Biden and Trump Go Grocery Shopping Together

Shôn Ellerton, September 3, 2021
Biden and Trump have a friendly chat at the grocery shop.

Biden and Trump just so happen to bump into each other at the local grocery shop.

TRUMP: Hey! Joe! Over here!

BIDEN: Hey man, what’s up? Jill decided I needed to get a little exercise, so I’m doing this week’s groceries. I’m surprised to see you here. You don’t seem the kind to do his own groceries.

TRUMP: Now just wait a minute. I know I’ve done a lot of tremendous things in my time, but I like to get out now and again. Besides, there’s a lot of talent in here. I mean, look over there…

BIDEN: Aw, come on, Donald, she’s young enough to be your granddaughter!

TRUMP: reflects. Eh… maybe you’re right!

They both cart around in the vegetables section.

BIDEN: Ah! Fresh vegetables! Carrots, lettuce, spinach, bok choi. Got to keep the ole’ ticker going!

TRUMP: Nah! I’m more of a meat and potatoes sort of guy!

BIDEN: I can see that. Vegetables are good for you. Gotta lose that paunch there, sunshine!

TRUMP: Rabbit food! Hey, watch where you’re going. You’ve tipped over the cashew stand! Let me help you up.

BIDEN: Thanks, man.

They both stop at the onion and carrot display. Trump scratches his head.

TRUMP: Hey. I’ve gotta confess. We’ve had the public fooled, haven’t we?

BIDEN: Damned right we have. It’s been kind of frustrating being in government so long and trying to get that presidency.

TRUMP: I know how you must feel about that. That would really frustrate the hell out of me. Truth is. I don’t know how I really got in. I don’t know much about politics to be honest.

BIDEN: Ah, that’s ok. I’ve forgotten a lot about it myself. By the way, I noticed you left your seventy-inch TV back at the Oval Office. Had to clean it up. Kind of greasy. What were you eating?

TRUMP: I was eating some Twinkies while watching the game.

BIDEN: Dude, you’ve got to steer away from them. They’re really bad for you.

TRUMP: Funny you should say that. Mike came in now and again and said that I better buckle up on my health. But at least I didn’t have a fly on my head!

BIDEN: Oh, man. That was so funny!

TRUMP: Hey. No hard feelings on that first one. I don’t know what they gave me for breakfast. That coffee made me so…

BIDEN and TRUMP together: Fill it to the rim…. With Brim! [from a US coffee commercial during the 80s]

Both laugh. They start to walk towards the milk and cheese aisle.

BIDEN: You’re not buying any fruit and vegetables?

TRUMP: Nah. But you haven’t put anything in your cart either.

BIDEN: Oh…

Trump nods disapprovingly while Biden goes back to put some vegetables in his cart. Meanwhile, Trump whips out his phone and starts sending messages out on Telegram.

Biden returns

BIDEN: Now what are you Tweeting? Oh yeah.. I forgot. You’ve been banned! Hah!

TRUMP: Yeah, yeah. You can brag. Did you know that Telegram and Signal are the next best things? I can say whatever I want.

BIDEN: And you’re pretty good at that! Man, we’ve had some fun times. That Keith Olbermann guy. Remember him? He was crazy fired up and said that you should be sent to the electric chair for every death, or something like that?

TRUMP: He’s kind of funny. I was thinking of getting him on my public relations side… Joke. I was so shocked…

BIDEN: Ah! Now that is funny. Shocked. Didn’t know you can do a pun or two. Just been to England. They’re good at them there.

TRUMP: So, I hear. Got some good golf courses there.

BIDEN: You probably own all of them.

Biden sighs

TRUMP: Why are you going for the skimmed milk? Need a little fat around you, Joe!

BIDEN: What’s with that gallon of cream in your cart? Plannin’ on drinking that straight?

TRUMP: You only live once, but, I’m immortal. Yeah, this crystal guy told me I’d live to be a very long time. Tremendously long time.

BIDEN: hmmm

They move to the bread and cereal aisle.

TRUMP: Hey. We’ve made a few booboos in our time, haven’t we? I mean, what was I thinking? I was just trying to put on a face and make it all theatrical and so.

BIDEN: That you did! Although I’m not particularly happy about Afghanistan. I got the sequence all messed up. Jill kept saying. Joe! Remember, people and equipment out before leaving the place. Now repeat several times. But I guess I kind of forgot.

TRUMP: Whoopsie! Hey, at least you took the keys out of the helicopters. Those Taliban guys will never find ‘em!

BIDEN: Oh, yeah! So, it’s ok then?

TRUMP: Well… Hey!

Trump picks up a loaf of Wonder bread

TRUMP: Wonder bread! I love this stuff.

BIDEN: You are kidding, right? That stuff is crap. Get some of this nice wholewheat stuff.

Biden shoves a wholewheat loaf of bread into Trump’s cart while snatching the Wonder bread out of his hands.

TRUMP: But…

BIDEN: You need the fibre, man!

TRUMP: Did you just let rip, Joe? It’s all that fibre and fava beans you’ve been putting in your cart.

BIDEN: Better out than in!

TRUMP: Hey. Where’s. I can never pronounce her name. Kam…

BIDEN: Kamala? Kamala. I can’t remember either! Yeah, she’s well.. Not really sure where she is to be honest.

TRUMP: She’s quite a feisty one I gotta say.

BIDEN: She often walks around the White House to get some exercise. I do too, but I never venture too far. I got lost so many times and I had to get someone to rescue me.

TRUMP: Oh? You didn’t…

BIDEN: Come across that little shrine of yours in the basement? The one with a picture of Ronnie and a dish of jellybeans in a bowl? Yep. Sure did. I was wondering about that.

TRUMP: Well. Keep quiet about it, Joe. Ah. You left your cart behind at the milk stand.

BIDEN: No, I didn’t! It’s just in your imagination. It’s just an idea!

TRUMP: Now where have I heard that before!?

Both laugh

Biden fetches cart and returns

BIDEN: Hey. Sometimes I gotta wonder about Anthony?

TRUMP: Anthony?

BIDEN: You know? Fauci.

TRUMP: Ah, him! What about him?

BIDEN: Well, we were out dining with friends at this little bistro down the corner. He just couldn’t make up his mind on what to eat? Kept asking everyone what he should order off the menu. And then he keeps changing his mind. So frustrating!

TRUMP: That’s our Anthony!

They both shrug their shoulders and continue to wheel past the aisle containing the sodas and confectionary.

BIDEN: No! Keep out of that aisle! Bad for you! We wouldn’t want you to keel over with a heart attack. Did you know that most diab…

TRUMP: OK! OK! I get the picture. Although I’m sure some of your fanatics would love that.

BIDEN: Now don’t be morbid, Donald. They don’t really mean that.

TRUMP: You sure? Hey! The Twinkies are on sale!

BIDEN: That very well may be, but let’s be vigilant about our health today.

They stop by the shampoo and personal hygiene counters.

TRUMP: Ah!

BIDEN: Oh God. Don’t be too long there.

TRUMP: They ran out!

BIDEN: Of what?

TRUMP: Orange hair spray. Just kidding! Actually, I’m looking for fake face tan with wrinkle remover.

BIDEN: You’re not that vain, are you?

TRUMP: Well.. No, but, I was reading this book… and ..

BIDEN: You read books? Actual books? Didn’t know you had the patience!

TRUMP: OK, wise ass. At least I don’t need that.. what do you call it?

BIDEN: Teleprompter?

TRUMP: Yeah. That’s the one. OK. OK. I don’t want to get in a fight.

Trump picks up a can of spray gel and a tube of cream along with a wide assortment of other cosmetic items.

BIDEN: Seriously? You need all that?

Trump lifts his head in defiance and turns away.

TRUMP: It’s my body!

Biden is taken aback and then takes Trump aside to a corner.

BIDEN: whispers. Hey, I got this really great idea.

TRUMP: hmmm?

BIDEN: We both got what we wanted, right? You know. Being President and all.

TRUMP: Keep talkin’.

BIDEN: Well. You know both of us have got a few weirdoes on our team, don’t we?

TRUMP: And?

BIDEN: We’ve… Got to be quiet about this, but between you and I, we’ve kind of confused everyone, haven’t we?

TRUMP: I’m not confused.

BIDEN: Come on! Admit it. Now let’s just walk out together, make up some stuff and both agree on it.

TRUMP: But what about the stuff we don’t?

BIDEN: Leave that to the state governors. Heck, they do most of the donkey work anyway!

TRUMP: I really need those Twinkies…

BIDEN: Stop it! So. Let’s devise a plan to work together from now on. That would confuse the hell out of everyone! Even me!

TRUMP: That would be tremendous.

BIDEN: Can you stop saying ‘tremendous’? Irritating.

TRUMP: Alright, man!

BIDEN: Touche (quietly)

They both proceed to the checkout.

Biden’s cart filled with fresh produce, milk, bread and other typical items.

Trump’s cart contains a couple of Swann’s frozen chicken dinner pies, a few Hostess apple pies and heap of cosmetics, mostly for hair.

BIDEN: Well, dude. Until the next time!

Trump jokingly points his finger at Biden

TRUMP: Not if they impeach you first! I think I got away with it.

BIDEN: Not sure how, but….

TRUMP: I know. I know. I’m too good-looking to be impeached!

BIDEN: Alright, Donald. We’ll pick this up another day. Come on over to the ‘house’ and then help me find my vice president!

TRUMP: Sure thing! I’ll bring the Twinkies! And by the way, Joe, you left your cart behind again!

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