How to talk to someone with depression during the holidays

Today, Mary Elizabeth WIlliams wrote a great piece in Salon, “How to talk to someone with cancer” that I found not only helpful, but also relatable. In fact, some of her points were so aligned with what advice I would give on how to talk to someone with depression, that it inspired this post. As someone who suffers from clinical depression, I find the holidays extra difficult to manage. I can’t cope with constantly being bombarded with messages of holiday cheer; I have a hard enough time convincing myself to get dressed every day. Never mind the fact that I lost my mom very close to Christmas about 4 years ago, or that this is the first Christmas I am celebrating after my brother’s death in May. So, my friends, if you should know someone who battles depression, please keep the following in mind:

1. Depression is a disease; it doesn’t go on vacation during the holidays: Say you meet your friend for coffee during the holidays and she has on The Face. You know, the one where there is no sign of a smile. Don’t say, “What’s wrong with you? It’s the holiday season! Cheer up!” That is a really easy way to make someone feel worse than they already do. We KNOW it’s the holiday season but we CAN’T cheer up sometimes because it just isn’t possible. Instead, lend an empathetic ear. Ask if there is anything he/she needs, and how they feel.

2. Don’t be invisible: People who suffer from depression always (and I mean always) think they are a burden. Be brave, be the best possible friend you can be, and be there. I can’t emphasize enough how much the holidays can amplify depression. Suggest going to a movie, just the two of you. A bar is probably not a good idea—even I find the crowds too much to handle this time of year. I relish the quiet spaces I find, and would welcome an invitation to do something on a very small scale.

3. Don’t make it about you: Asking someone with depression how they are doing and then going into what you need from them is just showing no empathy whatsoever. Take a minute and think about how it must feel to be them: here is a holiday that dictates cheer, and even on their best days, they have a hard time mustering a smile. It takes a lot of energy to get through the day when you have depression, so adding on to your friend’s sad plate isn’t always a good idea.

4. Don’t give them a remedy: Vitamins do not “fix” depression; fruit does not “fix” depression. Everyone has their own opinion, but if you are talking to someone with depression, don’t turn into a doctor and tell them what they need to do to get rid of it. If only it were that easy.

5.Do something nice for them without them asking: The last thing I ever expect is someone to do something nice for me. Do I wish they would? Sure, sometimes. Making your depressed friend smile is a Very Big Deal and will make you feel really good. I promise.

6. Refrain from saying the following phrases: “Hang in there;” “Feel better;” “Go to the doctor;” “This too shall pass;” and for women: “It’s probably just PMS.” Erase ALL of these from your tongue. Right now.

7. Make them feel loved: Only you know how you can do this. The greatest gift you can give someone who suffers from depression is that of feeling loved—and feeling understood.

8. At the same time, don’t force your good will: Sometimes, people with depression just do not want to talk. If they are anything like me, they want to crawl into a cave and come out after January 1, 2013. Take cues from them and don’t force them to go out if that is really not what they want to do.

9. Refrain from overly enthusiastic status updates if your life really isn’t that way: This is harsh, I know, but we (the collectively depressed) feel like your life is infinitely better than ours by reading your status updates that detail your excitement over…pancakes. There is an amount of self-awareness that should be sprinkled on social media so no one has to feel like crap because they didn’t have sunshine and pancakes but you did.

10. Be patient: I never mean to make people feel bad about being around me when I am going through a depressive episode (or having an Ugly Cry). Patience is a wonderful quality. Remember that the next time your friend is in a funk while looking at a bunch of Christmas lights in Target. Then take them to the candy aisle, hug them, and tell them you love them. xo KS