Gender Fluid, Pansexual, and in Love with a Jerk

What do they do now?

James Finn
Aug 9 · 5 min read

Dear Aunty Jimothy,

I’m a 22-year-old gender fluid pansexual, dating this person none of my friends like. I admit my crush isn’t very good looking and sometimes they aren’t very nice to me, but I wish my friends would just leave us alone. My love life is MY problem. How do I tell my friends to back off?

Annoyed in Anchorage


Child! Have your friends been chilling with my buddy Dame Edna? I swear that woman is so jealous she’d chase off any man old Jimothy got her hooks into. Never trust an Australian in fake fur, dear. Tsk.

Oh, I’m sorry, did somebody think that was REAL chinchilla? As real as the old harridan’s pearls! *cough*

Seriously, dear, you’re lucky to have friends who care, even if they’re being pains. Maybe especially because they’re being pains. I’m not telling you to trust them to be right. Just to listen to them.

Can I tell you a story?

Once upon a time, I fell in love with somebody totally unexpected. My friends gasped in shock. Child! You should have heard the rude remarks about his head and how a paper bag would be an appropriate fashion accessory.

Boy and girls, Aunty Jimothy was aghast.

Infatuation is a remarkable process. Physical appearance is often a driving factor, but sometimes, just sometimes …

Yes, I fell in love with a guy who was (how shall I put this delicately?) so homely his ears looked like mismatched cauliflower heads. His face was lopsided and his body was lumpy and weird, even though he was physically fit and healthy.

Ah, but how I was head over heels! How my heart sped up in his presence. How his lovely eyes mesmerized me. How I sighed with pleasure just to think about him. Don’t ask me why. Love is sometimes not just blind, but stupid.

Yes, stupid. But before anyone jumps all over me for saying it’s stupid to fall in love with an ‘ugly’ guy, hear me out.

As I mooned around, blissed out and in love, going everywhere with ugly and merging myself into his life, all my friends were shooting me looks, holding interventions, and doing whatever they could to break us up.

“You hoary old queens are so shallow!” I blasted at them. “Don’t you understand that true love is much deeper and more important than mere hotness? Don’t you know what it is to merge your soul with the soul of a human who is beauty incarnate on the inside?”

Evil friends, I thought. Stuck up and vain bunch of gym bunnies, anyway. For shame! I went right ahead with my life with my new boyfriend, putting up with whispers behind my back and looks that could kill. What did my friends know, anyway?

Love is love. Physical appearance is so secondary.

If this were a traditionally uplifting morality tale, my story should end here, shouldn’t it? I should write about how our relationship grew in beauty and depth.You’re expecting me to show you how my friends came to accept us as a couple because beauty is only skin deep.

That’s not what actually happened.

I’m going to have to overturn your expectations just as my new lover overturned mine.

Let’s leave out the embarrassing details, shall we, but the truth is that my boyfriend screwed me over. Hard. Left me gasping for breath at what an asshole he was. That’s when I finally woke up to what my friends had been practically screaming at me all along. This guy’s major malfunction was not that he was ugly.

Nope. He was a dick. He made 10-inch Porn Hub erections look like wilting flowers in comparison to his own inner dickishness. My bank account suffered, but my self worth took the bigger hit.

I couldn’t see it because, as I mentioned, love is stupid as well as blind. I ignored my friends because I’d put them in a box. If they didn’t like my new lover, it had to be because his ears didn’t match. They had to be shallow. They had to be obsessed with looks. They had to dislike him because of who they were and not because of who he was.

I completely overlooked the fact that they’d been trying to tell me he wasn’t a nice person. Sometimes, he wasn’t nice to me. Often, he wasn’t nice to them. Never did he seem to truly care about anyone other than himself.

Aunty Jimothy learned three lessons all those years ago

  • First, beauty doesn’t drive character, but neither does lack of beauty. Judge a person for who they are, never for what they look like.
  • Second, pay attention to your friends. If you’ve made good choices about the people you have close to you in your life, then it pays to value their observations. If I had, I’d have been spared a lot of embarrassment, a good deal of emotional turmoil, and a nice chunk of cash.
  • Third, if somebody isn’t nice to you or to your friends, they probably aren’t going to change. If anything, it’s just going to get worse. Kind, considerate people are nice by nature. Think you’re gonna change somebody’s nature? Think again!

Child, I’m not saying your friends are right

I’m not saying they’re wrong. I’m just recommending that you listen to them carefully and think hard about what they tell you. Sometimes friends are the only ones who really have your back. Sometimes they can see things that infatuation has blinded you to.

That’s another Aunty Jimothy column on Medium, guys and girls. Got a question? Post it under this story or email jamesfinnwrites@gmail.com and she’ll do her best to crank out some pearlescent balls of wisdom.

By the way, I’ve got a whole bat cave full of lesbians, trans guys and girls, and kinky polyamorous bisexual chicks. So when you ask Aunty Jimothy, you’re tapping into a lot more than just Dame Edna’s cranky nemesis.

Ask anything! Love, sex, dating, hooking up, Tinder and Grindr culture, and HIV/STD concerns. Life with your straight family. Coming out. Or not.

This Old Aunty has the Answers. Somewhere. If I can just remember where I left my purse.


Want more Aunty Jimothy? Read all her columns!

James Finn - The Blog

Collected Writings. Stories and ramblings from a long-time LGBTQ thinker and activist.

James Finn

Written by

Writer. Runner. Marine. Airman. Former LGBTQ and HIV activist. Former ActUpNY and Queer Nation. Polyglot. Middle-aged, uppity faggot. jamesfinnwrites@gmail.com

James Finn - The Blog

Collected Writings. Stories and ramblings from a long-time LGBTQ thinker and activist.

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