Three years from today

I hope that writing doesn’t feel like something so precious, and that I am so unworthy of, to be able to take more readily a dive into sharing my thoughts with the world. Rather what it had once been, somewhat of a refuge, my only friend. A trusted confidant to hold my most deepest inner thoughts and a scream into the world, and a platform as a demonstration of the faith in my being. So often I am silently ahead of the curve and completely behind with the times that life has passed me by surreptitiously. So creeping so crawling so innocently smattered with every aging line whose grooves settle in deeper than before, the aching of every joint on the digits of the finger pounding silently and rythmically on the keyboard or achingly pressed against the pen, you stare out into the world. One day you realize, life has passed you by and it started with — where did the day go? March is already half gone? We’re a quarter done with the year? We’ve hit the millennium? Whose having a 20th year reunion (Not me… yet at least… but still)? Here you’ve remained but I’ve been so ashamed I stop and start. Get back on the horse, pedal that bike, tread water, hold your breath. DON’T DROWN FOR FUCKS SAKE. I spent time contemplating this take on why life passes you by and it was so true. Yet I went into… letting life pass me by again. Telling untold secrets only to myself and being completely invisible and silent to the world.

Three years from now I hope. nope. I want. not it. I intend. not quite. I will. better. be in the midst of living my life rather than having it pass me by. Today I’m older than I was and it has great significance to me. Because I want so badly to manifest- whatever that means. How is it possible to have teenage angst in a midlife crisis? Is this what new age aging looks like? When did new age become old age? I spend my time analyzing and overanalyzing. Being indecisive and the one undercurrent of truth has always been- follow your intuition. Follow your instinct. It Never lets you down. Never say Never. Except in this instance. My intuition has proven to be 100% upon reflection and hindsight. Yet I fear and listen to others. It’s an inappropriate dissection of being town between two worlds. being a part of so many worlds. Dipping both feet in so many ponds I’m better off as an octopus or milipede. One path instead of being torn apart in different directions is to coordinate. Somehow make sense of all these disparate parts of my identity to walk in concert with one another.

I feel splayed out like a finely dissected specimen. Every tegument and ligature and striation bare resected examined stretched. And maybe it takes that for me to understand how it functions. Before everthing is sewn back together. Like frankenstein. Like a gosh darn modern day frankenstein. My path is to move forward. To jurney to find my humanity despite the mishmash of who I am fighting itself and only brought together by one common factor- the soul. I am alive. And well? Well… that’s up for discussion. I’m alive and in attention, striving for intention momentum.

Three years from now I will have my health under control. My spirit in tact. Living the life I had envisioned for myself in essence but in actual manifestation in ways I could have never imagined. Since I want not much but to take the journey we must all come to find and travel. To know myself, to know the world, and discover the purpose of their parallel crossed and intermingled coexistence.

Three years from now I can’t claim I will know what my style of voice or the way I express myself will be, but I know I will still be telling a story. And I know that right now, my entries as they are, will for the most part be unedited one shot entries, that are a stream of thought to encapsulate a moment of time, despite a growing anxiety of the ineptitude of something that lacks editing precision or analysis that is often if not always required of good proper articulation. In the art of writing story telling and communication.

I will in rare form just say thank you to myself. Thank you @Girl for writing. And pressing publish. As the days go on and you write more (and you will. you simply must), you will understand more than ever to-, quote Cinderella 2015, “Have courage and be kind.”