A Memo To My Self.
Before starting this morning.
I want to blog this really quickly before starting my morning. I have to respond to my sister’s text message. And then an email for a modeling show in the fall that they are okay with me doing at my big age. And I watched a video last night about an actress I remember as a kid named Trina McGee in the show “Boy Meets World”. She is still beautiful decades later and was so pretty in the show I remember. She is 54 and having a baby.
So I still am learning about my girl self and all stages, from pre-period to periods to menopause, so I know that her pregnancy at 54 is seemingly miraculous, but honestly, also I do not know as much about the girl/woman body as I should. Still, I know that modern science would consider it miraculous since a girl/woman stops ovulating during this time due to the onset of menopause which is around late 40s to early 50s age range. Still, modern science helps and hurts in many ways, knows and simultaneously doesn’t know. Especially with a Black person who it isn’t mirrored after. Especially with a Black girl/woman who it doubly isn’t mirrored after and actually has worked to exclude and harm, girls and boys, historically. “Modernly”.
Congratulations to her.
It makes me think of how I am 38 (actually, about to be…I forgot) and how I am seen by society maybe as someone who should have children and a husband or something. And I don’t know if I feel bad about this or not. I actually don’t care. As a baby sea turtle, I just am glad to be barely making it to the sea. I was almost snatched up by several seagulls so I’m still recovering from this all.
So there is a lot that I could write here at the moment and honestly I just want to use it as a tool for my Max Capacity. So let me just do a few bullet points of what I have to get going today:
- Finish my schedule and start to map out what a dance program in Denver would look like
- Cancer research to see what the next step is → I started with adjusting my diet but this week isn’t so great because I didn’t prepare meals in advance this week. I’m still figuring this out and also left the meal I had at the place where I have rented a room. I don’t know where I could have put my baked omelets. So I will eat chips again today. I think this will take me some time to coordinate everything to support my other sister. I am doing my best, but it needs to be to the point where I am her, where I am her exact as close as possible match for healing.
- Community: Keep building this. This means probably sending out a newsletter today. And continuing to reach out to people on my list to reach out to.
- Organize what the next blog posts will be and keep going with this until you break even with your experiences and story…
These are the basics. My thoughts are more rich than my blogging at the moment. I can’t think of what else to say. You know, yesterday after class, I was disappointed because I see all of the places where I am not strong. And I have to dance with people who have had extreme privilege in life, and I am just now digging into the well of my existence to accept it and build from there. Is there hope for me?
Let me get going now. I need to go ahead and answer this text and then the email before starting this morning. I didn’t talk about my financial status and being behind on taxes. Or other things too. That like my father, I have a max capacity as well. Will my Mario coins be one or many? I have decided that at this point, I can only take one step forward and see when they end. At this point, I will not force anything on myself that I do not have the capacity to do. Max capacity.
I need to get going.
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