Shaking Off the Work at Home Mom Guilt
I’ve been writing online for 6 years now and if I’ve learned anything (which I have, actually, quite a lot) it’s to “never say never”. Working multiple jobs IRL has taught me never to say no to an opportunity, never shut the door tight on an offer, and always keep multiple irons on the fire. So when I say I’m scaling back my online writing presence I do so with a few caveats: One, it isn’t forever and two, contrary to popular belief the people in your life, especially your kids, need to count as irons on your fire when you’re a mom.
Based on my first son’s arrival I might be saying hello to my second son in a mere 10 weeks. That’s less than 3 full months. Slogging through this pregnancy with a toddler in tow has proven to me that I can handle a whole lot more than my pre-kid self ever thought I could. But, I also continue to be greatly humbled by my limitations. I simply don’t have the brain space to commit to the kind of copious research and careful analysis I once published. If I want to do it right I need the time to devote to doing it right. If Chip and Jo can admit they need to scale back at work to have a fifth kid, I’m perfectly fine admitting I need to scale back to have a second.
When I first made the decision to be a stay at home mom I did so in part knowing I’d still be working as a freelance writer. As a result I pressured myself to keep writing when I didn’t have the time or energy to do so, because I felt compelled to produce. When you spend over a decade hustling to pay the bills you don’t switch into full time mommy-mode overnight. In fact, the presence of a new mouth in the household often inspires you to push yourself even harder, even longer to make sure you’re doing your part.
Fortunately, I’d settled on motherhood as steady writing topic. It was in the studying of motherhood that I came to the realization that we as a culture do not value all the things mothers do without pay. In fact, we value caregiving so little that most mothers can’t wait to get back to work. Recently a woman in my prenatal yoga class remarked, “Oh, I’d rather still answer my emails from home — as long as I can be at home during my maternity leave.” She and many women like her can’t even see that they’re opting to perform what constitutes paid work on an unpaid leave. It simply goes unsaid that devoting time specifically designed for mother-child bonding to paid labor, even if that labor is temporarily unpaid, is expected. That is how brainwashed women have become in the post-women’s liberation career age.
Over time I’ve cut back on my social media usage, often uninstalling apps from my phone so as not to be distracted during my time with my son. When you’re a freelance writer who uses social media to pick up on stories to write about and you basically cut yourself off from social media, you’re essentially cutting yourself off from paid work. Thus began my journey into valuing my time as a mother over my time as a writer, regardless of the presence of a paycheck or lack thereof. I became very selective in choosing what stories I would cover, aiming for topics that would permit quick and easy research from my desk during the limited hours he slept and I was awake. When my son ceased napping I ceased writing during the day, moving my working hours to evenings after bedtime or mornings before he wakes.
In prioritizing motherhood I also, ironically, prioritized my writing. Focused time, however limited, meant attention could be paid to producing quality work. If you’re a freelance writer on the internet chances are you’ve been taught to value quantity over quality. Such is the irony of today’s free media. And such is the irony in my re-evaluation of caregiving; realizing how much giving a damn is truly worth makes you realize how important it is to give a damn about what you produce, whether anyone else likes it or not.
So, with the impending birth of my second son I’ve settled on the inevitability of scaling back on my writing even further for the time being. I simply cannot raise quality tiny humans and produce quality prose at the same time, all the time. Yet, I’ve known I am a writer as long as I’ve known I wanted to be a mother. As one of the best Dawes songs goes, “stories don’t end.” The writing will continue. In a new form, or a new fashion; perhaps at a new publication or two. But, the writing will always be there.
What won’t be there is the guilt; the belief that I’m not doing my job unless I’m getting paid for it; the wasting of time on topics I’d rather not cover just to get paid; the valuation of time as money instead of time as a unit by which we mark the traveling of the human soul from this destination to the next. I want to watch my little souls grow. I wouldn’t mind giving my own soul a stretch or two. That is, after all, the stuff worth writing about.
