the foofy dog test

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about women. I’m single again after quite some time. So I have to devise a new strategy to decipher who is single and who isn’t. Since I live on South Beach, such a test has to hold true to the women that are in the area. Such a test should be a visual test. Yes, looking at the ring finger works, but someone could be in a committed relationship and not have a ring. I needed a test that was better than the ring-finger test.

Enter the foofy dog test.

First I must define what a foofy dog is. It’s a dog that is less than 18 inches in height and goes “arfff” not “woof”. If a 12 inch dog goes “woof”, it’s not a foofy dog. These dogs tend to be either carried, sometimes in a Louis Vitton or Gucci dog purse, sometimes pushed in a stroller (no joke, I’ve seen this), and sometimes in the basket on the front of the bicycle. Either way, they are not hard to find here. Quite a few women on South Beach seem to have a foofy dog.

Here is my logic. Men don’t tend to like foofy dogs. I don’t. I like dogs, but not of the foofy variety. Men tend to like manly dogs. Or at least, useful dogs (it must be stated that gay men seem to like the foofy variety, but that’s neither here nor there). Since most men don’t like foofy dogs, it’s safe to say that if a woman has a foofy dog, she is either single or not in a committed relationship. Most men will tolerate a foofy dog only long enough to stake his claim on the woman. Once that happens, the woman chooses the man and give the foofy dog to one of her single girl friends.

Furthermore, single women tend to have dogs for two reason: 1) that whole mothering instinct thing and 2) to keep them company. If they had a man around, both those reasons would be satisfied due to the fact that most men need mothering (I know I do at times). So taking that reasoning into account, women who have foofy dogs are more likely to be single because they already have company and as a result, they aren’t aggressively searching for a man.

In the coming weeks I’m going to do an informal survey and post the results of my little foofy dog experiment. I’ll keep you posted.