-pack (plus shipping, handling and “administrative fees”).
His friends will be overcome with great surges of brotherly affection and also an unusual level of credulity. They will feel that, after enjoying the free beer samples, lil’ smokies, and the general comradery, they really ought to buy something. They will buy a six-pack or two, or, if they are especially frugal and self-disciplined, a beer bong pipe that was modeled after an ancient Himalayan design, for a mere $34.99. The orgy of brotherly love will conclude with the Bro tearfully thanking his friends for supporting his business.
A few weeks later, the Bro’s friends will get a call from him, in which he will beg them for a moment of their time so he can tell them about how BeerBro has changed his life. He will offer his friend the opportunity to have his life changed, too. He will explain how BeerBro has given him his life back, enabling him to make an undisclosed amount of money that is definitely a lot more than he would make working at his old job, while setting his own hours and working exactly as much as he feels like.
His friend will remember how he was just wondering how he was going to pay for three cases of BeerBro Beer and one limited-edition “Abominable Snowman” beer sleeve. Chafing at the bondage of the corporate rat-race and the cheerless prospect of actually living by a budget, he will feel hopes and dreams welling up inside of him: pictures of him, driving a BeerBro-issued camouflage Ford F-150 and working from a beach in Tahiti. And the best part of all: being a Bro means that you automatically get a 30% Bro discount on all BeerBro products.
And so, a new Bro is born. Soon he will discover two things:
- It’s very hard to get people to buy BeerBro products more than once.
- He is his own best customer.
His mentor assures him there is nothing to worry about. All he needs to do is share this amazing opportunity with ten of his friends (hopefully by this point he still has ten friends who aren’t Bros), and he will achieve Big Bro status, which includes the privilege of getting a 5% cut on all of his Little Bros’ inventory purchases.
Relief will flood the new Bro like a wave of warm nacho cheese, and soon he, too, will be on the phone telling all his friends about all the wonderful things that BeerBro Enterprises has wrought in his life. Soon he, too, will be posting several pictures a day on Facebook with a casually-placed BeerBro product in the foreground, skillfully edited with the “nostalgia” filter and hash-tagged #SoBlessed. He will definitely not be desperately self-flagellating for not having enough “hustle” to make it to the big leagues, or sitting on his bathroom floor chanting about “faking it til you make it”. He will definitely not be taking out loans to buy more inventory so that he can offer more selection than Bro Ted, whose Facebook profile clearly shows that he must be doing something right (although doesn’t the jungle gym in the background of his “Hawaiian vacation” picture look vaguely familiar?).
Which brings me to the point: can I tell you about how BeerBro can turn your life around?
Interested in becoming a Bro? Click the green heart below to let me know. I’ll be contacting you shortly.
