Fuck off mate.

14 Things That Scare Me

Clowns, obvs.

Yesterday, I wrote about the 25 things I’ve learned about myself in the 25 years I’ve been knocking about.

We had some fun with that. Well I did.

But now it’s time to get serious.

14 things that leave me with brown marks in my pants.

14 things that turn me into Shaggy. The one from Scooby Doo, not Mr.Bombastic.

14 things that maybe shouldn’t make a grown man a bit worried but actually fucking do. You got a problem with that? Men get scared too yeah.

So here we go:

1/ Clowns

Fucking clowns. Everyone is scared of them.

If you’re not scared of clowns, you’re a clown. In fact, most clowns are scared of clowns.

Fuck em with fucking lead pipe the fuckers.

2/ Spiders

Oh how original.

Second on the list and the second fear some people would say is irrational.

Well it’s not. It’s not a phobia. It’s a well-founded, reasoned fear of a horrible little cunt of a thing.

The ones in Australia will bite you on the arse and you’ll be dead before you’ve had the chance to say something, I dunno, like, cor blimey Sheila or whatever.

Arachnophobia my arse. Arachno-legitimate-and-sensible-evolutionary-response-to-an-obvious-threat.

And they’re hairy. Eurgh.

3/ Fear itself

Sometimes I do worry about the fact that I’ve even got 14 fears to write about.

So this is therapy really.

4/ The future

The past isn’t always good but it’s a known entity. It would be a bit weird to be scared of the past.

Imagine being scared of the fact you once had to start school. I…yeah, I’m not sure.

Anyway, fuck the past. Present is here. If you’re scared of what’s happening now, then you’re busy being scared, which means you have no cognitive capability of recognising you’re scared (it’s instinctual) and by the time you do recognise, it’s no longer now it’s then. Got that? Good.

The future though. Now that is one scary prospect. Who knows what could happen?

You could die. I mean you definitely will, but it could happen at any time. How scary is that, you literally have no idea when you’re going to die. Fucking terrifying.

Or what about spiders and clowns. You might encounter spiders and clowns in the future.

Fuck the future man.

5/ Death

Part of the future, but deserving of a category of its own.

Death is scary. One day here, then not. And it’s nothing. Well I mean maybe it’s something. But it’s not is it. And that’s pretty scary.

I mean, to be honest, even if there is something else, it’s still scary. What is next? Is it hell? Hell sounds scary.

Heaven sounds scary too — I don’t like the idea of only good stuff, it’s all a bit like the village from Hot Fuzz. One day you’ll stumble across a dead body under a cloud and an angel will blackmail you into silence for ‘the greater good’. I don’t like the sound of that.

6/ Children

Having them and/or any representation of children in popular culture intended to be a bit creepy.

The twins from the Shining, the obvious reference point. Actually, you know just little girls really. Scary as fuck.

7/ Getting old

I don’t like the idea of my body getting proper fucked, but I reckon I could just about soldier on even if I was basically a brain in a jar.

What I really fucking don’t like is the idea that one day my mind will probably go.

I’ve seen my Gran lose here entire identity to Alzheimers, not knowing who I am, not knowing her daughter or her husband, and christ it’s awful.

That really scares the shit out of me. I don’t want that.

8/ Failure

I mean, I can’t actually define what failure would be. It’s some vague ethereal notion constructed from the wants and goals of my parents and other influential figures in my formative years, and from society at large.

But gosh darn am I scared of it.

9/ Success

What if I get really good at something and then it turns out I’m still just kind of a dick?

Probably easier to just float along in the middle somewhere and never find out.

10/ Change

I don’t like change but I experience a hell of a lot. I guess we all do.

I’m not as scared of it as I used to be, but still am a bit.

Like, I’m not talking about Peep Show no longer being on Netflix level of change, I’m talking about big stuff.

What if my relationship doesn’t last? What if I lose my job? What if I lose my fingers?

It’s pretty funny that the only certainty in life is that things change (death? Changing from alive to dead. Taxes? Changing from having some money to not.), and yet we’re wired to be innately suspicious when the postman starts using blue rubber bands instead of just the usual brown ones.

11/ Horses

Big stupid dogs that hurt if they kick you and hurt if you fall off them.

12/ Tornadoes

You don’t get many tornadoes in southern England. You don’t get any, really.

Fucking scary though, ain’t they?

13/ Donald Trump

Ooh look at the bleeding heart liberal, the Generation Snowflake wuss face.

He does actually scare me though old Trumpton.

Hitler comparisons on the internet rarely hold much water. But, I mean, he is isn’t he? A bit Hitler? What happens if he gets in?

Things will get nasty. Let’s not have that happen people.

14/ Making eye contact with someone you very much casually know, on a really long train journey where you’re both going to the same stop and it’s like you can’t pretend you didn’t see them and they can’t pretend they didn’t see you so you exchange a sort of awkward smile and nod which they interpret as an encouragement to sit down next to you, a decision you both instantly regret upon realising that your previous conversations have been no longer than 2 minutes and you’re about to settle in for a nice solid 2 hour journey, and then a voice comes over the tannoy and says the train is delayed by 20 minutes too. 140 minutes of talking to someone you don’t really know at all. They may as well be a stranger, for all the good knowing their name and the fact that they went to the same university as your mate Rick, does.

Horrifying.


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