You have selflessly given a lot.
A recognition past, present, and future post of the good and the challenging (don’t want to say “bad”), all of it toward better.
I have to write this before replying to my sister’s text.
I had to get another phone. I dropped the other one and cracked the screen, maybe a month ago. So I think that, having these cracks, made it scramble eventually. I have a bad track record with phones nad keeping up with them. This is my third one in one year I think. Like $30 for the phone.
She texted me this week when I didn’t have access to my phone. Ironically, I’m so glad that I didn’t have a phone so I have a reason to not have responded. I wouldn’t have been ready right away since the anger I know she feels toward me or felt, I don’t know. And how I felt hurt by her too.
It is hard living with another person because I have to follow the house rules and forgot to take out the pot top and my pan from the rack after it was dried. The person I stay with is a stickler for these kinds of things and I just want to not really be in the way at all and annoy them when they have kept a nice, clean home, very nice home. There is a lot where I do not belong in this city of Denver for all the White people I am around. So I just want to be in and out, build to get beyond here, improve my habits with a person kind enough to let me grow beyond these habits, have gratitude for the help, and find my tribe you know. I could say more but overall, this is the Universe’s gift to me, I asked for it…I see the signs.
Yesterday I spend $76 that I will take out of my savings. Seventy. Six. Dollars. to go from a town an hour away driving but 2.5 to 3 hours away by bus. I got there fine by bus, but even that was $10 and the bus driver let me ride for free since I didn’t know. I will pay double though when I go back up there again. It was for an inteview for a modeling shoot. And I need to get back to ballet class, but I have been truly depressed.
So I have to plan that out because I have a lot of catching up to do as an older ballet dancer. Nice to call myself this I guess…
Well, I didn’t realize how much trouble it would be to get there to meet the person for a meeting to go over the looks. It was even more difficult going back because the bus I took stopped running back to Denver at 3:45pm. Another one that went to another city accessible by the Denver transit, this last bus left at 5:20. I didn’t know this and never think that a bus will stop running mid day. So I spent money on an Uber to get to Boulder, Colorado, an hour drive…$40 less than it would have been to go to where I stay. And even worse, I got back at 11pm. 11pm! I left at 12:25pm, got there at 3:30pm, and had a meeting for an hour, and got back…and ran across the park in the dark knowing I could have been //trigger warning for me and you: murdered, raped, or something else horrible. I have to figure out what to do in situations like this…it’s like I try and feel like I fail always…
So let me get back to my older sister. I don’t know if I will truly get to New York and have to look at my money since I didn’t find another job. One place, but they are so slow getting back to me with the writing outline I did, I can’t trust that…
My sister wants to talk, and it is good timing spiritually because I am on my last post about us. I am glad I didn’t have a phone all week because I wouldn’t have been ready to reply to her text message. Especially since blogging helped me to figure out that she has harmed me because of her difficult life too. And that I have an opportunity to be a sort of a leader (? maybe) and see her within this, crafting myself to fit her needs, knowing that I think I will be okay ultimately since there are spaces for me I hope.
The person who drove me to the event with other Igbo people, she has a beautiful name, by the way…like family it felt like to be honest…
Well, she said that I was compassionate when I opened up to her about my sister not talking to me, being done with me. Am I?
“I’m done with you!” -my sister to me last July
Anyway, I need to write out how you have helped me, C****. And now how I will help you and reciprocate within all of the seeds that we have found in the gook and now can plant I think…
Things You Have Given, Most Selflessly
Training Bras
They helped me to deal with the awfulness of puberty when we didn’t have anyone to show us how to be Black girls. It was really hard, really, especially within the context of our abuses with my father, your step-father. I see how much people lack empathy for others’ pain and kind of weaponize trauma to make it seem like a person is a “victim” or “woe is me”. But that I have to ignore because they are probably fucked up people anyway. They will draw the same lack of empathy to themselves, so they are like a math problem that cancels itself out. They are the absolute value of bullshit, which is still bullshit. You know.
Birthday Recognition
You always recognized my birthday and gave me gifts. Whether it was the Jamaican restaurant when I was 16 or flying me up to New York when I was 12, you gave what you could with what you had. Cuddles when I was born on July 19, 1986. Or when you blew up at me, you still Venmoed $150. Did I actually use it? No, because it wouldn’t be right after you’re mad. I think I used it eventually, but my savings has $150 to start reciprocating back to you. You cannot keep giving when life has bankrupted you…it is my turn now I feel. Also still, I appreciate all of these gifts. Thank you.
Friends
So you introduced me to your friends and you were kind of possessive with them because they were something of value to you that you earned from your acceptance into NYU, which cost a lot of money, particularly with loans I see. I see now how you see I think…you let me stay with them even when I didn’t tell you. But I just wish that when I asked one, they hadn’t told you…but that is why I have to build my circle and not leech off of yours I guess. So thank you for this. I understand your anger toward me with this.
Introversion
I see your Black girl insecurity in actions, not words. You do not say. I think this helps me, too, to approach you knowing that I will have to be present for you as a Black girl/woman. You cannot be present for me within this form, but it is my turn anyway to give back to you. I think this is what I can begin to give to both of us as I seek out those who wear this form bravely to learn from, maybe for us both? I don’t know.
Clothes
You’ve given me a lot of clothes. A sweater that gets compliments, lots of clothes I still wear. Where does it end? An endless stream of clothes.
Modeling Insider’s Information
You shared information about the pop-up shop with the African entrepreneur, from Ghana. Thank you C****. I have the dress and was complimented on it after our performance at the end of April. You are a kind person to me.
Pain
I see your pain because I trigger you. You gave mental violence because I have done passive aggressive things. I want to stop and blogging allows me to look at my motivation, and it is motivated by your badgering and invalidation of me for years. Which is still not right to do that to you I know…So as I work through this, I will see you for who you are and are not, as we are all. Even still, I want to give love. I think it is the next step…my anger is much less than 3.5 months ago. Thank you for expressive blogging, it is therapeutic. Also though, I think that I have a lot of depth in my emotions and experiences because I have been allowed to develop this — you are older and took more hits I think in certain ways that protected me, even with still a general lack of protection. So I see this too. I must see you and your style of expression, and topics — I will have to let you lead and match. My voice has space, plenty of spaces, not you — I make space for you, my sister.
Stepping Up To Arrange for Our Mom’s Funeral
I think that this all will be more discussed as I talk about my mother. It is personal so eh, I’m better with others who have lost their mothers. It hurts when I see what I can no longer have, but she took care of arrangements, my sister…
This is it. I thought I would say more on what to do moving forward. But I think I know now. I am going to talk to her and it will be interesting. I will listen to what she has to say. If she asks me about the times she hurt me or something, I will just tell her if she wants to know. She got angry when I told her how she hurt me, as she was blowing up on me, last year. But if she wants my honesty, then I will give what she asks.
Otherwise, I want to begin a new chapter. One where she is included and recognized. I haven’t always done this. I want her to have a safe space with me, all of my siblings, at least the ones who are talking to me. My brother, he is a topic for another day, who has excommunicated himself…we’ll get to this…
Also she always tried (as she said when she blew up, “I tried with you!”). You know, my father didn’t see her as his kid as some men don’t I notice. But he saw her as a person to abuse, so that tracks…sadly. She saw us as her siblings though and probably tries her best in the midst of feeling resentment for this. I see you now. Starting to…She does not say it but I think it is part of things too. Just want to let it hit the air.
So what will I do now? I will only have this posted until I talk to her. I actually was going to start to delete everything here and save on my personal files, but no, I think I want to say a prayer and keep all 3.5 months’ worth of posts in the ether as I talk to her. So there is something spiritual and energetic that can happen, hopefully for good, between us. Now that the poison is out.
I need to go now though. Something on me is tingling, like dead weight coming off— and oh yes, as I got in the Uber, the $76 one, a spider fell from me and the driver killed it. Possibly got on me from taking the city transit and walking around trying to figure out how to get back — how I really don’t know... I mean, this tan spider with short legs, big until it was squished, then it shrank…bug juice all on the seat…😳. I just now said a prayer for the animal actually. It would have bitten me possibly I’m so sorry…so scared…it was either me or him/her…😔.
Okay, let me go now.
And the writing job just got back to me. I’ll email them back tonight. After replying to my sister’s text.
…
