Letter of Introduction to a [REPUTED] Branding Agency
An All-Coveted Strategy That May [NOT] Get You Hired
Q. Why Am I the Perfect Fit for this Role?
Hi, Lewis.
Let me share a story.
I once met a homeless vagrant on the streets of Baltimore. He looked kinda dejected with life. I had some time with me so I asked him a couple of questions.
Here’s how our conversation went.
Me: So, John, apart from being a hopeless addict, how’s life?
John: Bro, I keep hearing these voices all day. Dr. Dopeson said it’s… whatsitsface — sheez…shiz…
“Schizophrenia?”, I asked.
“That’s the one”, he said.
“Well, anything else?”
“Bro, I got this crazy lust for dope too. When I need it, I gotta find it somehow. Couple of weeks ago, I went all the way to the state borders to get it.”
“Hmm… Interesting. Like your dope, don’t you? One last thing. Must be other fellows like you here, right?”
“Loads,” he said.
I chewed on this for a while. Then I decided to help my poor little friend there.
Get him and his friends off dope and move forward in life.
(Now, what came next may seem like Bubbles from The Wire meeting Jordan Belfort but bear with me, Lewis.)
“Listen, John. Here’s your gaaame plan (I like McCauneghey, btw). Next time you need your dope, you go to the driest corner you can find and tell ’em you would double their business with only half the product (Stringer Bell too, obviously!). But you gotta have your cut.”
“Then you go to your dope buddies in the vacants — and grab as many of them as possible — with your best dope clothes on, needles poking out of shoe soles and all, ready to give a speech.”
And here’s what you say:
Fellow dopers, the world has maligned us deeply. They’ve told you that — just ’cause you’re an addict — you’re repulsive and good for nothing.
I disagree.
Look at me — probably the most pathetic addict you can find — and I ain’t got a problem I can’t fix. The West is dealing with loneliness and depression and here I am talking to 12 people all the time. Won’t leave me even when I shout at them. Whenever I want my object of desire, I am filled with unlimited energy. I hustle like crazy. I move heaven and earth. Most of you have never gone beyond the next corner. Me — I’m just coming off a trip from Philly last week.
Once you do that, take all your fellows to your corner and set up the deal with a stepped-down product. Feeling so naturally good for the first time in their lives, they would only need half the stuff, trust me. Heck, you can even sell them fakes later on, wouldn’t make a difference.
John did as I said. Business flourished on that corner. John was getting rich. The dopers couldn’t believe what was happening. Their spirits were always high. No more health issues (since all they were consuming was probably glycerine). And they had found a new hero.
John.
When the dealers finally asked John how the heck was he pulling such a miracle off, he puffed up his chest with earned pride and declared (and I didn’t even coach him this):
“THEY AIN’T ADDICTED TO YOUR SILLY DOPE, BROTHER. THEY ARE ADDICTED TO ME.”
John’s personal brand was complete.
I guess I upgraded John’s brand by following the same steps [REPUTED AGENCY] preaches:
- Leveraging his unique personal experience
- Amplifying his social presence
- Converting the influence into opportunity
Now, Lewis, if I can do this with John’s not-so-elite doper track record, imagine what I can do with your CEOs.
Fun aside:
I think personal branding is telling the world a person’s best story.
And I know how to tell a good story.
Am I fit for this role?
Turned out I wasn’t the perfect fit for the role.
But that wasn’t the real bummer by a long shot.
The real bummer wasn’t even the fact that I didn’t set up a Streak tracker to see if a pair of eyeballs even fell on this letter.
The real bummer was the fact that somewhere in Baltimore lived a real John — pathetic and addict — waiting for a Jack-Of-All to turn up and turn his life around.
But [Reputed Agencies] only cater to CEOs.
And I ain’t got any plans to leave my Jack Durden condo any soon.
Bummer.
