WHY I BELIEVE IN THE MAGIC CAT (and you should too)

MAGIC CAT APOLOGIST: I am not ashamed to say it… I believe in the Magic Cat!

SKEPTIC: What do you mean?

MAGIC CAT APOLOGIST: I believe He existed and still lives today and I base my life on His teachings. He has saved me because I believe in Him.

SKEPTIC: Saved you from what?

MAGIC CAT APOLOGIST: From living in a filthy litter box for all eternity, with no way to get out.

SKEPTIC: That sounds horrible. I hate the smell of a litter box!

MAGIC CAT APOLOGIST: I know, right?!

SKEPTIC: But how do you know such a place exists?

MAGIC CAT APOLOGIST: It says so right in the Holy Feline Manual. Also, people who have been close to death have come back and told of how they heard people gagging and vomiting. And it NEVER. ENDS.

SKEPTIC: But how do you know the Holy Feline Manual is true?

MAGIC CAT APOLOGIST: Are you serious right now?? It’s the best selling book of all time. AND, it says right in the Holy Feline Manual that it is the very Word of the Magic Cat! It is alive and powerful. And it has never been proven wrong.

SKEPTIC: I don’t know… I heard there’s a lot of far-fetched stuff in there, like that the Magic Cat created everything the way it is right now in one hour, about six weeks ago. I mean I’ve been alive longer than that myself. And there’s a massive amount of scientific evidence showing that this is just not true.

MAGIC CAT APOLOGIST: Well, there is some debate among Magic Cat believers as to what the Manual actually meant by six weeks. For example, it may have been referring to Cat-hours. The Magic Cat does not use the same time system that we do. Also, the Magic Cat may have created everything to appear like it had taken billions of years to evolve, just to test our faith. And you can’t really trust scientists anyway. They are under the spell of the Evil Dog, who is doing everything possible to undermine belief in the Magic Cat. In their hearts the scientists reject the Magic Cat because if they believed in him then they would have to become accountable for their actions… and they hate that because they are all scumbags.

SKEPTIC: I know a few scientists and they seem like decent people trying to discover truth about the world.

MAGIC CAT APOLOGIST: Oh…… you must not know about original dander. You see, long, long ago in a special catnip garden the Magic Cat put a man and a woman. And everything there was awesome! They could do whatever they wanted and there was no sickness or death or pain. It was paradise! He only gave them one small rule… “Please don’t eat from the bowl of Meow Mix at the center of the garden!” Well, wouldn’t you know it, people being people, they were just dying to find out what Meow Mix taste like. So the woman said to the man, “Hey, this stuff looks pretty good!” And the Evil Dog was there coaxing her on (although he disguised himself to look like a gerbil). So the man said, “OK, whatever. Just leave me alone so I can finish watching the game.” (The Magic Cat had invented football right at the very beginning of time, proven by the fact that most of his followers, even today, spend every Weekly Magic Cat day watching it.) Anyways… back to the story. They ate the Meow Mix and found out that it was delicious! But then they opened their eyes and saw that they were completely covered in dander, and no matter what they tried to do they couldn’t get the dang stuff off, and it got on their couch and suit coats and believe it or not, when their kids were born it was all over them too, and their kids, and their kids, etc., etc., even though they had never disobeyed the Magic Cat. So….. that’s why we need saved. If we don’t get that annoying dander off us we will never be able to spend eternity with the Magic Cat in his catnip infused, all-inclusive resort, telling him how great he is, and floating on clouds and stuff. In fact, we’ll be in that smelly litter box under the ground somewhere.

SKEPTIC: That’s quite a story! But I still don’t understand. How does the Magic Cat actually save us?

MAGIC CAT APOLOGIST: This is where the story gets really good. The Magic Cat HATES dander. I mean, even if you have the tiniest microscopic bit on you he will never invite you over to watch the game. So, because he loved us, and because he doesn’t like watching the game all by himself in his huge house with a 96 inch flat screen hi-def TV, he figured out a solution. In order to get the dander off us he had to use a very special lint roller that wasn’t available unless somebody died. So, being a really nice guy and all, he came to earth by being born to a woman. So, he was half man and half Cat. Or all man and all Cat. (Frankly, we’re still trying to figure that one out.) He did all kinds of very cool miracles — even better than David Blaine — such as turning water into milk, crossing peoples’ paths, and always landing on his feet. But the most amazing thing of all was… HE HAD NO DANDER. Even though he was a man like us and a Cat! And that is why they euthanized him. But we all know that Cats have 9 lives, so he kept coming back. They tried drowning and burning and shooting and choking him and other things which are too terrible to mention in polite company. But they couldn’t keep a good Cat-man down. So he wandered around and brushed up against 500 people and then floated up to the Catnip All-inclusive Resort where he is busy building timeshares for his believers. So…. If you believe in Him he will use his special invisible Lint Roller and purify you from all dander so you can join him when you die, or when he returns. (Conditions may apply.)

SKEPTIC: Ummm… didn’t He say He was coming back soon, like before dinner?

MAGIC CAT APOLOGIST: You must not have been listening. He doesn’t use the same time system as us. It’s metric!