Be Angry
Frown your face
A little more.
You need to look angrier than that.
That’s too angry!
Yes that’s better, that’s just angry enough, just like you are angry but not at anything in particular.
Do you have a driver’s license?
No? Don’t worry, you don’t need one.
Okay take this yellow and black striped bus.
No it looks to neat, let’s bash it up a bit
Hmm that’s much better, not too bashed, just enough that one more bash will break it up completely.
The windows look too plain, let’s smack on some Pasuma and King Sunny Ade posters.
Test that horn for me…
Just as I feared, it is normal. We are going to have to change that to something funky
Yes much better.
Okay let’s test your break lights.
Ahh! They work! We can’t have that now, let’s cut that wire. Better
You see that small lever behind the steering wheel? Yes that one, it is called the trafficator, yes break it off.
You won’t be needing that.
Give me those keys, You won’t be needing those either. This bus shall only be operated by hot wiring so gear up your electrician skills.
What is your name? Never mind it’s not important. No one will address you by it again.
Henceforth your name shall be “Driver”
Do you know basic traffic rules? Yes? Well forget everything you know, it doesn’t matter.
What will you say if someone asked you for change?
Wrong! The right answer is no, you don’t have change. Even when you have change you don’t have change, do you understand me? Good.
So I notice you speak English, you can’t do that anymore. You must speak only Yoruba.
You don’t know Yoruba, don’t worry. You need only a few phrases.
“Oloshi”, that’s what you call everybody
“Ori e ti da ru” That’s how you will greet everybody.
“Mi oni change” That means “I don’t have change, keep this one, you will need it.
Now I need to hear you shout…
Oh no that won’t do, You sound too polite.
Shout like you just found out you wife has been cheating on you and all your eleven children aren’t really yours.
See, that’s much better.
Do you support Chelsea football team? Well now you do.
Hmmmm that shirt… I don’t like, it’s neat..
Take this shabby Chelsea Jersey instead.
Now you are ready…
Wait one more thing, Go and drink this bottle of orijin and smoke this, don’t ask.
Much better.
Now while you are out there remember to be angry.
What are you angry at you ask?
Well your mates that just stand around and collect half the money you work hard for, the traffic warden that collects the other half, the working traffic lights, the people that obey the traffic lights, those damn passengers for not entering with change, okada men, men, women, yourself and the fact that you will do this over again tomorrow.
Just be angry.
Now you re Ready.
