When did you realise?

We’d been together for three years. Three years and a couple of months. On our way to four. Three years and neither of us had said it. There were, of course, times in the first year when I almost said it. The words picked at my lips, bubbling to come out. Demanding to be said. It was only some measure of discipline I did not realise I had that kept me from saying it.

‘Too early” I thought. ‘Too early to say it now, don’t want to chase her away.’’ ‘Too early to say it now, you are not Ted.’’

There were times I almost said it. Times when it was right there. The moment was right and saying it would have been appropriate, necessary even.

At my cousin’s wedding. We attended together. I, in a grey suit, her, a yellow dress. She was so beautiful that day, but when was she ever not. I don’t like weddings, I think they are too big, too crowded, too loud, too celebratory. That day, I remember looking at the stage, watching as my cousin danced with his bride, both of them smiling wildly. They looked so happy. Everyone looked so happy. Nothing spreads happiness like seeing it. I turned my head to look at her, a smile on her face, watching the couple too.

Then she caught my eyes and we stared for a moment, both smiling. I should have said it then.

***

Certain things are weird when you’ve been together for three years but haven’t said it yet.

For instance, how do you end a call? You can say bye. But everyone says bye. So you say bye in big ways —

“Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

“Talk to you soooon, like soon soon. not soon enough”

“I am just going to cut the call” but then you don’t cut the call and you both breathe till you laugh.

Saying goodbye without saying I love you feels incomplete. We both knew it, in our long unending hugs. dramatic phone silences and longing stares.

The irony was not past me. We’d spoken of just about everything else. We wanted kids. 2 for me, 4 for her. We’d be happy with 3.

We wanted a house in the suburb. The city was nice but too much. Too loud, all the time. We wanted to live close, so we could escape but could also easily return. We wanted a small wedding but we were Yoruba so wanting was all that was ever going to be.

We had harshed all the other details but this small thing. This one thing that I cannot tell you why. Were we waiting for a good moment? Was I waiting for a good moment?

***

So we’d been together for three years, on our way to four. We were happy. I was at the point where I wanted more from my career so I was applying to new places. Places outside Nigeria.

We were sitting together as we often would. She was playing candy crush, I was reading emails. This is when I saw one titled ‘Congratulations.’ It said more words of course, but I did not read them. It was a job offer, that would mean I was going to move. I laughed, then screamed then told her. She hugged me, screamed and then laughed. We drank drinks and made plans. In the weeks that came, we spoke of many other things, I got my Visa and made plans to move. Then one night we had ‘the conversation’.

What would happen? What next?

‘I don’t know how long it would take.’

‘I’d look into how long to get you to move.’

‘We’d have to get married.’

‘It will be very hard.’

‘Calls, we will call every day.’

‘Except when we can’t’

‘No exceptions. Every day won’t be a long call but we must.’

‘I will travel back during Christmas.’

‘And maybe Easter.’

‘And every chance I get.’

It was a long conversation about logistics and many other things. When we were done and seemed to have a plan, I realised something. I realised that neither of us, not even a little, had nursed the possibility of breaking up. It had not even occurred to me.

‘That was the moment I realised I was in love with her’

Or at least that’s how I tell it. In reality, I already knew but that was the moment I finally said it.

Context

I was having a conversation with my friend about long-distance relationships. She spoke of how she could never. I spoke of how I might. Spoke also of my parents who were long-distance for more than 10 years of marriage. Then I spoke of this scenario, of a conversation between a couple about how they would transition into a long-distance relationship. And I said it would be such a good place to realise you loved someone. Realise it because breaking up was never an option. Then my friend suggested I write about it.