When you helped me stand up to the Professor Alonzo Crawford.
This hurt me so bad. I always see that a person who calls someone out for their looks sometimes are an ironic reflection of their own words, and forces you to see the mirror that you otherwise wouldn’t have noticed. Anyway this hurt so time to let it hit the ether to also transform.
I blogged this one or two months ago and just forgot to publish it. The final post about you, let this transform. Give me the capability. I do not think I can so please take my hand. And order my steps…
Experience #2
The second experience is when you helped me. The thing is that in being reborn and having to carry our girlness I feel in a way that you being first has allowed me to articulate our oppression more — I see your “internalness” (right word please…need a better word here…) and random questions are because you had no support. Even with the difficulties, there is a lot you still helped me with. So now hopefully the gunk can be transformed. I am still hurt by you though. Angry? Not at this moment.
So the second experience is that you helped me when the professor at Howard University had harmed me so badly with my self-esteem. See, he had let me use his account to rent film equipment. Another professor had told me that what I wanted to do wasn’t really possible, a Black girl professor I had liked so much, my translation teacher.
Now that I see a couple of people were just not really supportive. So you told me to tell this professor, the male one — Proessor Hines, eh, it is inconsequential at the end of the day since I’d still produced it I guess. So Professor Crawford, Alonzo Crawford, for some reason I remember him referring to himself as “Zo”. You are still the same no matter what you call yourself.
Well you told me to stand up for myself and tell him how I felt.
I sent a really scathing email to this Black male. Sometimes I just say the xy gender when the person is two-dimensional. I will say boy/man if you are three-dimensional. So this male, I emailed him. And I still lost the battle I feel because he still got to hurt me like he did and assert his maleness. However, he did talk about how he was divorced and tried to make light of it during the process of working with him. So by how he treated me, I wonder what he could have done or how he treated the person, the girl/woman he had married. Did he say hurtful things to her too?
Let me go now. I don’t know how to hold this stuff but I will.
My friend told me to continue to stay positive and think in terms of possibility. It is difficult when I feel so behind. And don’t know if I will ever rise to the levels I want.
Onward. Gaa n’ihu.
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