Wrestlemania 34 Preview
From the Pinnacle to the Dreadful, Wrestlemania 34 has a high variance of matchups
Because I’m a nice person here’s a TL:DR right at the top! Wrestlemania 34 includes:
A dream match (Styles/Nakamura)
A great longstanding feud (Owens/Zayn/Shane/Bryan)
A good match (Miz/Rollins/Balor)
And a smorgasbord of meh, ugh, trash, and complete utter garbage.
My complete thoughts below…
AJ Styles © vs. Shinsuke Nakamura (WWE Championship Match)
I mean come on… The WWE hasn’t given the fans something this special since Daniel Bryan’s magical run at Wrestlemania 30.
The bar for this match is set at 5 stars, which isn’t a crazy expectation. This is Bret Hart vs. Shawn Michaels revisited and one could argue that Styles and Nakamura are more versatile performers.
A better comparison for Styles would be the late Eddie Guerrero. Guerrero was a master of adapting to different wrestling styles depending on his opponent and the story he wanted to tell in any specific match. Styles unironically takes after his own name. Nonetheless, Styles is a true technician in the ring, and every wrestling fan knows that The Hitman was the master of execution.
Nakamura is in a class of his own as the undisputed leader of the Japanese Strong Style of wrestling. Nakamura takes on Michaels’ eccentric personality, which Nakamura’s character is often compared to the Michael… Michael Jackson.
The feud is simple. The best feuds are. Two of the best wrestlers in the world want to win a major championship belt. Much like in real fighting, there’s no need to have a greater incentive than that.
This match should be the main event match at Wrestlemania. It is likely not going to be which is a shame. Having a match that would send the fans home happy would be a welcome diversion from the past two years of massive failures.
The audience will be split. There will be some rooting interest but both guys are faces and just plain likable. Whoever wins, professional wrestling wins.
John Cena vs. The Undertaker
It really doesn’t get much worse than this. The only spot this match deserves on the card is before the pre-show starts and the stadium is empty so that no wrestling fan has to suffer through this abhorrent Vince McMahon fan faction match.
This match would’ve been a travesty 10 years ago. Back then this match would’ve been a dumpster fire, today this match has the entire landfill on fire.
The first problem with this matchup, outside of wasting a spot on the card that the ghost of Cody Rhodes could’ve used, is that John Cena is being asked to carry a match (shudders violently).
Cena is the poster boy for being carried in the ring by better talent. Cena let’s more talented opponents hit complex moves that he has the freedom and liberty to not sell and subsequently kick out of. Many critics of Cena like to harp on his limited move-set, but the real problem with Cena as a wrestler is that his psychology in the ring is atrocious. Taker matches are reliant on psychology. Selling moves, fear, concern, disbelief, all the myriad of ways that you can craft a good Undertaker match is not in the John Cena playbook.
The John Cena playbook relies primarily on kickouts. False finishes. Weak comeback spots. If you’ve watched five Cena matches you already know how this match is going to look. The Reigns vs. Undertaker match was a snoozefest last year, I may legitimately fall asleep watching Cena vs Taker this year.
It’s sad to me that many wrestling critics and a contingent of fans can’t admit that Cena is below average in the numerous categories I’ve listed above. Don’t get me started on his lack of mobility. Cena runs like Penguin from the Batman series. The disconnect with Cena is that his diehard supporters don’t properly analyze his wrestling in comparison to the truly elite talent.
I could go on all day but either you’re blind of you’re not. If your eyes are open wide enough, you’ll also be able to admit that The Undertaker should’ve stopped wrestling before he took on last year’s match against Roman. He’s 52 years old! Accuse me of being ageist, but father time is undefeated, and we should be okay with that. Taker’s last good set of matches with Lesnar and Shane McMahon were reliant on big moves and high spots. They were gimmick matches essentially. His regular wrestling matches against Bray Wyatt and Roman Reigns? Snoozefests.
Half star match potential if Undertaker can make his entrance to the ring in 30 minutes or less. Maybe a Domino’s delivery car can drive him to ringside.
Let’s be honest with ourselves for a moment. The Undertaker has had a great long career. He hasn’t had anything to prove to anybody in wrestling years ago to claim he’s had an all-time career. He’s bound to take a hard bump or two in this match. It’s uncomfortable to watch Taker struggle to get back up. It would be somewhat easier to stomach one last Undertaker match if it wasn’t against John Cena. It was dumb enough to have him wrestle Reigns last year. Undertaker doesn’t need this match. This match is to get Cena over, despite being booed for 15 years. Pitiful.
The build for this match is truly dreadful. Cena has claimed he can’t get himself a Wrestlemania match which is irony at its best. If you wanted a match John, why don’t you just ask Vince who is next on the burial list? Cena challenges The Undertaker calling him a coward for not responding to his challenge. That’s like the Jets asking Brett Favre to come back and play QB, and then Favre being called a coward for not responding because he’s on his farm tending to his wheat. Now forgive me while I go pray for my sins because I made a sports analogy in conjunction with wrestling.
Brock Lesnar © vs. Roman Reigns (Universal Intergalactic Hyperspace Supernova Championship Match)
The structure of this match will be similar to the Cena-Taker bout with a much faster pace in comparison for reasons I don’t need to spell out anymore. When Reigns kicks out of the F5, the crowd should erupt with chants of, “Kickout City bitch!”
To get a Cena-Taker match over with the fans, there’s going to have to be a spot fest or interference or something to separate it from the mundane. Reigns and Lesnar may get away with a mundane wrestling match because fans recall their last Mania match as entertaining.
If we flashback to Wrestlemania 31, the match was saved by the surprise cash in of Seth Rollins. The match itself was okay. It was a dominant performance by Lesnar with Reigns attempting to do a Rocky-style “hit me again” routine.
There’s no Seth Rollins to save us this time. This should be Seth Rollins’ match in fact. Yet here we are with yet another Roman Reigns Wrestlemania main event.
Getting back to the structure of the match, Lesnar will dominate with ubiquitous suplexes. Reigns will get his comeback punches. Over/under 30 punches from Reigns in this match (I’ll take the over).
Lesnar will catch Reigns with an F5, Reigns will kick out. The crowd will count 1, 2.. despite knowing the kickout is coming. It’s been a discussion topic that no one has kicked out of Lesnar’s F5 in quite some time just to build up Reigns.
The WWE is building up a below average talent to kick out of a finishing move. If that isn’t an utter stupid booking plan, then I give up talking wrestling to anyone.
I fully expect Reigns to spear Lesnar through a barricade. An announce table will be collapsed. Ring posts and ring stairs will be run into. This is run of the mill stuff for WWE pay per view matches with bigger wrestlers.
I have zero interest in this match. I already know how it ends. You already know how it ends, so why are you interested? There’d be a lot more ring psychology and intrigue if Strowman was in the ring versus Brock, and Strowman isn’t known for his versatile wrestling or ring psychology.
We’ve already seen with a decade and a half of Cena that a contingent of fans will make excuses and try to give credit where none is due. Between Reigns and Lesnar, and the Cena and Taker match, I fully expect both to be boring, and not worth my time.
Kurt Angle & Ronda Rousey vs. Triple H & Stephanie McMahon
Are you serious? Talk about matches I don’t want to watch. Let’s rank the unwatchables so far.
- John Cena vs. The Undertaker
- Angle & Rousey vs HHH & Stephanie McMahon
- Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns
The only thing Reigns has going for him is that he has some semblance of athleticism and he’s in the ring with a legitimate fighting badass in Lesnar. All the other men listed above are 15–20 years beyond their prime (except for Cena who never had one).
The two ladies in question are about the worst possible matchup. I wrote about the best case scenario matchup for Rousey at this year’s Mania. All reports about Rousey’s wrestling ability thus far have been positive. That said, she’s wrestling her first match with millions of people watching, against Stephanie McMahon, who can’t wrestle. If Stephanie really cared about how she was going to present Ronda Rousey, she’d have left her ego out of it and booked Rousey against Sasha Banks.
Much like how it’s impossible to have a bad match against AJ Styles, Sasha Banks is the closest woman in comparison. If anyone is going to make Ronda look like a superstar in the ring, it would be Sasha. Hands down. Her selling is top tier.
Let me just state this for the record. Mixed tag matches are trash. Unless the women can beat on the men and vice versa, I don’t understand the point. How dare I say that? Men hitting women! This is professional wrestling people… Come on. Women and men already wrestle each other on the indies.
I watched the first ten minutes of last year’s mixed match where the Miz was beating the piss out of Cena and it was a good time. The Miz had the crowd going nuts. It went downhill from there, so I stopped watching because what followed was the same boring offense from Cena and Nikki.
The dynamics of this year’s mixed match are much different, but this is still a throwaway gimmick match to establish Rousey. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Rousey get into a confrontation with Triple H and take him down yet again. Angle and Triple H will go through their nostalgia spots. The pace will be slow. If anyone on this card could work slower than Undertaker, Triple H will do his damndest to try.
Undertaker isn’t alone as the guy I’m not excited to see wrestle because of age. I’m not as down on Kurt Angle because we saw him compete at Survivor Series, albeit at a substandard level, he still can throw a good suplex. Angle is 49. The Game is 48. Angle is fine with me for one or two final nostalgia matches. This particular match is a waste for him.
What will Stephanie and Rousey do? I have no earthly idea. It would depend on what can Rousey dish out and what can Stephanie take? Stephanie getting any offense on Rousey should be laughable, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see Stephanie land a slap and maybe a basic move or two.
I’m sorry WWE fans, I wanted to be excited for Rousey in the WWE, but this is pure garbage. If you’re going to make Ronda Rousey a WRESTLER, have her wrestle against a WRESTLER. Clean and simple.
I’ve ranted so much on the wrestling matchup I haven’t even mentioned that the build has been worse. Rousey’s awkward debut was not well thought out from a blocking and choreography perspective. Then there was the god awful Kurt Angle snitch promo, where Kurt Angle out of the blue says The Authority is using Ronda. Ronda hasn’t found her edge on the mic yet, and the writing for all the promos have been lazy and uninspired.
The Miz © vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Balor (Intercontinental Championship Match)
Ahh. A sigh of relief. A match I can enjoy because there are two world-class wrestlers and WWE’s second best talker.
There’s not too much to say here other than there is an above average ceiling for this match complemented by a decent build with The Miz carrying the microphone duties.
Anybody can win this match and it’ll be fine. I don’t expect Seth to win as I imagine he’ll be taking L’s to Roman in the near future. The Miz may win because he’s been Raw’s consistently entertaining smack talker. Balor may win for the face result, but the longer I consider this the more I expect Miz to retain. Balor’s future will likely be with his… club? Whatever.
Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn vs. Shane McMahon & Daniel Bryan
This is the only match I’m invested in the storyline because it’s been bubbling for some time.
Kevin Owens is my favorite wrestler in the WWE. Zayn is super talented. Shane is always fun to watch in the ring as long as he’s not throwing punches. Bryan has FINALLY been cleared to wrestle so that adds an unexpected wrinkle as to what becomes of this match.
All I can say is no matter how this concludes, I’ll likely leave satisfied. This feud hasn’t let me down yet, and I expect there to be a finite result at Wrestlemania.
Last year Owens blowoff match with Jericho was really good coming off of a storyline that was built over the course of the last year. The WWE is blind if they don’t see the value Owens has brought to their show for the last two years.
Bryan’s return has been long awaited. I’ve never been a big D Bry fan but I can’t deny he’s been the most culturally relevant WWE wrestler since CM Punk. He’s also very damn good in the ring.
There’s a lot of opportunities to work the crowd and mix high spots and finisher teases. If worked right, this match could come very close to match of the night.
Randy Orton (C) vs. Bobby Roode vs. Jinder Mahal (AMERICA F*** YEAH! Championship Match)
Can’t recall the last time I’ve cared about the US Title. Didn’t Bobby Lashley have it in like 2006? If he did, I cared about it then, when I was 10 years old.
Does this build look familiar to you? It’s as if the writing staff copied and pasted the Intercontinental championship build because they could care less about this meaningless title. Roode and Orton are the wrestlers claiming they are superior to each other while Mahal instigates in The Miz role.
Big problem with that last statement. Mahal is 20,000 leagues below The Miz in terms of entertainment value. This match is a throwaway match. Orton has a high probability of winning because he’s bored. If Roode loses, I expect he moves onto greener pastures.
The only magic to look for is if Orton counters Jinder’s finisher with an RKO to win the match.
Alexa Bliss © vs. Nia Jax (Raw Women’s Championship)
There’s been a compelling storyline where the WWE decided to go all in on using Nia Jax’s weight as a vulnerability to turn her face. Bliss is doing her job well and can expect nuclear heat for the duration of this storyline.
I think Bliss should find a way to retain at Mania and the feud should continue to build even more sympathy towards Nia and heat on Bliss.
That being said, this matchup isn’t any good from a wrestling perspective. The ceiling for Bliss matches depends on her opponent. Jax is limited in the ring. The best case scenario is a short match with a blasé finish where Bliss cheats to win.
Charlotte © vs. Asuka (SmackDown Women’s Championship)
I get it. Two good women’s wrestlers who will put on a decent showing, but I’m not going to pull any punches here. I could care less about this matchup. The build has no substance to it. Charlotte isn’t engaging enough on the microphone. It’s as if she took promo lessons from the Bella’s. Asuka doesn’t speak English well enough to be coherent. For the love of Christ almighty someone bring back the manager in wrestling!
I like Charlotte, but she isn’t must-see unless Sasha Banks is in the ring across from her.
I understand I’m sacrilegious to say this but I don’t like Asuka. Don’t @ me. Actually, do @ me and tell me how much you hate my opinion. I can objectively admit she is talented in the ring, but I’m subjectively allowed to state that her character doesn’t resonate with me, in fact, she creeps me out. The mask, the multi-colored hair, her awkward posture. It’s not for me.
I am also adamant that you shouldn’t be allowed to hit a hip attack or hip check if you have no hips.
The Bar vs. Braun Strowman and ??? (Raw Tag Team Championship)
I’d be fine if this was a handicap match and Braun wins the tag team belts by himself. An eight-minute match where Sheamus and Cesaro fight valiantly but nothing they do can stop Strowman.
The expectation is that Strowman tags with Elias which would make this match a throwaway. The only other two guys I can make sense of tagging with Braun would be Samoa Joe if healthy, or Bray Wyatt.
Authors of Pain lick their chops as they wait in the wings… (Raw after Mania call up?!)
My God, we’re at 10 matches already!
Battle Royales
Pointless. Meaningless. Waste of time.
Idea: Instead of having the Andre the Giant Battle Royal, just play five minutes from the new Andre the Giant documentary.
Save them for another pay-per-view that isn’t stocked with 10+ matches.
The Usos © vs. The Bludgeon Brothers vs. The New Day (SmackDown Tag Team Championship)
The New Day continue to be repulsive so I will gladly have no comment for this match as I’ll find something better to do with my time.
Cruiserweights?
They still exist?
Pre-show city.
