a day of mourning for me

I was so sad today on Father’s Day because we do not have the dad that we deserve. My father is not the father he deserves to be. How does this cycle heal?

This is called a mourning cloak, this butterfly. I can’t help but be sad and shed a tear or two. Image courtesy of Pixabay

I want to write this quickly. And delve further into it another day. Today was a day of mourning for me.

I mourned the dad I will never have.

I called my father after many years and after many emails that didn’t feel right. And I have to just say that yes, today is sad because I know that I will never have the father that I deserve. Or the support I deserve. My siblings deserve.

And that this has affected my older sister, who experienced this twice. And older brother, who experienced this twice, too.

So I am not different I know…because he is my lineage, this story untold, the blank spaces I feel in the pain…how does one overcome? I don’t know.

I wish I could say more but I don’t have the words really. It was cathartic to talk to him and tell him how much he disappointed me. How disappointed I was in him. Just one of the things I said in a gentle way I think. I have a similar voice as him I think, after hearing it again after many years.

Now as I blog and go back through time, this will help me to develop the things to say when I speak with him again. Does he know I did AP and Honors classes in high school? Does he know what I majored in in college? Why he never reached out to me or my older sister to mend things with harming us, this abuse he inflicted on us. Why he never sent condolences to me for my mom’s death, and said only to my sister. And tried to deflect when I said that he was a part of the stress that caused her sickness.

More questions.

So it is good because as I rewrite for illumination, I just ask that the truth is revealed and set free. And that I no longer judge what is, that I ask for guidance in how to find the love I didn’t really know from my father. And tell the story he maybe never told and free the shame from our lineage…

And hope I can piece something together for me and my siblings despite this. And find the truth and not be ashamed to say it.

I told him how he helped me a lot and so it is confusing to say how much he hurt me. But I know my inner guide is right.

And today I went to a modeling thing where my mouth is where I hold tension when I walk, I was told and feel, actually. It is a nervous thing. I have to figure out how to take better care of my hair and start to come up with a look. My hair didn’t look so great, to be kind to myself. They liked my walk though.

Let me go ahead and text my younger siblings about today and get going.

Last thing, I also see how two people of the same age, two different races and even different genders, different regions, and difficult circumstances for each, I see how privilege can still play out. Which does add to the generational empathy for my father — still the truth is here before my eyes to interpret like a hieroglyph.

I needed to write this fast. And continue to face everything.