111. and 112. Feeling Used And Hispanic People
Trigger warning: I write this for me but also obviously for healing from a wider world composed of people who hurt me. So I talk about briefly my experience with sexual abuse in 112. No Q, no Mike, no Slim, or Daron.
Today will be quick on this schedule. Let us get to this quickly.
Only two. I didn’t get sleep yesterday. I’ve been decent about waking up to the alarm though and am doing a challenge that you email the person by waking up before 6am. It doesn’t matter though because I’m too tired to do anything if I don’t sleep. So I curl up on this bed and then go to the computer and then curl up and sleep for 10 minutes. It’s bad.
So I can only work through two right now because I’m so tired.
111. Used, I Felt Used, Everything
I felt used when one of my father’s students asked me for help with the Gates Millennium Scholarship application. I read over her work and then helped write some of it. She got the award I think but she didn’t thank me. And that’s how I felt with my father. He helped me years before by helping me get a book from a pop-up book shop about how to apply to scholarships to get money.
The young girl was pretentious and alluded to my age in a way that a disingenous younger person can do. Some are not like this but a lot of us are like this when kids so whatever.
Still, it makes me see to make amends for myself. No I’m not going to help another Black girl unless I connect with her. I don’t do “group representative”. I do the one who chooses me and the one who my spirit chooses. Sorry. We all use people to get what we want, including younger and older people. And we’re not all matches to be honest. The assumption of otherwise is a mistake and dehumanizing. I am not every Black girl or woman, and she is not me. So hell no!
I’m not doing that. Pick up on the user spirit and keep it moving. And reciprocate in my life so I do not use others anymore either. I had and have this habit as well. It is not good and feels gross when others do to you. Do the right apologies.
And to think that you know my father taught me a science lesson about my body that amounted to sexual abuse, not as bad as others I guess. But he let me know my breasts were buds as he touched them, a lesson. Gross, right? But like, there are a lot of fathers and stepfathers who do things like this and worse. I’m not alone with this…cultures are very taboo about this and girls (and boys actually too…) just stay silent for generations…
Anyway, it feels gross again, like he passed me off to his student, you know. Like an intellectual prostitute to use. That’s basically what it was. He used me. And this young girl used me too. So that is enough. I am telling my story now. When you are invisible, this is what happens. His story exists, and my mother’s and I’s does not, just not yet hopefully.
112. Hispanic People — No
You know, after the politicians called the little boy a monkey — and I like monkeys. As if they don’t look like monkeys, unevolved losers. The White Latinas and Latinos of America. I just don’t really eff with the Hispanic group because I know it hates me by default of being Black.
I see that you benefit from Black gains in America but never in the countries if you have immigrated from a Spanish-speaking country, we know how the dark-skinned people are treated.
So no, I’m not playing this with you either. If you are a Hispanic invididual who observes this, I can engage with individuals and have had people be nice especially in my times of need, like being late on rent, seriously, seriously. Beyond kind to me. Group wise though, the racism toward me is pretty bad, or implied. I can pick up on the room.
I’m trying to figure out where I stand with Black people but I feel the same about everyone. When you are a Black woman, I think I’ve come to the conclusion that you don’t have a home. For me. I speak only for me.
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Hi. Thanks for reading and seeing my story. And those connected to it. I have a newsletter about my journey. If interested in being a part, I invite you to SIGN UP. I will try to keep things angled to you, too, a reciprocal type of vibe.
