One More Step. One More Breath.
Do not die. You will succeed. One more step. To the stratosphere. Accept your emotions and do not be mean — it’s okay to want to be further and feel sad that others are okay and not you.
I can’t help but think I’m not going to make it. I am so sad because I am the oldest, one of the oldest and my life is not a reflection of being together and the leader. And it hurts when I am not where I want to be yet work mentally to still be supportive of younger siblings doing okay. I hate this. Will I ever get there and be the leader?
Yes you will. You are at Walmart to start over and that includes with your mindset. You will reach the stratosphere and only are like a bamboo tree that is watered for five years before shooting up very high. Why must things come to me late? Or will they come at all? I hate this.
What I want to talk about now is what happened when my mother was sick in Los Angeles. I don’t know why she went there really. It is like in working at Walmart, I match all that she did. She worked at Goodwill and at the airport in Atlanta, jobs that were less than her potential. But it is the lack of confidence and desire to remain unseen and girl socialization I think all together.
So let working at Walmart meet my mom’s and my lack of confidence to propel forward despite it.
She was in the hospital when I had gotten there. And it was difficult because she was in the hospital bed. I thought she would be okay eventually like most things are before you’re hit with something bad. And drastic.
So there she was, sitting in a hospital bed with the tubes hooked up to her arms. A doctor came in and out and me and my siblings were in the room waiting around, talking to her.
I showed her a shot of a fashion show that I did a few days before. She liked it. And my younger brother said, “You should dress up like this more often,” I remember.
I suck at being an older sister but Max Capacity with my life to be honest. God help me open up. Someone told me today that I’ve had a very hard life. Ugh I hate that too.
My older sister offered me her home but I was still reeling from when I last stayed with her when I was 16 and it was a bad experience living with her when my father didn’t give me money so she could take care of things more easily without paying solely for me.
So I stayed with my younger sister instead.
Since then I’ve blogged out my emotions about my older sister who really I get now. I don’t know how I am going to reach the stratosphere with my fucked up background to be honest.
Someone also told me I’m optimistic, the same person. So I will still, which is why I blog to keep pace with my dreams. Even without always believing it. It is a futile effort to believe.
The next day I went to a dance class instead of waiting in the hospital room for hours with my mother. I hadn’t danced at all and had a program to attend the following day or two. It was silly but I shouldn’t have gone. I didn’t know that it was so bad.
I’ll stop there.
I am breathing with anxiety because I just don’t know if I will be the leader among us that I desire to be. I hate to be behind and want to be the leader of the pack. I can still be though. Deep breaths and trust that it will be okay.
Will it?
Hi. Thanks for reading and seeing my story. And those connected to it. I have a newsletter about my journey. If interested in being a part, I invite you to SIGN UP.I will try to keep things angled to you, too, a reciprocal type of vibe.
