When Do I Give My Kid a Phone?

Advice from a mom in children’s ministry

By Deanna Lawson

My world typically revolves around the lives of our three daughters, their schools, friends, and activities. As I live and move in those circles, getting to know parents, teachers, coaches, etc., I get asked similar questions once people find out what I do for a living, which is running the children’s ministry at a large church. Some of these questions are faith related and some are not, but typically my answer to them is something like, “I really struggle with that question myself.” The Bible doesn’t give us clear insight about phones.

Of the many questions parents ask about technology, I have heard this one often lately:

“When do I give my child a phone, and how do I help them win with it?”

That question usually comes from the parents around my 5th grader. As the parent of two teenagers, I tend to hear this one:

“I’ve given my child their phone and it’s not going well . . . what do I do?”

While I can’t offer an answer for every scenario, I can offer some words of experience about your child and their first phone. I have learned from my mistakes, so some of these I have done, and others I wished I had done from the beginning.

1. IT’S NOT “IF,” IT’S “WHEN.”

Sooner or later, our children will grow up and make decisions for themselves. In this world, I’m 99.999% sure that one of the decisions they’ll make is to have a phone. So, here’s my answer: Yes, they should have a phone. But there’s much more to talk about than when they should get it.

The answer to that question varies depending on the child. As a general rule, they shouldn’t get it before they’re ready to handle it well most of the time, and they should get it soon enough so that they have no time to “train” on it before they’re completely on their own. For most kids, that’s somewhere between the beginning of 6th grade and the end of 8th. For those of you who think that’s too early, keep reading. For those of you who think that’s too late, keep reading.

2. IT’S NOT “BAD,” IT’S “POWERFUL.”

Parents are afraid of phones. The devices bring so many concerns we did not face as children and the idea of losing control of our children’s inputs looms over us. I don’t think we should fear phones, but I do think we should respect the power of the phone. Like a car, a phone is a powerful force. A powerful force can be used for great things and terrible things.

We should introduce phones the way we introduce cars — after a long and slowly building training process. Most parents I talk to simply hand their kids an unfiltered and unmonitored phone assuming it’s going to work out. It doesn’t. Ever. (That may be an exaggerated conclusion, but not in my personal experience with my kids and other people’s kids.) We would never hand over car keys to our child without a strategy that included discussion, months of monitored training, rules of operation, and real-time teaching. Today’s phones need a similar approach.

3. IT’S NOT A “PHONE,” IT’S AN “EVERYTHING.”

One thing that my husband reminds me of constantly is that it’s not just a phone.

It it is a phone for calling. PLUS:

• You can text on it. Words, pictures, and videos.
• You can video call on it.
• You can search the internet.
• You can have a social media account . . . or many social media accounts.
• You can be tracked.
• You can download apps.
• You can listen to music.
• You can watch cable networks.
• You can play video games.
• You can take photos and make movies.
• You can do most anything with it because “there’s an app for that.”

I often wish it were just a phone. But, it’s not. The thing to remember is that there’s a difference between what a phone can do and what our kids can handle at any given time. It makes total sense, and it is possible, to limit what a phone can do for a season as your child wades into the world of portable technology. Some companies can help. Mobile carriers have various safety settings for time and content. Manufactures like Nokia have older versions of smart phones available. They still have texting and games, but with fewer options and old formats, which allows your child a learning curve. This can take some time, but it’s worth it.

4. TRAIN THEM ON YOUR OLD PHONE

I’m a big believer that we should start this process with clarity. I have failed this one in the past, and have learned the hard way. When the first phone is a gift, it is easy for them to assume that it’s their phone. Instead, either get a dumber smart phone like the Nokia mentioned above, or make their first phone a hand me down. This clears up so many future arguments, especially if someone isn’t using your phone well and you take it back. I don’t let my kids use anything of mine if they don’t take proper care of it, and phone care is part of the training process. Another plus, if it’s your old phone, you already know how to use it.

5. CONSIDER TECH AGREEMENTS

We have used phone agreements with our kids in the past, but more as guide for discussion. (We are the family that loses the agreement as opposed to posting it in a prominent location.) Still, I know of other families who have used agreements with great success. Here is a sample agreement, if you’re interested.

Using a cellphone properly has a learning curve. It did for us when the technology was completely new, of course it would for our kids as well. Which brings me to my last tidbit of advice: kids will learn most by your example. Model the good habits you expect them to have. Like in all other things, they are watching you.