Damn, 5 Minutes — I Just Write And Release
Being called the n-word today. Nigger, ew. Ouch. Like one millimeter below my skin ouch which is plenty. And next five points on the writing schedule.
I just need to write all of these things out and move on today.
So I have no emotion attached to writing other than my soul on the page emotion that it always is. Like necessity, so emotion by default.
I was called the n-word today.
A person who was on drugs and looked nasty, and weird facial hair that looked like it was also growing facial hair, like maybe he could have had rabies, got too close to me and asked, “Do you have money?”
Something like this.
I said, “No” and stepped away.
He was too close to me. Uncomfortable how close he got to me and invaded my personal space.
Then, thank goodness I had ear buds in and was listening to music, a song called “Goonies Are Good Enough” by Cyndi Lauper. You know, I was listening to this, and I heard some of the words. I kind of heard over the music and saw him mouth in automatic anger, “Fuck you, nigger!”
This nasty looking, doesn’t have money White male. Who looked like he probably beat and raped girls or women too to be honest.
Like a nasty specimen that was let out of the cage.
Not like an animal.
Animals are more civilized than this specimen.
So the good thing is that it didn’t hurt until later. Now it doesn’t hurt. It stings though. Because I’d never been called this word. And I’ve already been racially profiled here. It’s been a hard 15 months for me here. Too much really.
So I tweeted about it and asked a question about it in a writer’s group I’m in on Slack, one of two.
Like his pants were sagging. He was not present. And the white people behind me who I’d asked if he’d said the n-word to me, one said, “Yes. Don’t do drugs.” I just looked and thought no, you know someone who doesn’t do drugs that says that too. He could be your wayward child or nephew.
A low brow White person is a high brow White person.
Anyway, let’s get to the point today. This is what I have. Lack of safety and protection. And it’s just a lot for me. I just want to disappear. And yesterday, I realized that I will remove myself from a place where a person starts to discuss grievances about others. I live in a glass house as a Black girl. Separate to be able to continue to be positive toward everyone otherwise I’m energetically sensitive and feel bad, even if it’s personal-experience based.
Anyway, let’s start. Fuck him. That stupid ugly — literally, he was ugly too. It’s like I am pretty and he invaded my space with his lackluster appearance too. A druggie incel asking a girl/woman for money. Like grow a pair, non musty I mean.
Anyway.
That was wrong, but he was disgusting.
The point. Here I want to do this quickly and write out what to do tonight. It’s already 10pm. So let me write about these things quickly and “Move On”, as Simi would say. A singer/songwriter I like these days.
106. How To Be My Whole Self When There’s No Impetus
I don’t know. I pray I bring everything including this experience with me forward. It’s what is so difficult. When you are marginalized and don’t have assimilating capabilities…it is in my best interest to keep myself because my difference is too vast. I don’t have anything that allows for assimilation and it’s actually a plus for me…my story I think. Still, it’s hard because of how it is so, on every level, a fuck you bitch. Right? I see you.
107. When Not Comfortable With People
Oh well. I happen to be human in this life but my experiences make me immune to many humans and human interaction. I don’t know if I’m okay with that, but at this point, I realize that only the right ones will find me and I will find them. We are on each other’s radar and are looking for the GPS now. Let it be that the water is clean rather than toxic and polluted, that I am water, and attract water at my level, but a good level.
108. How To Address Grief
To add insult to injury, I’m going to respect privacy with this story. I’ll only say this, I want to use this experience to have empathy for the person I interated with and to have empathy for others who lose a loved one. I think I have to know my unconscious bias toward dehumanizing other Black women because I hve been treated like nothing, I will do the same to others, and that also means withold empathy and a have a kneejerk reaction to have “empathy” for a White girl or boy in pain.
So I say this to say that a bum experience I had, in also feeling inferior within it, that I hope that it gives me the wherewithall to give Black girls and boys, and specifically ones I match with (like again, we are locating each other GPS-wise, my 6-year old self is the compass), that I give empathy. That I can cultivate it within the callousness that life creates, and particularly toward those who are socially coded to have bad experiences too.
God grant me empathy…and not comparing my grief…and also live and let live. We all have a capacity and sometimes it is full, especially when it’s a lot, or two much to take on. It means nothing about you.
109.They Didn’t Have To Help — My Mom Dying
My relatives, my mother’s family, stepped in and helped money-wise when we had nothing. My mom was in such a bad spot in terms of her health and us not being prepared to take care of her. But also their family dynamics and how she was the Black Sheep, it contributed to her ill health. So sometimes these things are a Catch-22. You help but “help” would have been maybe love well before amyloidosis. We’ll get to more about this. I’m JUST starting to talk about my mother. It’s taken 4 years.
110. Current Living Situation: Oppression
That’s all. It is I pray something to work beyond. No more words for this. I don’t like backbiting but it’s that emotionally hard for me.
This is all I have.
Anchors. Anchors. Weights. Weights. How can things mend? How can relationships find their right ground? How can I bring all of this stuff forward? And accept where I am, Medicaid and all.
See, if only the druggie would have signed up for SNAP, he’d have money for food.
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