14 years young.

no still means no.

Dear Marcus,

I was going to walk home that night, but I couldn’t walk and my brother, who usually carried me when I was drunk, had already left with some girl. I wasn’t going to get into your car, but you flashed that smile and said that you could drive me home. I wanted to stop for coffee and Advil but you just wanted to drive. I didn’t mean to pass out in the front seat and hit my head on the glove compartment. I also didn’t mean to trip up your front steps before you decided you would just carry me. I must have looked so pretty that night. I was all dressed up in my tight jeans, and my new tee shirt. I was wearing more makeup than usual…just in case there were some older people at the party. I remember my undergarments pretty well too, because they were my first Victoria’s Secret purchase. I felt so glamorous, with my pretty mixed drinks and my 100 length cigarettes. I didn’t feel glamorous when I started to throw up, though. But you didn’t seem to mind, because when I woke up, you were naked and heavy and sweating on top of me. I was crying, and in and out of consciousness. I kept telling you how much it hurt, but you kept going, insisting it always hurt when you took a girl’s virginity. I remember starting to scream no, when I realized that just saying “please get off of me” and pushing on your chest wasn’t going to help, but you took care of that too. You covered my mouth and kept right on pushing. You even had another few beers before you finally got off of me. You thought of everything, didn’t you? Everything but that fact that 13 year old girls don’t want to have sex. I didn’t want to have sex. Not yet, not like that, not until I fell in love.

I remember the morning. I woke up on the recliner near the door. I guess I had moved during the night, I couldn’t remember after passing out so many times. It was hard to find my clothes, and even harder to get my panties out from underneath you while you were still snoring. I walked to my best friend’s house, who held me and made me go to the clinic. “When you have sex you have to get a test” She had had sex once before too, when she still lived in New York, he was much older as well, and she also regretted it. But, she had consented. She had a condom, she didn’t bleed and lose lots of tissue.

I hate you, Marcus, and I always will and I think you will get yours one day. You took something from me that I didn’t even know I had.

Fuck you, animal.

*the author is currently closer to thirty than forty and this piece was written in 1995, September at the age of 14.