And then we knew what it was

“That’s not what I am looking for.” Her voice was timid and it came out almost as a sob.

“The one I want is blue — and round — round at the bottom — round at the base. It’s always there next to the red ones. The ones that are square — square at the bottom — square at the base.” The men standing with her exchanged confused looks and then back at her.

“We are sorry madame” they said. “We do not have any blue ones that are round at the bottom”

“You never have what I want. When I want the blue ones, you have the red ones. When I want the red ones, you have the round ones. It’s not fair.” I stole a glimpse of her from the corner of my eyes to confirm that she wasn’t a child because she talked like one. I liked it and the way she sounded, timid, almost like she was crying. She sounded like she needed to be protected.

“I — do — not — want — the — red — one.” The men were trying to convince her that the red ones were just as good. I knew that they weren’t and she knew too.

“I have a yellow one” I didn’t know when I spoke. In fact, I didn’t realise I had spoken till I noticed the silence. I could feel their eyes across my back, perhaps considering me and my sanity. I had been touching the baby diapers for longer than was necessary.

“They aren’t round, they are spherical, spherical at the bottom. You can have mine” I did not turn around to look at them, I am not sure why. I think that it was perhaps because of fear but I do not know what off.

“I have never tried the yellow ones before” she said after a moment had passed. She stopped the sentence abruptly and I could feel that something else lingered to be said so I waited for her to continue but she did not.

“It is not as good, but spherical is close enough to round. No?” I said after an equally long moment.

“No?” She repeated.

“It’s like a question. I am asking if you agree with me. Spherical is pretty close to round, is it not?” I still did not turn around where I stood. I pretended to shift my eyes from the diapers to the stack of beer. I always wondered why the two were placed so closely together. Her reply did not come till I started to feel that they must have left me where I was.

“I do not feel very adventurous today” She said. “I am going to come for it another time”

“Can we help you with any other thing?” the men that stood with her asked when she was done speaking, their voices startled me because I hadn’t realised that they were still standing there. She said she needed no help that they could give. They hadn’t given her any help as off yet. When I heard their footsteps move far away from the aisle where I stood was when I finally let myself breathe, a breath of relief that I had survived a whole five minutes of human interaction. I browsed through the supermarket with little direction, floating around the way a feather floated through the wind before falling to the floor. I saw her a few more times, around corners and between shelves, complaining about products that didn’t quite satisfy her the way she wanted. She did not sound angry the way other people did, she sounded like the way agbalumo tasted.

I left the supermarket with only one item in my bag, a soda I bought so it would not seem like I came for nothing, which is what I did. On some afternoons, the silence in my house became louder than I could bear so I took walks to wherever my legs led me. I often ended up at the super market. I liked it at the super market. I liked the people and the way they minded their businesses. Sometimes I talked to the people but most times I didn’t. I smiled at the children or made faces.

I did not see her standing in the way when I stepped out of the building so I bumped into her hard enough to push her to the ground. She fell quicker than I could react and even as she sat on the floor I still did not say anything, I only stared and she stared back.

“You won’t say sorry?” She asked when the line of sweat that started at my temple reached the bottom of my left cheek.

“Sorry” I said and walked past her. I heard her get up from the ground and her footsteps shuffle towards me so I walked faster until she grabbed me by the arm and yanked me with enough force that I needed to shift my weight to regain balance.

“I said I was sorry” I said.

Her mouth made as if to say something but she didn’t speak, only stared blankly at me. More sweat began to ooze from the skin of my face and palms. The moment could not have been more than a few seconds but it felt much longer to me. I had enough time to memorise all the detail of her face, the way that it was round and the way her eyes were small and where her nose was crooked and how her lips looked soft. I perceived that her perfume was made from lavender and noticed that her wrist watch did not work. My eyes had begun to wander uncomfortably low when she finally spoke.

“I think I would like to try it — the yellow one.”

“Oh” I said and said nothing more.

“You offered it to me — ”

“I don’t have it with me. I have it at home.” Only now did she let go of my arm. I saw the muscles of her face relax in the way muscles do when you resign to a situation.

“I don’t live very far away” I did not know why I said it or why I said more “You can come with me to get it.”

She agreed to come with me but with hesitation. I spent all of the silence regretting my words and wishing I knew how to control what I said. I spent the silence that followed us to my house asking myself what was happening. How had I managed to meet and convince someone to return home with me?

The silence followed us until we were a few blocks from my building when she asked if it was much farther.

“It’s just around the corner” I said. I saw that she smiled a faint smile when I replied. I thought it must have been because she noticed that her voice startled me or that surely she could hear that my heart beat faster and louder than it was supposed to. The silence left us completely when we got to my house and the sound of our footsteps going up the stairs echoed loudly against the walls. She waited for me outside when we got to the door. I went in and stood in front of the door for as long as I presumed it would take to look for something and not find it. Then I opened the door and announced with as much regret as I could muster that it was nowhere to be found. She didn’t seem as disappointed as I expected. Then the silence came back and stood with us by the door.

“Your hair is nice” she said when my eyes had wandered all the way to her legs. They had stared at her breasts and guessed their cup size, they had read the text on her shirt and they had gone around and under her thin waist. Her legs were long and the shorts she wore ensured that all of their glory was on display. Her voice abruptly brought me out of my reverie. My hair was long and spiky. It grew in a way that I could not control and I did not try to. It was the colour of dark chocolate and I spent a great amount time standing in front of the mirror wishing it was darker like hers. Her hair was the colour you saw behind shut eyes. It was relaxed and it paid heed to her command.

“Do you want to come inside?” I asked when I did not know how to tell her that I hated my hair.