11 Lessons I’ve learned after reading Lean In* from Sheryl Sandberg
There are eleven chapters on this book and I think each one of them bring important messages to both women and men really lean in*.
*Lean in means to be assertive, to move toward a leading, rather than a following role
1- Sit at the table
'I'm a fraud! Oh god, they're on to me! I'm a fraud!'
I have a feeling that someday people will discover that I'm not good enough at work. During my job rotation (from Implementation Success Manager to Product Manager) I couldn't believe the day they told me that I got in!
And what does it have to do with sitting at the table?
Sit at the table means that you worthy to sit with others at the table. Imagine a simple situation: you've launched a new product and somebody tells you that the product is a success and that you have made an excellent job! What is your reaction?
A. You thank the person and feel confident inside about your good work
B. You thank the person and say something like: "Oh, no… that is not that good… but, thanks. People helped me a lot… " or something like "Oh, I had luck". You feel that you don't deserve that compliment.
I used to answer B, always. And that is wrong. I am not telling you that you need to be selfish. I am telling that you need to stop thinking that you don't deserve things, that you are not good enough and that you are where you are because of the others. Put value on yourself.
It wasn't easy for me at the beginning, but I started to think: "If I don't believe that I am good enough, who will believe it?"
One good thing to do is to make lists with your achievements.
Try it. You will realize that you reached so many things and God, it was because of your brain, your muscles, your guts. Bárbara Cabral gave me this tip and I also recommend it :)
2- You don't need to be loved by everyone
Yeah. It sucks. But you can't go further if you are worried about what all the people are thinking about you, your job, your career, your family decisions, your whole life.
Success x Likeability
It happened weeks ago. For the first time I participated in a Hackaton in our company. There were lots of full-stack developers but only me and two other product managers. I was pretty excited (and also afraid) about this challenge. We worked really hard and after the pitches time our project got the 1st place among 11 projects! Yes. It was that cool!
But… I thought it would be very arrogant and pretentious if I write "Yeah, we got the First Place! We rock!" So, I erase it all and I just wrote "By the way, I was very flattered that we got the first place. Congrats team!"
Why?
There is a very famous case study that ran an experiment to test perceptions of men and women in the workplace. The case described how somebody (Heidi as a woman and Howard as a man) became a successful venture capitalist by using her/his “outgoing personality . . . and vast personal and professional network that included many of the most powerful business leaders in the technology sector.”
The study shows that students respected both Heidi and Howard, however, Howard came across as a more appealing colleague and Heidi, on the other hand, was seen as selfish and not "the type of person you would want to hire or work for."
Success and likeability are positively correlated for men and negatively correlated for women. Our stereotype of men holds that they are providers, decisive, and driven. Our stereotype of women holds that we are caregivers, sensitive, and communal.
That is why woman who are ambitious and not worried about pleasing everyone is seen as arrogant, too agressive, not a team player, a bit political or difficult to work with.
Then…
If you want to change things, you can't please everyone. If you do please everyone, you aren't making enough progress.
I felt that I failed on that post on Instagram because my real feeling was to share my excitement about the Hackaton itself but of course, about the first place thing. It was a really super cool thing. It seems silly, but we need to start by doing these little mindset changes :)
“Yes, we got the first place, and yes we rocked”.
3- Work Hard
"The most common way people give up their power
is by thinking they don't have any." Alice Walker
We often believe that a good job performance will naturally lead to rewards. It is the "Tiara Syndrome". We expect that if we are doing a good job someone will notice and place a tiara in our heads. It is a perfect meritocracy for the ones who really deserve. The results need to be recognized by others, right?
Girl (or Boy), do not wait for magic things to happen in your career. You are probably doing a really good job. But nobody will put a tiara if you just sit and wait for it.
Take risks, choose growth, challenge yourself, and ask for promotions (with a smile on your face, of course).
And. Do not wait for power to be offered.
4- Don't ask for people to be your mentor
The issue here is not whether mentorship is important. It really is. But the problem is asking to a stranger "will you be my mentor?". A mentoring is a relationship and like any relationship you cannot start being mentored by someone who you don't even know.
People invest in those who stand ou their talent or who can really benefit from help and mentors continue to invest when mentees use their time well and are truly open to feedback. It may turn into a friendship, but the foundation is a professional relationship.
Instead of thinking "Get a mentor and you will excel", the right message is: "Excel and you will get a mentor."
5- Seek for your truth
Howard Schultz was CEO of Starbucks from 1987 to 2000, and during his tenure, the company grew from just a few stores into a global retail powerhouse. Howard stepped down as CEO in 2000.
When he returned as CEO in 2008, he held a meeting with all of the company’s global managers where he openly admitted that the company was in serious trouble.
Then, as he was tearing up he confessed that he felt that he had let down his employees and their families. The entire company rose to the challenge. Starbucks turned around and delivered its highest revenue and earnings a few years later.
In my last internship I remember crying 3 times at work. But nobody saw it cause I was hiding in a room. I didn't feel free to cry at work. It is very different now that I work at Resultados Digitais. I remember the first time I started crying during a Skype call with a customer. He treated me poorly cause I was a "woman and he preferred a man instead". I start crying and my colleague besides me turn off my internet and hug me. I was so embarassed!
Then, we talked with our General Manager and our Director. Both of them told me to don't worry about crying and to think about what I wanted to do. They supported me on my decisions and they told me that I don't need to accept these kind of situation.
As Sheryl Sandberg wrote: "maybe someday shedding tears in the workplace will no longer be viewed as embarrassing or weak, but as a simple display of authentic emotion. And maybe the compassion and sensitivity that have historically held some women back will make them more natural leaders in the future."
I truly believe that.
6- Don't leave before you leave
This week I was talking to my aunt about my life and she told me to think about having a baby. I am talking serious. I just got 25 years old this month and she told me "if you want to have a baby in the future, you need to start thinking about it". You see, this is my first real job and I don't want to think about maternity. But I start thinking about what "don't leave before you leave" means.
It means to not leave your job before you actually need to leave it.
Hold your breath and if you are willing to have a baby or planning it, keep your foot on the gas pedal until your decision must be made. Do not slow down.
Anyone lucky enough to have options should keep them open. Don’t enter the workforce already looking for the exit. Don’t put on the brakes.
Just as women feel that they bear the primary responsibility of caring for their children, many men feel that they bear the primary responsibility of supporting their families financially.
Only a compelling, challenging, and rewarding job will begin to make that choice a fair contest. So, accelerate and give your best, girl!
7- Make your partner a real partner
When a husband and wife both are employed full-time, the mother does 40% more child care and about 30% more housework than the
father. And this is not a men's fault. Both women and men have things to work on.
I can tell it by looking at my mother. Whenever somebody wanted to help in the kitchen she got angry 'cause she could do faster and better than the person. So she rejected help. And that is what many women do. Maybe your partner will not prepare the best pasta now. But you need to let him try. We need help and we need to accept that help.
The belief that mothers are more committed to family than to work penalizes women because employers assume they won't live up to expectations of
professional dedication. The reverse is true for men, who are expected to put their careers first. We judge men primarily by their professional success and send them a clear message that personal achievements are insufficient for them to be valued or feel fulfilled.
We also need to stop laughing if the father does a better domestic service than the mother. If you are women do not worry too much about letting your partner help in things that you are great on. And if you are a man, be a real partner by supporting your wife's career and spend more time helping with the children and at home.
We need to encourage a more balanced relationship and 50/50 partners.
8- You don't need to be perfect and good on everything!
Stanford professor Jennifer Aaker’s work shows that setting obtainable goals is key to happiness. Instead of perfection, we should aim for sustainable and fulfilling. The right question is not “Can I do it all?” but…“Can I do what’s most important for me and my family?”
Success is making the best choices we can ... and accepting them.
Here I let you my advice: do not compare yourself to others. Other people will do the same thing you need to do, but in a different way. Do not let you down if someone is better than you in some area or have a skill that you want to develop. Focus on your main priorities, for you.
9- Start talking about it
In August of this year I joined a Lean in circle (small groups of women who meet regularly to learn and grow together) as a facilitator. I facilitated 3 meetings where we discussed feminism, what is sexual and moral harassment and how to deal with the impostor syndrome. These meetings really opened my mind about gender division.
I was blind.
I couldn't see some sexist attitudes right in front of me. Since I noticed some of these attitudes from my colleagues or situations with gender differences I started to think about what should I do to stop it. And the first thing that came on my mind was to raise awareness. I was indifferent about feminism. I was thinking that it is not my cause.
But when you see your friend crying about how she is treated at work, when you hear someone in pain or you see the injustice because of the gender, well, it is difficult to be indifferent about it.
10- Work together for equality
Marissa Mayer is a strong woman that I admire and the Yahoo's CEO. She was the first pregnant CEO of a Fortune 500 Company and feminists loved her. But after her speech about her short-time maternity: "My maternity leave will be a few weeks long, and I’ll work throughout it" feminists stopped cheering.
Why? Because taking such a short leave is not feasible or desirable for everyone and they argued that she was hurting the cause by setting these kind of expectations.
But, they forgot that this short-time maternity was possible and desirable because:
1- She really wanted to work
2- She has a husband who could actually take care of the child
Women deserve everyone's full support if they want to take two weeks off, or two days off or twenty years off. Women need to stop hurting other women.
There is a project in Brazil called "Marias vão com as outras" that aims to educate young girls from 10 to 14 years old to reflect about what means to be a woman. The project wants to spread the message that women don't need to compete with each other and that they can be whatever they want to be : be it a doctor, an engineer, a developer or a pilot. They want to teach that woman don't need to be perfect like a princess.
"(…) in a deep and profound way, we are failing. Because feminism wasn't supposed to make us feel guilty, or prod us into constant competitions over who is raising children better, organizing more cooperative marriages, or getting less sleep. It was supposed to make us free — to give us not only choices but the ability to make these choices without constantly feeling that we'd somehow gotten it wrong."
Barnard President Debora Spar, 2012
The march toward true equality continue and "He for She" ONU's campaign show some part of this march. (hope you watch it)
11- Do what you would do if you were not afraid of
That is the question I've been asking myself everytime I feel insecure or with a decision to make. Would you do it if you were not afraid? It is not magic, but it helps me racionalize if I really want to do something or not and how much fear influences my decisions.
Don't forget:
1- Sit at the table
2- You don’t need to be loved by everyone
3- Work Hard
4- Don’t ask for people to be your mentor
5- Seek for your truth
6- Don’t leave before you leave
7- Make your partner a real partner
8- You don’t need to be perfect and good on everything!
9- Start talking about it
10- Work together for equality
11- Do what you would do if you were not afraid of
Move yourself ;)
You can start leaning in by:
- Talking about your experiences in a Lean In Circle: I love meeting with other girls in our circle called SER (Sorority, Empowerment and Respect)
- Joining the discussion (and get some good network) about your career at Women Techmakers slack channel
- Stop accepting sexist attitudes
- Giving feedback when you feel uncomfortable or disrespected
There is no magic and much work need to be done.
Sharing is ❤, so please let me know your thoughts and experiences on the comments :)
