Young Mothers :: Am I A Good Parent?
Ola Musleh of Palestine wonders why some aspects of being a mom are so challenging, if she works too much, and how to talk to her son about the Israeli occupation. She asks herself “Am I a good parent?”
I remember when my son first started to negotiate with me and have a real conversation. I was thrilled to the point that I wanted to give him the impression that I am a democratic mother and wanted him to have a say regarding his choices — so he understands that there are specific circumstances behind every choice we make.
Now, he’s 5 years old and he basically has a say in everything in our life. My goal was to build a relationship with him based on partnership and respect for one another, but it seemed that I have failed to sit the necessary limits, because he became to be a very stubborn kid.
You think that a 5-year-old kid is capable of change, so you do your best to change his irritating behavior — I try to negotiate more, I try enforcing my opinions with more determination, I try logical discussions — I happen to succeed sometimes and fail at other times. When failing my own expectations of him, I stay awake for hours to read research, books, and articles about parenting and motherhood, and I sometimes talk to experienced mothers — i.e. friends, aunties, my own mother, my mother in law — and occasionally I find effective techniques, other times I don’t and get depressed.
I remember when my mother used to yell at me for doing something wrong, I remember my feelings of shame that I disappointed her and my very first reaction was to win her back, but now if I yell at my son, he will yell back at me. I ask myself, what changed? Why did my mother have more power over me, than I have over my son? My mother only finished her high school, whereas I have a degree in Social Sciences. Also my mother had me when she was 20 years old, but when I had my son I was 26, so I’m supposedly more educated and mature…I was under the assumption that things should run smoother and easier for me. I always thought being a mother will come easy to me, but this is not the case, is it?
I always question my ways of raising my kids and question how I was raised myself. The Palestinian society has developed in a way that we cannot and could not control- the unlimited access to the internet, the video games, the socialization among our kids has also differed — When I was a kid, I only socialized with my cousins, who were very similar to me. Now our kids socialize with different kids from different backgrounds. All of this has changed the way we look at and deal with our kids.
So how do we deal with the frustrating behaviors of our kids? How do we deal with each other in conflict situations? These are really big questions to me. In our society, you are not the only person interfering in the process of raising your child. You have the extended family interfering extensively, you have the teachers of your son, and you have your kids’ peers and the society itself. Hence, you are not the only reference. So, if there is an annoying behavior coming out of your kid, you may interpret it differently than your mother in law for instance…hence these inconsistent responses regarding my son’s behavior have come to a bad end.
For example, if my son bothers his little sister, (She’s only 1-years-old) I will get angry and I will scream at him for doing so, in the exact moment, my father in law will interfere and say “He didn’t mean it”. So for my son, the excuse for his bad behavior is in front of him and he’s using it with determination that he “didn’t mean it”. Some parents would suggest to ask my in-law’s for their cooperation,which I have, and most of the time they collaborate but I feel pity for my son when we are all being strict — Also, I’m a full time working mother, who deals with the consistent feeling of guilt for leaving home for long hours a day (8–9 hours per day), so if I’m going to use the 5 hours a day that I spend with my son screaming and taking disciplinary actions against him, what kind of a mother would that make me?
When he was 1-years-old, he was the perfect son a mother could ask for. We would cuddle for long periods of time, laugh, enjoy each other’s company, and both of us were so energetic and would play for hours. So I had the impression that everything in his life is figured out, and I thought I was ready and prepared to raise the perfect son. Except I wasn’t when it came to the unexpected — The irritating behaviors including stubbornness, being in power, being mean to us, and refusing to cooperate. All of these represented a challenge for me as a mother, and I push myself to work around his uncooperative behaviors, knowing that behind every action coming out of my son there is a need that he is trying to express. He misses his mother, so when I’m home at 5:00 PM, he expects that I come home to him, he expects that I should play with him, he expects that I should give him enough attention. I fail his expectations of me as much as he fails mine, so the annoying behavior appears after I fail him.
When Julian started to become more dependent on himself and less on me, my challenges did not finish, now I face new challenges.
My son’s frustrating behavior changes after the minute I think differently about his actions- he’s not here to make me feel angry or to challenge or threaten my power over him, he’s feeling angry, he thinks he does not count or have a say. Hence, he is projecting his feelings on me and that’s the trick. Once I can interpret his feelings correctly, I can know how to deal with him.
In addition to all of this, Julian was confronted with the reality of the Israeli occupation of Palestine when he was just 2 years old, which is a very young age to get to know something like this. So, every time we move out of Bethlehem, he notices the Israeli Soldiers, either at Bethlehem Checkpoint or at Al Container Checkpoint. I wished as a mother to control what my son needed to know about the occupation, yet the TV, social media, family and friends exposed him more to this harsh reality. At the point he started to become expose to the reality that we live in, I was challenged as a mother. As a mother who wishes to pass on “good” values to her kids, to describe the Israeli occupation. Also, as a woman who loves and adores her country, I had the feeling of obligation to tell my son the truth- our truth.
This all made me reflect on my own experience with the occupation, being discriminated against, the loss of our land, the imprisoning of my family members, the control over our natural resources, the loss of our dear friends and family members who left the country looking for security and stability.
All of these encounters that I faced had made me who I am today — A tough woman, a stronger mother, and a well-educated person. I never wish to hide the occupation from the eyes of my son, he’s going to eventually learn about it, so I teach him values such as peace when we have clashes on the ground. I teach him about forgiveness, I teach him about humanity when little kids are being killed, I teach him about sympathy when the land near our house is taken from us and we are no longer allowed to cross.
Finally, you think that 5 years would be enough to nail motherhood and when I assume that I’m on my game and I no longer face challenges as I have faced so many in these past 5 years, all of a sudden the rules change and I yell my way into another challenge. But looking at Julian and his little and sweet accomplishments make me think that I have done few things right and I should be proud. Though he drives me crazy, I’m thankful for he brings sunshine into our life.
