Childhood Trauma
And how it shapes us.
The formation of identity begins in childhood and this includes ones sense of safety, security and importance. Neglect and abuse have a profound effect on a child’s ability to form healthy relationships and can negatively influence how they see themselves and relate to others. A childhood characterised by dysfunction and abuse often leads to destructive behaviours and poor decision making.
My childhood was defined by emotional and psychological abuse from the people whose job is was to protect me. It set the scene for a lifetime of poor choices in men and an inability to realise that I had a choice in the way I was treated. I have spent my lifetime in and out of relationships with narcissistic and abusive men. Men who were emotionally unavailable or appeared to be wounded in some way were also on my radar.
It wasn’t until I started going to therapy that I became aware of just how embedded my trauma was in every part of my life. I began to take notice of the types of people I was drawn too; not just men but friendships too. I subconsciously formed relationships that were familiar to what I had experienced growing up. I had a definite ‘type’ when it came to men. Most had issues with alcohol, fidelity and emotional unavailability, and they often came from abusive or dysfunctional families.
I also learnt why I stayed so long with men who treated me badly. I projected my abandonment issues onto them and this prevented me from ending any relationship when I should have because I saw it as abandoning them when they needed me.
Eyes Wide Open
I was amazed at the patterns I could now see that occurred throughout my life and could be traced back to my childhood. I’m sure my parents did the best they could but their best just wasn’t good enough. Everyone can learn from their past to ensure their children are not raised with the same issues they faced as children. Both of my parents experienced neglect and abuse as children and they repeated a lot of the same behaviours with their own children.
My childhood influenced my poor choices in men and the way I allowed myself to be treated. Despite this however, it did give me the determination to be a better parent than mine had been and to always put the needs of my children before my own. I made sure I gave my children love, attention and affection. They have grown up knowing they are the most important people in my life.
My childhood taught me how to persevere through heartbreaking events that are scattered throughout my life. Many times I just wanted to curl up and die but I would never leave my children without their mother, their protector, and the one person they can always count on.
I’m not perfect by any means as a parent and continue to struggle with abandonment issues, depression and anxiety. I’ve made mistakes but have enough insight to learn from those mistakes and change my behaviours.
I never use my childhood to condone any poor choices I have made in my life. It does however, explain why I feel and behave in certain ways and I use the experiences to be a better person, and a better parent. I’m continually learning about myself and finding new ways to further heal from my past.
